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President Obama originally intended to address a joint session of Congress about jobs or the economy or something tonight, but John Boehner was all, “Wednesday’s no good, I’m in the tanning booth from 6 to 11.” So Obama bumped it back a day — the same night as the NFL opener between the Saints and Packers.

But don’t worry, it’s all good. Obama’s speech will be over before kickoff, and his address bumps the atrocious pregame program off of NBC.

NFL Kickoff 2011 was originally scheduled to air on NBC but is now being preempted due to President Obama’s speech, scheduled to begin at 7 p.m. ET. NBC will join NFL Kickoff 2011 in progress once its coverage of the speech has concluded and VERSUS, USA, Syfy and G4 will resume their regularly-scheduled programming shortly thereafter. NFL Network will carry NFL Kickoff 2011 in its entirety.

NFL Kickoff 2011 will feature musical performances by award-winning artists Kid Rock, Lady Antebellum and Maroon 5 from a stage adjacent to Lambeau Field… The 90-minute pregame celebration will also feature Football Night in America and Sunday Night Football commentators Bob Costas, Al Michaels, Cris Collinsworth, Dan Patrick, Tony Dungy, Rodney Harrison, Peter King and Mike Florio live from Green Bay as they examine the impending 2011 NFL season. [press release via TV by the numbers]

Oh boy, Kid Rock AND Maroon 5? I just strained my wrist dismissively wanking. There aren’t too many things I dislike more than hearing a politician talk about the depressing state of our nation, but Tony Dungy’s assh*le face is one of them.

Hey y’all, there’s been some long reads and good TV news that I haven’t been able to get to over the last couple days, so give these links your time and attention. Above, the president meets Cool Dog and Picnic Bear, via Tumblr king the frogman, who also did this great GIF wall of the Brady Bunch to honor Sherwood Schwartz.

Amy Poehler on Nick Offerman’s Emmy snub: “It’s a hot load of bullsh*t that he didn’t get a nomination, and you can quote me on that.” [HitFix]

“I don’t like comedy. I like funny things. I don’t like comedy.” Great interview with Louis C.K. [A.V. Club]

The Character Actor Arms Race: Five Reasons Cable TV Won. The always-great Bethlehem Shoals makes me want to watch “Damages.” [GQ]

Ricky Gervais on the ten-year anniversary of “The Office” and turning 50. Way too much of this hits home with me, which probably means I’m old. Bummer. [HuffPo]

Oral history of “Friday Night Lights.” I still haven’t made it all the way through this yet, but it’s a long read that’s been great so far. [Grantland]

Corgi hops up stairs like a bunny. Something to tide you over until Corgi Friday arrives. [ohhaveyouseenthis]

Twitter reacts to the Alison Brie/Gillian Jacobs GQ shoot. It includes yesterday’s awesome comment from Tacos Gigante: “I would like to go back in time, join the U.S. Army Air Corps, and paint Alison Brie on the side of my B-17.” [Uproxx, GIF via echofades]

Two new clips from Captain America. Is anyone else bothered by the fact that Captain America got his muscles from a lab experiment? As a former runt who goes to the gym in order to look average, that really pisses me off. [Gamma Squad]

Cannot be unseen: Blame the flying scotsman for ruining Christina Hendricks.

I like the part where Gwyneth Paltrow dies. Steven Soderbergh remade Outbreak, or something. [FilmDrunk]

Roger Clemens is a free man. The judge ruled his case a mistrial, which means we need The Dugout more than ever. [With Leather]

The most unfair video game characters in history. You’re goddamn right Tecmo Bo Jackson is on this list. [Smoking Section]

“Jesus was a f**got bitch and I’d say that to his face.” No lie: this is my favorite KSK post of the last several months. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

GRRR DIRTY MUSCLES! There’s a new muscular hunk on “Spartacus.” [EW]

Even though President Obama’s speech announcing the death of Osama Bin Laden was hastily scheduled at a late hour on Sunday night, it nevertheless drew 56.5 million viewers — not as much as a Super Bowl, but considerably more than an “American Idol” finale.

That’s more than Obama’s recent scheduled and promoted primetime addresses, such as March 28′s speech on Libya (25.6 million) and his August speech on Iraq (29.2 million), as well as more than doubling the audience of the supremely hyped, though early a.m., Royal Wedding (22.8 million). [EW]

YEAH! Suck it, William and Kate! Maybe the royal wedding would have gotten some more viewers if they’d taken a black ops detour to kill the most wanted criminal in the world. Ah, crap. I just pictured Kate Middleton in her wedding gown holding an MP-5. That’s good for an all-day boner right there.

Anyway, if you missed the speech, I’ve got it embedded below. And I’m happy to report that Bin Laden is still dead. Yay!

Conan (TBS) — Will Ferrell is scheduled to shave Conan’s beard. Bummer, I’m gonna miss the young Kris Kringle look.

Osama Bin Laden: The E! True Hollywood Story (E!) — No, not really. But I’m sure a lot of people will only turn on the TV tonight to learn more about the top-secret SEAL attack that led to Bin Laden’s death in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Myself, I’ll probably tune in to “The Daily Show” and Colbert tonight. (GIF via)

Kate Plus 8 (TLC) — Kate takes the kids to Philly, where I sincerely hope Eagles fans pelt her with batteries.

Bethenny Ever After (Bravo) — Tonight’s episode focuses on the filming of the final episode of “Skating with the Stars.” “Yo dawg, I heard you liked reality shows, so I made this reality show about a reality show so you can watch the reality about reality.”

