“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.” – Mark Twain (or not)

This barely got covered by any news sources yesterday, so you may not have heard that President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. He and the First Lady also taped a segment with Oprah Winfrey that will air next week, and you can watch a preview clip here. In it, Obama does his best to maintain his sense of humor about the most moronic controversy in American history, when what he probably wants to do is ram his fist up Donald Trump’s ass and work his mouth like a hand puppet. “Durrr, look at me, I’ve got stupid hair.”

Listen, it’s totally cool with me if you don’t like Obama’s policies. Go ahead and hate whatever health care plan or tax hike suits your vitriol. I don’t even care if you’re put off by his manner of speaking. But let’s all be grown-ups and drop this birth certificate thing. I don’t have the time or patience for stupid, pointless political arguments that AREN’T EVEN ABOUT POLITICS. I have way better things to do with my life, like look for pictures of dogs with fluffy tails.

In December of 2007, Oprah Winfrey hit the campaign trail in support of Barack Obama’s bid for the presidency — the first time she’d ever publicly backed a candidate. Now, as Oprah’s daytime talk show comes to a close, the president and first lady will pay a visit to Oprah — during sweeps, no less.

President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama will tape a show with Oprah Winfrey on April 27 in Chicago, a White House official said today.

The Obamas’ appearance on Oprah airs May 2, said Don Halcombe, a publicist for the show. That puts it within the May sweeps rating period, which runs April 28-May 25. [Trib]

I’m not sure I really have anything to add about this. I don’t pay much attention to Oprah unless she’s killing puppies or her audience is going batsh*t, and I tend to stay away from politics because people who like to argue about politics on the Internet should be pushed off a bridge. So that doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for me to care about this. I dunno, maybe Oprah can have Obama pet some corgis?

Lobster Dog as Speaker: more likable than Pelosi, more stoic than Boehner

State of the Union Address (everywhere) — In the wake of the Arizona shootings, Congress will abandon its traditionally segregated Repbublican-Democrat seating and will instead intermingle. Also, following last year’s “not true” grumpiness from Samuel Alito, six of the nine Supreme Court justices will be on hand. (See also: the State of the Union drinking game, clearly made by some idiot who can’t tell the difference between the effects of “take a drink” and “do a shot.”)

The Fashion Show (Bravo) — Season finale. I think Bravo is the only channel NOT showing the State of the Union.

Hellcats (CW) — It’s a new night for the college cheerleading show. I didn’t realize until a few weeks ago that series star Aly Michalka had a prominent supporting role in Easy A. She and her boobs did a great job. And that’s not me being a pervert: her character was really proud of her big boobs.

The Game (BET) — The Warming Glow H.R. department has gotten a couple complaints that “The Game” — which has gotten huge ratings since moving from the CW to BET — hasn’t gotten enough attention here. So here’s what I’ll do: I’ll record it tonight and watch it some time this week. If it’s better than anything from Tyler Perry, I’ll say so. If it’s terrible, then I’ll hate all black people forever. Kidding, just kidding. I wouldn’t want to be held responsible for “Two and a Half Men” just because I’m white.

Tosh.0 (Comedy Central) — Tosh gives a Web Redemption to Ken Green, the guy who danced into the street and got hit by an ice cream truck (video below). Looks like it’s gonna be a good one.

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The reason I avoid talking about politics here isn’t because I’m not interested in how our country’s run; it’s because I can’t stand the fervent idiocy that has taken over political discussion. We can have perfectly reasonable debates about the merits of anything from “Jersey Shore” to “Mad Men,” but mention health care and suddenly people are being called fascists and communists. It’s goddamn lunacy.

When the Arizona shootings happened on Saturday, it was a momentary blip that distracted me from my focus on the Seahawks game. Since then, I’ve been in my usual habit of ignoring the news cycle, catching only bits of information like Gabrielle Giffords’s unlikely survival and the typical hubbub from Sarah Palin’s camp. So President Obama’s speech last night was my first in-depth exposure to the tragedy, and I found it profoundly moving.

I’ve embedded the speech above for anyone who missed it. The first 15 minutes are dedicated to the victims and survivors, and after that comes Obama’s wish that we can stop being such f*cksticks in our political discussions (I’m paraphrasing). You don’t have to watch it all, and you certainly don’t have to agree with me, but I wanted to share it with anyone who missed it. Your regular juvenile programming will return after this.