Last night, among growing outrage over the cronyism that allowed longtime assistant coach Jerry Sandusky to (allegedly) rape young boys in Penn State facilities, the Penn State board of trustees fired Joe Paterno, who was at least partly complicit. But apparently Ashton Kutcher, who has 8 million Twitter followers, missed every detail of the story that dominated sports headlines for five days. It seems unlikely, but he deleted the tweet and followed it up with apologetic tweets that are more sincere than the typical celebrity mea culpa.

As an advocate in the fight against child sexual exploitation, I could not be more remorseful for all involved in the Penn St. case.

As of immediately I will stop tweeting until I find a way to properly manage this feed. I feel awful about this error. Won’t happen again.

So yeah, Kutcher’s probably guilty of being an ignorant doofus, but that’s still a gigantic step up from Charlie Sheen that the “Two and a Half Men” producers probably won’t even blink at this. “What’s that? A Twitter gaffe? Cool, let us know when he punches a hooker.”

Because I couldn’t bring myself to sit through Ashton Kutcher’s debut on last night’s “Two and a Half Men,” I went around the Internet and read a bunch of reviews. And let me tell you, it is a DELIGHT to read TV critics who’ve been forced to sit through an immensely popular show that they have no desire to watch. Newsday’s Verne Gay summed up the collective “meh” with this non-opinion:

So, we’ll see where this goes. Last night was neither terrible, nor good. It just was. Some fans probably hated it; some are probably willing to give it time.

Inspired by the tepid reviews (and FilmDrunk’s fun review game), I went ahead and recreated the plot of last night’s “Men” using only expository quotes (no analysis!). The fun part is the quiet, seething distaste that slips through the cracks.

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Jon Cryer spills Charlie's ashes, a completely unpredictable and original plot point.

Welp,  looks like “Two and a Half Men” is gonna be okay without Charlie Sheen.

The ninth season premiere, starring Ashton Kutcher taking over for Charlie Sheen, delivered 27.7 million viewers Monday night — that’s in the ballpark of an American Idol premiere.

Even more impressive: The sitcom scored a 10.3 rating among adults 18-49. That’s easily an all-time high for the show, and up 110 percent over last fall’s eighth-season debut with Sheen. Everybody expected the sitcom’s first new episode back would perform strong, but not like this. [EW]

I recorded the episode last night, but I just couldn’t force myself to watch the show. I sat through the debut of “2 Broke Girls,” and that was all the multi-camera sitcom/live studio audience of barking seals I could handle. I don’t know how the rest of America does it, man. Their lives must be full of such primitive delights, like funnel cakes and high school marching bands and voting for “American Idol” contestants. I’d be jealous of their uncomplicated lives, except they probably have diabetes.

As we’ve already seen, “Two and a Half Men’s” marketing campaign is built around the new cast being naked. I assume that has something to do with why Kutcher was naked on “Ellen” today. I’ve got video below for the ladies out there, but I’m sorry (or happy) to say that there’s generous pixelation of Demi Moore’s meat thermometer.

I was actually going to give Kutcher props for going in front of a studio audience completely nude, but he chickened out and put clothes on for the actual sit-down interview. What a coward.I bet there’s not even anything to see. If he’s anything like his wife, his genitalia is completely hidden with a beaver pelt.

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Noted street drug and hooker aficionado Charlie Sheen is set to be roasted for Comedy Central on September 19, and believe it or not, he has some opinions on the matter. It’s incredible that anyone could get him to come out of his shell for an interview, but E! News did just that. Take it away, Charlie:

“There’s less [cocaine] left on the planet because of me, so roast away,” Sheen acknowledged, laughing. “If that’s what’s in store for me, then bring it,” he said, agreeing that cocaine and hooker jokes would probably be “vying for first place” in terms of frequency up on the dais.

But coke cracks are “easy grabs, you know,” Charlie said. “I’m challenging these geniuses to go a little bit deeper, be less obvious.”

The real shame of this whole situation is that there’s probably nothing anyone can say that will get to him. His ego may be the most impenetrable forcefield known to man or beast. “What’s that? A joke about me beating my wife and just having a long history of violence towards women in general? You’re just jealous of my lifestyle, bro.” “Huh, jokes about me probably dying broke and alone in five years? Whatever. F-18.” I know at the end of the day these roasts are supposed to be good-natured, but I want people to go after him. Pull no punches. Make him cry if at all possible. If anyone deserves to be brutally made fun of for an hour and have all his dirty laundry aired out on television, it’s this douchecanoe.

Also, in an effort to combine all Charlie Sheen/”Two and a Half Men” news into one post so I can get it all out of the way at once, after the jump I’ve posted pictures of the $2 million, 53-foot trailer the show’s new star Ashton Kutcher is using on the set. Because, hey, eff your house.

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