Things don’t feel quite right in the universe unless “Boardwalk Empire” actress Paz de la Huerta is pissing people off while her breasts desperately try to free themselves from her clothing, and I’m happy to report that everything is totally normal. De la Huerta attended a party at New York’s annoyingly chic Bowery Hotel last Thursday, where she — yep — pissed people off with her tits hanging out. The yoozh.

Showing up in a barely-there black slip dress, the actress kept having to adjust the thin straps or risk having a wardrobe malfunction (or two).

After spending time with some pals at the bar, the actress discovered that a nearby room had been set up with a couch and a huge frame to do photo shoots for guests. De la Huerta cut the long line of guests waiting to have their pictures snapped, grabbed a tiara and scepter from the props and proceeded to spread out on the couch where the pictures were being taken.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” she snapped at the photographer, who offered suggestions to the star.

She quickly overstayed her welcome on the couch, however, grinding and rolling around while making faces and adjusting her hemline as a crowd gathered. The actress then pulled a girlfriend to the couch for a steamy girl-on-girl kiss, refusing to leave when lined-up guests began to get irritated.

Then as suddenly as she had appeared, she’d had enough and two pals helped her off stage with her dress strap hanging down. [E!; image via]

I can’t read about Paz’s unhinged nightlife (hello, assault charges) without seeing her in a Dungeons & Dragons alignment matrix. Paz de la Huerta is Chaotic Evil: wholly self-serving, in constant need of attention, prone to fits of rage, usually braless, and perpetually 30 seconds away from having sex in public. She’s a supervirus, a penicillin-resistant version of every horrible girlfriend you’ve stayed with for the mind-blowing sex. And I love her for it.

Last week Regis Philbin announced his departure from “Live with Regis and Kelly,” a show he’s hosted since his co-host was in middle school. And it turns out that Philbin has fired his agent of 30 years, Jim Griffin, because ABC asked Philbin to take a pay cut.

We’re told the [ABC] honchos made it clear … Regis would be getting a pay cut, partly because the show is not performing as well as in the past … and partly because he takes a lot of time off. Sources say Reeg is currently pulling in between $18 and $20 million a year. Regis, we’re told, was angry at the offer and that was the trigger for his announcement this week that he’s leaving the show. [TMZ]

In an interview, Griffin said he was taken aback by Philbin’s abrupt depature. ”When I first met Regis, he hadn’t worked in a year and a half and here we are,” Griffin said, adding, “we’ve had a great run.” Asked what Philbin might have been unhappy about, Griffin said he did not know. “It’s obviously very sad,” he sighed. [LA Times]

To recap: a 79-year-old man who frequently takes days off on a show with falling numbers was asked to take a pay cut from his EIGHT-FIGURE salary during a recession, and his response was to quit the show and fire his agent of three decades. I hope that son of a bitch breaks his hip falling down his golden staircase.

(Note: Pro athletes try to pull stunts like that and there’s a line of middle-aged white columnists writing lectures a mile long. But do it in Hollywood and no one says a damn thing. F you, entertainment press.)

I don’t watch “Wife Swap” because the title describes something that should be way more sexy than the reality of the show, so I missed the recent episode in which the liberal-elite Stephen Fowler of San Francisco traded his life-coach wife for Gayla Long, a well-meaning Missouri simpleton. Fowler, a British expatriate, brow-beat Long to the point of tears, calling her dumb, fat, uneducated, and so on. He also managed to insult almost every subset of American culture and come off as an ignorant, elitist prick.

The resulting fallout from Fowler being King Dickhead of North America has forced him to apologize, and his wife admitted that he needed “professional help.” Yeah, professional help caving in his skull with a claw hammer.

Wait. Did I just offer to kill him for money? So I did. That was a mistake. I’ll do it for free.

Joaquin Phoenix took his Andy Kaufmanesque “acting and grooming bore me” character to Letterman last night, and poor Dave had to deal with terse, one-word answers and general dickishness throughout the painfully awkward interview. For the sake of clarity, let’s all just go ahead and stop saying that Joaquin is “acting erratically.” He’s acting, yes. Acting like an asshole. For a documentary. A documentary about him being an asshole.