Australian realtors Ian Adams and Adrian Jenkins have some sweet-ass luxury property, and they know how to sell it: with sex. The commercial below features two things that are on my Christmas list every year: a woman in lingerie tied to a chair, and a pair of blondes in their underwear who are always on the verge of making out. And also a helicopter and a SWAT team for some reason? Maybe because the brunette is tied up? I’m not sure, the plot is a little shaky in places.

I hope that Adams and Jenkins sell houses this way 100% of the time. “Now if you’ll just step into the bedroom here, you’ll see that it’s perfect for watching lesbians make out. And any women you tie up will have a beautiful view of the ocean thanks to these beautiful bay windows. Can we show you the sex dungeon?”

(Screencaps below the video.)

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This video of Australian news anchor Belinda Heggen putting down sports reporter Mark Aiston has been everywhere the last two days, and I’ve been reluctant to post it because it feels scripted as hell. Besides, it’s not even that much of a burn: Heggen does, after all, insinuate that Aiston’s penis is impressive.

[via The High Definite]

Oprah Winfrey is of course in Australia with 300 of her audience members, an excitable mash-up of gay men, frumpy women, and a handful of neutered husbands. The shows won’t air until January, but two of them will be taped tomorrow at the Sydney “Oprah” House. Ha ha, good one, Jay.

Russell Crowe, Bindi Irwin, Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban and Olivia Newton-John are all confirmed to appear across the two shows.

Rock legends Bon Jovi will perform some of their greatest hits and hip-hop superstar Jay-Z will also stop by for a special surprise. [Herald Sun]

Et tu, Jigga?

Anyway, I could give a crap about who’s going to be on the show, but it seemed like a good way to introduce the Taiwanese animation video of Oprah going to Australia (see below). Yup, NMA News gives us the straight facts, which feature Oprah roasting a kangaroo on a spit and my Sydney Oprah House joke. Damn, I gotta race the Taiwanese to the easy puns now? My job is a lot harder than it looks.

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Oprah Winfrey is gearing up for her visit to Australia, and Australia is so excited that it’s basically jacking off in public. Example: the stately landmark of the Sydney Harbor Bridge will be adorned with a giant letter “O” to commemorate her visit. Come on, Australia. Have some dignity.

But a Government insider revealed engineers and designers had been hard at work for the past month on Premier Kristina Keneally’s dream of branding the Bridge with Winfrey’s personal logo. [Telegraph]

Her “dream”? See, this is why women can’t be president. What?!? They CAN? Aw crap.

Anyway, have fun with Oprah, Australia. You’re welcome to keep her. I’d suggest feeding her to crocs or ditching her in the outback, just make it look like an accident.

In this clip from the UK’s Australia’s “X Factor,” Guy Sebastian introduces the girl band Mahogany. And he wants you to know that he saw them earlier, and they absolutely blew him. Away. Blew him away. They’re a tough act to swallow — er, follow! What he’s trying to say is, they’re really “talented.”  *mimes fellatio*

[via BuzzFeed]