Here’s the trailer for “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” which will air — where else? — on TLC. By now you either like Sarah Palin or you don’t, so it’s pretty pointless for me to give my opinion on this trailer. I’m sure that if you like Palin, this looks like a beautiful, family-friendly nature documentary. And if, say, the mere sound of her voice makes you want to cave her skull in with a claw hammer, well, this probably isn’t the show for you.

Regardless of your opinion, however, there is one unalienable awesome truth in this video:

GRIZZLY FIGHT!

Oh man, I would empty my bank account to see Sarah Palin eaten by bears. Is there a PAC for that?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the instant-classic viral video that will end all the annoying talk about “Lost”: Kung Fu Bear. This is supposedly unaltered footage from a Japanese zoo where a bear wields a large stick like a bo. As much as I want to call “fake” on it, I can’t for the life of me spot any digital manipulation. I think that this video is the real deal: bears really ARE learning kung fu. My God, can you imagine if they had opposable thumbs? We’d become enslaved and harvested for food before morning.

In an attempt to make this TV-related, I predict that we see this bear on a “Threat Down” segment on “The Colbert Report” by the end of the week as soon as new episodes air. We’re gonna see a lot of this bear in general, I think. Like on the news when it breaks out of the zoo. And our nightmares. Outside our window, breaking in with a large stick. Fighting off an army of Agent Smiths in the Matrix. And so on.

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Ten Reality TV Stars Most Deserving of a Grisly Death. My latest Uproxx feature. In the original version, I came up with specific means of executing everyone. I deleted those parts when I realized it made me sound like a homicidal maniac. I got a little too creative with rape and hammers and industrial machinery. [Uproxx]

Rock. Scissors. Paper. SHARK KNIFE! That is all. [juliasegal]

O HELLZ YEAH. It’s the DeLorean hovercraft. Well played, nerds. [Gamma Squad]

Tiger banged the girl next door. Here are 80 pictures of her. Thanks, Internet! [With Leather]

The best picture of Gary Busey you’ll see this week. Plus a Forgotten Classic, butthorn. [FilmDrunk]

I am also with Coco. How Conan O’Brien went from “Internet Luddite” to web-savvy performer. [New York Times]

Tiger Woods gets some extra motivation. I’d pay top dollar to have Rex Ryan as a life consultant. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

50 Hilarious TV Screenshots. “Hilarious” gets wildly overused on the Internet. I’d call these “funny” or “very amusing.” [Urlesque]

David Simon: still the man. Here’s a super-long interview from New York Magazine. Worth your time if you’re a fan of “The Wire” and/or looking forward to “Treme.” [NY Mag]

(video via the duty)

CORRECTION: Brutus is a brown bear, not a grizzly. But the headline stays because it sounds better.

Seven years ago, Casey Anderson rescued a five-month-old bear cub. Fully grown, the bear, Brutus, stands seven and a half feet tall, weighs half a ton, and consumes 20,000 calories (about the same as your mom). In the video below, Anderson talks about what it’s like to have a bear for your best friend, and suddenly owning a dog seems pretty lame. Although I suppose my Rottweiler mix craps less.

What’s this have to do with TV, you ask? Well, the video comes from Oprah’s website. And sure, it’s from last May, but COME ON, people. I’m not going to ignore a man whose BEST FRIEND IS A BEAR. Think how easy life would be. You’d never have to wait to get the bartender’s attention at a crowded bar. No one would ever try to cut in front of you. If you had a grizzly in the back your pickup truck, I’d wager you could leave the keys in the ignition without a worry. And I’d probably go in person to the cable company. “Oh my God, a BEAR!” “You’ll have to pardon my friend. He hasn’t eaten today, and he gets angry when I wait on hold for twenty minutes to get a customer service representative.”

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ADRIAN!!!!!

Vince over at FilmDrunk occasionally writes about Forgotten Classics to showcase some of the finest B-movies ever made. I’m going to borrow the concept to put the spotlight on Grizzly Rage, a 2007 TV movie that premiered in Canada and later aired on the Sci Fi Channel (before it was Syfy, of course). The premise, from IMDb:

4 teens trespass on a closed park site and accidentally run over a Grizzly bear cub. The mother comes after them. Unfortunately, she was been drinking from a lake full of toxic waste, illegally dumped, and has mutated into a super Grizzly bear.

Many of the reviews disagree about the “super” grizzly part, as apparently this is a departure from many nature-based horror films in that the bear is not mutated or possessed by Satan. Bummer. What’s not a bummer, though, is the tag line on the film’s poster (inset): Ripped Apart at the SCREAMS! I hope that copy writer earned a handsome payday.

Notably, the 86-minute movie doesn’t feature a single frame of the bear and the human actors sharing a shot, and the attacks consist of “bad editing and blood splashed across the camera,” according to a review at CHUD. More from that review:

This movie is bad. Laughably bad. The writing is a joke, the characters are about as interesting as tax code, and the direction is amateurish at best… Grizzly Rage is one 86-minute exercise in how to waste film. It’s utterly bereft of tension, scares, or even humor.

Hey! Some people really like tax code! Below: the Grizzly Rage trailer, a behind-the-scenes look, and one more screen cap of a grizzly roaring, just because I like bears.

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