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Paul Walker on Leno; Rene Russo on Kimmel; Mindy Kaling on Ferguson; LL Cool J and Judd Apatow on Fallon; and Tracy Morgan and World’s Greatest Coach Rex Ryan on Letterman: HOW YOU BOYS DOIN’? Full listings at TV Squad.

Before we went and killed Osama bin Laden, I was all prepped to write up remarks about the speeches made by Barack Obama and Seth Meyers at the White Correspondents’ Dinner — AKA The Oscars for C-SPAN — this weekend (video of Obama above, Meyers below). Obama came out to a video of “I Am a Real American” and took about twice as much time as Meyers did, marking the first time in the history of everything that something felt longer than a Seth Meyers monologue. (Edit/Correction: Updated with the full video of Meyers. Meyers, like Obama, spoke for 20 minutes, which is too bad because I really liked that joke.)

P.S. I’m not sure I’m supposed to say this, but Michelle Obama is a total FLILF.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.” – Mark Twain (or not)

This barely got covered by any news sources yesterday, so you may not have heard that President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. He and the First Lady also taped a segment with Oprah Winfrey that will air next week, and you can watch a preview clip here. In it, Obama does his best to maintain his sense of humor about the most moronic controversy in American history, when what he probably wants to do is ram his fist up Donald Trump’s ass and work his mouth like a hand puppet. “Durrr, look at me, I’ve got stupid hair.”

Listen, it’s totally cool with me if you don’t like Obama’s policies. Go ahead and hate whatever health care plan or tax hike suits your vitriol. I don’t even care if you’re put off by his manner of speaking. But let’s all be grown-ups and drop this birth certificate thing. I don’t have the time or patience for stupid, pointless political arguments that AREN’T EVEN ABOUT POLITICS. I have way better things to do with my life, like look for pictures of dogs with fluffy tails.

In December of 2007, Oprah Winfrey hit the campaign trail in support of Barack Obama’s bid for the presidency — the first time she’d ever publicly backed a candidate. Now, as Oprah’s daytime talk show comes to a close, the president and first lady will pay a visit to Oprah — during sweeps, no less.

President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama will tape a show with Oprah Winfrey on April 27 in Chicago, a White House official said today.

The Obamas’ appearance on Oprah airs May 2, said Don Halcombe, a publicist for the show. That puts it within the May sweeps rating period, which runs April 28-May 25. [Trib]

I’m not sure I really have anything to add about this. I don’t pay much attention to Oprah unless she’s killing puppies or her audience is going batsh*t, and I tend to stay away from politics because people who like to argue about politics on the Internet should be pushed off a bridge. So that doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for me to care about this. I dunno, maybe Oprah can have Obama pet some corgis?

Lobster Dog as Speaker: more likable than Pelosi, more stoic than Boehner

State of the Union Address (everywhere) — In the wake of the Arizona shootings, Congress will abandon its traditionally segregated Repbublican-Democrat seating and will instead intermingle. Also, following last year’s “not true” grumpiness from Samuel Alito, six of the nine Supreme Court justices will be on hand. (See also: the State of the Union drinking game, clearly made by some idiot who can’t tell the difference between the effects of “take a drink” and “do a shot.”)

The Fashion Show (Bravo) — Season finale. I think Bravo is the only channel NOT showing the State of the Union.

Hellcats (CW) — It’s a new night for the college cheerleading show. I didn’t realize until a few weeks ago that series star Aly Michalka had a prominent supporting role in Easy A. She and her boobs did a great job. And that’s not me being a pervert: her character was really proud of her big boobs.

The Game (BET) — The Warming Glow H.R. department has gotten a couple complaints that “The Game” — which has gotten huge ratings since moving from the CW to BET — hasn’t gotten enough attention here. So here’s what I’ll do: I’ll record it tonight and watch it some time this week. If it’s better than anything from Tyler Perry, I’ll say so. If it’s terrible, then I’ll hate all black people forever. Kidding, just kidding. I wouldn’t want to be held responsible for “Two and a Half Men” just because I’m white.

Tosh.0 (Comedy Central) — Tosh gives a Web Redemption to Ken Green, the guy who danced into the street and got hit by an ice cream truck (video below). Looks like it’s gonna be a good one.

The reason I avoid talking about politics here isn’t because I’m not interested in how our country’s run; it’s because I can’t stand the fervent idiocy that has taken over political discussion. We can have perfectly reasonable debates about the merits of anything from “Jersey Shore” to “Mad Men,” but mention health care and suddenly people are being called fascists and communists. It’s goddamn lunacy.

When the Arizona shootings happened on Saturday, it was a momentary blip that distracted me from my focus on the Seahawks game. Since then, I’ve been in my usual habit of ignoring the news cycle, catching only bits of information like Gabrielle Giffords’s unlikely survival and the typical hubbub from Sarah Palin’s camp. So President Obama’s speech last night was my first in-depth exposure to the tragedy, and I found it profoundly moving.

I’ve embedded the speech above for anyone who missed it. The first 15 minutes are dedicated to the victims and survivors, and after that comes Obama’s wish that we can stop being such f*cksticks in our political discussions (I’m paraphrasing). You don’t have to watch it all, and you certainly don’t have to agree with me, but I wanted to share it with anyone who missed it. Your regular juvenile programming will return after this.