American Idol (Fox) — It’s the results show, and viewers will get the added treat of watching Demi Lovato and boyfriend Joe Jonas perform. I caught part of Lovato’s interview on Kimmel the other night; I have no idea how Kimmel survived that moronic hell.

Cougar Town (ABC) — Sheryl Crow begins a three episode arc as a wine rep; producers called the casting their “favorite mistake.” In more interesting news, “Modern Family” is also new this week.

Fly Girls (CW) — Season premiere. Virgin Airlines flight attendants jet around the country and party. Yeah, that’s great. Call me when they’re called stewardesses and they hand out free drinks as easily as their numbers.

Mythbusters (Discovery) — Season premiere. Seems like a good time to remind you that the mustachioed guy is a total douchebag.

The Unit (MyNetworks) — Obviously, these are repeats, since the CBS show got canceled. But I’m including here because I didn’t get a chance to write about David Mamet’s memo outlining how the show’s writers could suck less. Choice quote: “ANY TIME TWO CHARACTERS ARE TALKING ABOUT A THIRD, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SH*T.”

The Real World (MTV) — Is it just me, or is this season getting less press than any season in recent history? Please don’t interpret that as me complaining.

Dinner: Impossible (Food) — That series title doesn’t work for me. They should’ve called it “Dishin’: Impossible.”

In what is widely being denounced as the “least sexy day in Warming Glow history,” reality TV harpy Kate Gosselin has reportedly been offered $400,000 to pose nude in Playboy. In a related story, my gag reflex can be triggered by my imagination.

The octomom is said to have received a $400,000 offer from Hef to take it all off for Playboy, but she doesn’t plan to reveal her lady bits in the nudie mag. [Ed. note: PHEW!]

“Hugh sent her a letter, but Kate was totally mortified and threw it away!” a source told Star Magazine. “She didn’t think it was appropriate because of the children.”

I’d like to think that this is the sort thing that’s patently false and just generated by Kate’s PR team to get her in the news cycle and bump Jon out of it, but who knows with Playboy any more.  If some dumb broad from a reality show moves copies of Us Magazine, Playboy will be there with six figures. Case in point. Playboy’s lost touch with everything that made it great so many years ago. That’s why I stick to snuff films now. It’s about the art.

(If you’re really upset about the photo cropping, get more Kate in a bikini here. Don’t worry, it comes with a side of Denise Milani.)