“Lost” has no opening credits, just discordant horns as the word “LOST” appears on a black screen. It’s a total creepy downer.

Enter this badass sexy video of awesome “Lost” clips set to the theme to “Baywatch.” I’d never realized how much of “Lost” involved running on the beach and swimming. I can’t possibly approve of this enough — it really sexes up the show. There’s plenty of scantily clad eye candy for men and women alike, plus we get to see Desmond perform a little CPR on Claire. You’ll notice that Charlie doesn’t get any screen time, however. That wasn’t exactly a banner day for water safety on the Island.

(thanks to Jacob for the tip!)

David Hasselhoff has once again gotten so drunk that he needed hospitalization, and the details of his London bender are too spectacular and numerous for me to succinctly recount, so please do yourself the favor of reading The Sun’s account (emphasis added):

A source close to the star said: “David is very hard to handle when he drinks, often very emotional and aggressive. On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed – ruining two mattresses – and was becoming a real pain for staff.

“His assistant Joe Townley was so concerned he called out a doctor. David was furious and lashed out at him – but mistakenly hit the doctor. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”

Hotel guest Maria Weston, 44, told how she saw Hasselhoff swearing in the bar. She said: “He was abusing all the staff, shouting at everyone. We were shocked – you’d think he was just some drunk, not a big star.”

Hasselhoff has been admitted to hospital at least FIVE times for alcohol poisoning.

Dude, five times. Freshmen girls who never drank in high school don’t go to the ER for alcohol poisoning five times. Although it’s nice to see I’m not the only one locking people in the basement when they drink too much. I’m telling you, those freshmen girls were a menace! Someone had to stop them, and I’ll let them out as soon as they sober up. Say, in a month or two.

Sorry, but we had to burn the puppies.

Yesterday in rumor-mongering, Radar Online reported that David Hasselhoff — Germany’s sweetheart, America’s benign tumor — was hospitalized over the weekend for alcohol poisoning when his daughter and ex-wife Pamela Bach checked him in with a .39 blood-alcohol level.  Which, if true, exceeds “German drunk” and blazes straight into Irish territory.  Slainte!

But not so fast.  According to TMZ, this is all an evil plot by Bach to make the Hoff look bad in court.  Although how it could make him look worse than his version of Hooked on a Feeling, I have no idea.

[Hasselhoff] was admitted to the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles on Saturday night – with reports claiming he was in a serious condition. [...]

But Hasselhoff’s representatives insist the incident was not serious, revealing the star was quickly discharged and spent Sunday night celebrating his father’s birthday. [source]

What’s real?  What’s fake?  Truth?  Fiction?  I don’t know, gentle readers.  In these uncertain times, the only solace we can find is in LIFE Magazine photos from decades past.  Just look at the Hoff in the ’80s!  Hollywood’s Golden Age, that was.  Assuming “Golden” means “bad.”