It’s a pretty slow day in TV news, so I’d like to turn your attention to the story that’s all over the Internet today: the Zanesville, Ohio residence of Terry Thompson, who last night released dozens of exotic wild animals from the cages on his property and then shot himself. Because the animals included dangerous animals like grizzly and black bears, lions, tigers, and leopards, schools canceled classes and the postal service limited its delivery today.

The most recent update says that only two of the estimated 51 animals (a monkey and a wolf) are unaccounted for; most were shot and killed by sheriff’s deputies, although a spokesman claimed that tranquilizers were used when possible. Oh, and then there’s this, proof that Ohio is the Ohio-est state in the nation:

Ohio has some of the nation’s weakest restrictions on exotic pets and among the highest number of injuries and deaths caused by them.

By the way, I’ve been to this real-life Cougar Town. A girl I dated about ten years ago was from southeastern Ohio, and her mother and brother lived in Zanesville. She went to college in Minnesota, then she moved to Europe and has lived there ever since. I like to think that Ohio was a bigger impetus for that than I was.

More importantly, in a Warming Glow exclusive, I’ve obtained the first photo of the grizzly that was shot:

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If memory serves, I haven’t missed a day of work due to sickness in almost three years, when I got the flu back when I was writing With Leather. But man, this head cold I’ve got right now is a real bitch. My mucus production is off the charts. I blame my nieces. Those adorable little Cindy Lou Who appearances are just a cover for their true mission as carrier monkeys. May as well just put a blonde wig on a petri dish.

You can gauge someone’s intellect by telling them you have a cold. “Drink lots of fluids and get some rest.” Oh, is that how it’s done? THANK YOU, JONAS SALK. I have spent the last several decades completely unaware of this exotic “cold” malady. Your medical expertise is a shining beacon in my long dark night of sniffling. Truly, you deserve the Nobel Prize for SHUT YOUR FACE AND GO AWAY.

Anyway, with the holiday and my sickness, it’ll be kind of a short day today. But enjoy this video from the BBC about polar bears jacking up hidden cameras.

[The Daily What]

Conan O’Brien will be on the cover of the November 11th issue of Rolling Stone (on newsstands Friday), and the former “Tonight Show” host promised that NBC’s claim of intellectual property rights won’t keep him from using established gags like the Masturbating Bear.

“If there’s something we did for a long time that we’ve established as ours, we’ll figure out a way to do it,” O’Brien [said]. “I won’t be denied my Masturbating Bear!”

“What I really wanna do,” O’Brien confided, “is be sued over the bear and then appear in court with the Masturbating Bear. ‘Your Honor, this bear can’t help himself!’ ” [Rolling Stone via NY Post]

I don’t really have anything to add here; I’m just contractually bound to share all Masturbating Bear news. Also, I like the picture of him frozen in carbonite. It makes me imagine Jay Leno as Jabba the Hutt.

Conan O’Brien is ramping up the Team Coco activities in advance of the debut of his new TBS show. Yesterday there was some kind of 24-hour live feed into the writing staff’s office, a highlight of which was these bears doing aerobics (BEAROBICS!). As it turns out, people in bear suits can be funny even when they’re not masturbating or punching a woman.

In related Conan news, he’s released the guest list for his first week of shows:

• Monday, Nov. 8 – First Guest Poll winner, Seth Rogen and musical guest Jack White
• Tuesday, Nov. 9 – Tom Hanks, Jack McBrayer and musical guest Soundgarden
• Wednesday, Nov. 10 – Jon Hamm, Charlyne Yi and musical guest Fistful of Mercy
• Thursday, Nov. 11 – Michael Cera, Julie Bowen and comedian Jon Dore [via THR]

The First Guest Poll is obviously a joke, but still funny: alongside stars like Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, and Jack Nicholson are choices like REO Speedwagon, the sultan of Brunei, Thomas Pynchon, and “The full cast of the 2004 live-action Fat Albert movie (not including Kenan Thompson).” Oh man, that last one gets my vote. Anything that doesn’t include Kenan Thompson always wins.

Here’s the trailer for “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” which will air — where else? — on TLC. By now you either like Sarah Palin or you don’t, so it’s pretty pointless for me to give my opinion on this trailer. I’m sure that if you like Palin, this looks like a beautiful, family-friendly nature documentary. And if, say, the mere sound of her voice makes you want to cave her skull in with a claw hammer, well, this probably isn’t the show for you.

Regardless of your opinion, however, there is one unalienable awesome truth in this video:

GRIZZLY FIGHT!

Oh man, I would empty my bank account to see Sarah Palin eaten by bears. Is there a PAC for that?