Artist's rendering of the average opinion of a "Two and a Half Men" fan.

We tend to think there are two kinds of TV viewers: those who like “complex” (for lack of a term that isn’t “not-for-idiots”) shows, and those who like everything else. The former are fans of “Justified” and “30 Rock” and “Homeland” and recaps; the latter enjoy “Mike & Molly,” “NCIS,” and “2 Broke Girls” and crude, yet CBS-safe double entendres about facials. And never the twain shall meet.

But that’s not quite true. There’s something both groups love to do: bitch and complain. Read anything on the Internet related to “Community” (former) with a comments section, and you’ll see sentiment after sentiment of “BOO NBC” and “WE WANT BRIE! WE WANT BRIE!” The same grumbling is true with articles about “Two and a Half Men” (latter), except their community is split on something: CHARLIE OR ASHTON, who you got?

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In news that feels like it should be bookended by the word “Bro,” MTV is bringing back the Ashton Kutcher produced celebrity prank show, “Punk’d.” “THIS IS GREAT NEWS!” said the marketing director for Von Dutch and literally no one else I can think of.

After months of rumors, MTV is officially reviving the hidden-camera prank classic, ordering a new version of Punk’d to series. Jason Goldberg and Ashton Kutcher are back on board as executive producers. But the show’s host is…

… a different question. MTV plans to announce the show’s host/hosts during its New Years Eve party live telecast next week. Access Hollywood reported months ago that a new show was in the works, using different celebrity hosts for each episode — and noting in the premiere that Justin Bieber is the man in the van. [EW]

Between this news and NBC bringing back “Fear Factor,” it’s beginning to look like 2012 is going to be the second coming of the douche. Seriously, I thought we killed all this crap years ago. Now it looks like we’re only a month or two from someone greenlighting a show called “Bro, U Got Punched Bro” hosted by Fred Durst that airs four hours a week in primetime. This simply will not do.

As I think more about this, though, I realize this news may not be all bad. Don’t get me wrong, there is still is 0% chance I watch an updated version of “Punk’d.” BUT, if it is going to be hosted by Justin Bieber, even in a one-shot guest role, that means there’s at least a chance he tries to Punk Ron Artest and I log into Tumblr one morning to find a GIF of Artest bopping him so hard on the head that he ends up buried in the ground up to his neck like in a cartoon. That would make all this worth it.

Last night, among growing outrage over the cronyism that allowed longtime assistant coach Jerry Sandusky to (allegedly) rape young boys in Penn State facilities, the Penn State board of trustees fired Joe Paterno, who was at least partly complicit. But apparently Ashton Kutcher, who has 8 million Twitter followers, missed every detail of the story that dominated sports headlines for five days. It seems unlikely, but he deleted the tweet and followed it up with apologetic tweets that are more sincere than the typical celebrity mea culpa.

As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.

As of immediately I will stop tweeting until I find a way to properly manage this feed. I feel awful about this error. Won’t happen again.

So yeah, Kutcher’s probably guilty of being an ignorant doofus, but that’s still a gigantic step up from Charlie Sheen that the “Two and a Half Men” producers probably won’t even blink at this. “What’s that? A Twitter gaffe? Cool, let us know when he punches a hooker.”

Because I couldn’t bring myself to sit through Ashton Kutcher’s debut on last night’s “Two and a Half Men,” I went around the Internet and read a bunch of reviews. And let me tell you, it is a DELIGHT to read TV critics who’ve been forced to sit through an immensely popular show that they have no desire to watch. Newsday’s Verne Gay summed up the collective “meh” with this non-opinion:

So, we’ll see where this goes. Last night was neither terrible, nor good. It just was. Some fans probably hated it; some are probably willing to give it time.

Inspired by the tepid reviews (and FilmDrunk’s fun review game), I went ahead and recreated the plot of last night’s “Men” using only expository quotes (no analysis!). The fun part is the quiet, seething distaste that slips through the cracks.

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Jon Cryer spills Charlie's ashes, a completely unpredictable and original plot point.

Welp,  looks like “Two and a Half Men” is gonna be okay without Charlie Sheen.

The ninth season premiere, starring Ashton Kutcher taking over for Charlie Sheen, delivered 27.7 million viewers Monday night — that’s in the ballpark of an American Idol premiere.

Even more impressive: The sitcom scored a 10.3 rating among adults 18-49. That’s easily an all-time high for the show, and up 110 percent over last fall’s eighth-season debut with Sheen. Everybody expected the sitcom’s first new episode back would perform strong, but not like this. [EW]

I recorded the episode last night, but I just couldn’t force myself to watch the show. I sat through the debut of “2 Broke Girls,” and that was all the multi-camera sitcom/live studio audience of barking seals I could handle. I don’t know how the rest of America does it, man. Their lives must be full of such primitive delights, like funnel cakes and high school marching bands and voting for “American Idol” contestants. I’d be jealous of their uncomplicated lives, except they probably have diabetes.