The Emmys were last night, and I’m going to have several posts talking about various aspects of the show and which actresses had the best cleavage and whatnot. But first, let’s talk about who won (and didn’t win) the little wingèd statues.

I’ve got a full list of winners below (with my sparkling commentary, of course), but here’s the short version: “Modern Family” is the only sitcom Emmy voters watch; Margo Martindale and Peter Dinklage got awesome wins for “Justified” and “Game of Thrones”; “Mad Men’s” sole Emmy was its fourth straight win for Best Drama; and “Friday Night Lights” finally got some recognition with wins for writing and lead actor (Kyle Chandler).

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Eddie Murphy has been confirmed as the host of next year’s Brett Ratner-produced telecast of the Academy Awards, thereby guaranteeing that the 2012 Oscars will either be the best or the worst Oscars ever. Perhaps both. Here are some canned “quotes” invented by someone who works in PR:

“Eddie is a comedic genius, one of the greatest and most influential live performers ever,” said Ratner. “With his love of movies, history of crafting unforgettable characters and his iconic performances – especially on stage – I know he will bring excitement, spontaneity and tremendous heart to the show Don [Mischer] and I want to produce in February.”

“I am enormously honored to join the great list of past Academy Award hosts from Hope and Carson to Crystal, Martin and Goldberg, among others,” said Murphy. “I’m looking forward to working with Brett and Don on creating a show that is enjoyable for both the fans at home and for the audience at the Kodak Theatre as we all come together to celebrate and recognize the great film contributions and collaborations from the past year.” [press release via Deadline]

Hey, I love Beverly Hills Cop and Raw and Delirious and James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub just as much as you. But that Eddie Murphy is dead, okay? There could be an Oscars montage of all the movies Murphy never should have made. Let’s keep expectations low, people.

I’m much too old and cynical to be watching MTV’s Video Music Awards, but as a blogger I’m required to acknowledge that they happened. So here’s everything you need to know: Beyoncé announced on the red carpet that she’s pregnant, Lady Gaga dressed in drag, Justin Bieber looks more like a lesbian than ever before, and people remembered that Amy Winehouse died. There you go. I just saved you four hours with that one sentence.

You know what I watched last night? A little bit of the Saints-Raiders preseason game and seven episodes of “Friday Night Lights.” I’m watching from the very beginning, and even though I’ve seen most of Season 1, I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed it. I come to tears almost every episode. That’s how awesome Minka Kelly looks in a cheerleading uniform.

Video Music Awards (MTV/VH1, Sunday) — Of course, MTV hasn’t played music videos in years, but it’s an annual rite of summer: MTV spends a week praising itself for creating this awards show and remembering all the CRAZY and UNPREDICTABLE moments before airing something that’s less an awards show than it is repeated attempts to create the next CRAZY and UNPREDICTABLE moment for next year’s montage. I’m sure I’ll end up writing about it Monday, unless Hurricane Irene can save me by knocking out New York City’s power grid. Fingers crossed, people. (Video below: cat in a wedding dress doing Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” performance.)

Doctor Who (BBC America, Saturday) — Summer premiere. The more love I see for this show, the harder I dismissively wank in my little corner of the internet. But hey, at least Hitler gets punched.

Man Vs. Wild (Discovery, Friday) — Season finale. Since when is this on Fridays? The season concludes by looking at the average humans behind the camera.

Jersey Shore (MTV, Sunday) — MTV’s airing a new episode to lead into the VMAs. I no longer make the effort to watch “Jersey Shore,” but I’m addicted to MTV’s official Tumblr for the show, which is nothing but endless, sweaty, mattress-throwing GIFs. A+.

George W. Bush: The 9/11 Interview (NatGeo, Sunday) — The former president opens up about his decisions following the terrorist attack. It will be almost as intellectual as the VMAs.

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The Television Critics Association (TCA) presented its annual awards on Saturday night, and while I don’t find the winners to be as refreshing as the TCA’s list of nominees, TV critics are still 800 times better than the collection of mongoloids and zoo animals who vote for the Emmys.

“Mad Men” and “Modern Family” were recognized as the best drama and comedy, respectively, while “Friday Night Lights” got a victory lap as Program of the Year. Also, since the TCAs don’t have separate awards for actors and actresses, Jon Hamm’s win for Individual Achievment in Drama came at the hands of Julianna Margulies (“The Good Wife”) and Margo Martindale (“Justified”) — as well as Steve Buscemi (“Boardwalk Empire”), Peter Dinklage (“Game of Thrones”), and Timothy Olyphant (“Justified”). Ty Burrell and TCA host Nick Offerman shared the award for Individual Achievement in Comedy, proof that ”Modern Family,” despite its excellence, is officially overrated. Sorry, but Ron Swanson shouldn’t have to share awards any sooner than he’d share his personal time with co-workers or his paycheck with the government.

Full list of awards below.

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