Now that “Rescue Me” creator Peter Tolan is done honoring New York City firefighters, he’s taken on a project that REALLY matters: writing a script for a “Baywatch” movie.

The Emmy-winning scribe revealed… that he’s just finished penning a movie for Paramount loosely based on the long-running lifeguard drama. Tolan joked that some of his friends had tried to stage an intervention to convince him not to take on the film, which he described as a non-campy comedy in the spirit of Stripes about two young guys who take life-changing jobs on the beach.

Tolan, who said he’s never watched the original series, divulged that new roles had been written for series stars David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, but it’s unclear whether they’ll participate if the movie gets a greenlight. [TV Guide]

Strangely, Pam Anderson has said that she wouldn’t do a “Baywatch” movie, adding “I love it when they keep programmes as just bad TV instead of trying to legitimise stuff and make it current and good.” Hasselhoff, meanwhile, would take the job but would probably just get fired.

DG here with BONUS TV-RELATED Corgi Friday.

EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND WATCH THIS VIDEO. It is my masterpiece. I know I know, I say that every time I make a video, but trust me on this one. I’ve taken clips from the myriad of water-related corgi videos featured on Corgi Friday, and cut them into the theme from “Baywatch.”   We’ve got Corgi Flop, Corgi Flop 2, and my own Epic Corgi video from a few weeks back, all mixed in with the 90s greatest collection of flotation devices and man meat. I couldn’t be more proud of myself. Seriously, someone give me a sticker.

In closing, three things:

1) The scientists who invented the Internet as a tool to connect the masses — while vastly improving global communication and efficiency — must be so disappointed with what it’s become: a conduit for porn and dog videos. (Note: Not always mutually exclusive.)  Whatever.  SUCK IT, NERDS. (*finds nearest person wearing glasses, stuffs them in locker*)

2) If I spent anywhere near the amount of time I spend making these videos on, like, studying and stuff, I might actually get a job as a lawyer and not end up paying off my loans by giving handjobs next to the freeway.  (Which is presently how I pay for cable.  You can see my dilemma).

3) These dog videos better start getting me laid soon.

I am a raging insomniac.  I don’t have a ton of trouble falling asleep, but without fail I’ll wake up an hour or two later and toss and turn for the remainder of the night.  If I end up getting more than five hours of sleep any given night, I consider it a victory.  Which brings me to two points: 1) I’m kinda sleepy right now, and 2) I watch A LOT of late night TV.  Usually, this means infomercials, crappy movies, or whatever I’ve been smart enough to load up on the DVR (read: nothing).

However, last night while I was buzzing through the channels I noticed Comedy Central was playing old episodes of “Baywatch,” which I put on because whatever don’t judge me.  I’m sure this programming decision is directly related to the upcoming roast of David Hasselhoff, but it’s also sensible – watching Nicole Eggert and Pamela Anderson try to act out a dramatic scene about the dangers of bulimia is 2-3 times funnier than anything Jeff Dunham has ever said.

I apologize, I appear to have severely buried the lede here.  Meet me after the jump for the real story: new Alison Brie GIFs.

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Former ‘Baywatch” stars Nicole Eggert, Gena Lee Nolin, Traci Bingham, and Donna D’Errico are reportedly shopping a reality show in which they do whatever it is they do these days. Reminisce about being younger with firmer bodies, I imagine. TMZ says:

It’s no coincidence Nicole Eggert, Traci Bingham and Donna D’Errico were all photographed together this week — TMZ has learned they’re all hooking up for a post-”Baywatch”-themed reality show.

Sources connected to the project tell us the show will be based on how the former beach patrollers — including Gena Lee Nolin — are dealing with life post-Hasselhoff.

Yes, it must be hard to go on with life after David Hasselhoff leaves your universe. “I miss his chest hair, and the way he sang in German, and his unique scent of vomit and Mike’s Hard Lemonade.”

Of course, for the men out there who masturbated their way through the 1990s (guilty), you know that Nicole Eggert was the only one of the four selfish enough to NOT pose for Playboy (NSFW evidence: Gene Lee Nolin, Donna D’Errico, Traci Bingham). Fortunately, Eggert loosened up for a sex scene with Corey Haim in 1992′s Blown Away. So don’t feel too bad about Corey Haim dying; he got to live an extra 18 years after fondling a naked Nicole Eggert.

“Lost” has no opening credits, just discordant horns as the word “LOST” appears on a black screen. It’s a total creepy downer.

Enter this badass sexy video of awesome “Lost” clips set to the theme to “Baywatch.” I’d never realized how much of “Lost” involved running on the beach and swimming. I can’t possibly approve of this enough — it really sexes up the show. There’s plenty of scantily clad eye candy for men and women alike, plus we get to see Desmond perform a little CPR on Claire. You’ll notice that Charlie doesn’t get any screen time, however. That wasn’t exactly a banner day for water safety on the Island.

(thanks to Jacob for the tip!)