A few weeks back, I saw a headline about Bravo star Bethenny Frankel almost being lost at sea, but I didn’t write about it because I can’t stand Bethenny and it seemed likely to be overblown reality TV bullcaca. Hey guess what:

The man who “rescued” the reality star and her husband last month after their boat supposedly broke down near Nantucket now says it was all scripted for her Bravo show, “Bethenny Ever After.”

Tim Russell told Jewish Journal that he was called to their boat by Frankel’s therapist — the vessel’s captain — at 5 a.m. to come and tow them back to shore because they had broken down. Before Russell, the therapist had called the coast Guard, but they refused help because the boat was not in danger. [NYDN]

It would be even better if the Coast Guard refused to assist her even if she WERE in danger. “Sorry ma’am, we have to do what’s best for America.”

But wait, the best parts are still to come:

Sure enough, when Russell, a 40-year vet on the water, checked their coordinates (which were read to him off the boat’s GPS, even though Frankel later claimed it had broken), he also realized the watercraft was fully functioning.

Still, Frankel’s therapist — a sailor with 30 years of experience — insisted Russell come get them, which he found extremely odd. Once he arrived, Russell noticed it was a party of nine: Frankel, her husband Jason Hoppy, the therapist and six Bravo crew members filming it all.

Russell ended up not even towing in Frankel’s boat. Instead, they started up the boat and followed him back to shore without a problem.

But that didn’t stop Frankel from jumping off the boat and kissing the dock — after the camera crew got off first to capture it all, of course.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, Frankel also lied about the $2800 tip she told Ellen DeGeneres she gave Russell as a thank-you for “saving” her life. He insists there was no such gesture made to him.

And as for Frankel’s joke that she would sleep with him as further reward, Russell said he would rather be “shipwrecked.”

In case that was all too much for you to read, here’s the Cliffsnotes: Bethenny pretended to be lost at sea, called the Coast Guard and anyone else for help, hugely inconvenienced a good Samaritan who wasn’t needed, and then bragged about giving him a tip after she did no such thing.

I have a lot of angst about the future the world: polar ice caps melting, overpopulation, the end of fossil fuels, the collapse of first-world markets, etc. And yet if I could change just ONE THING about the world, I’d round up everyone who’s ever made or appeared in a reality show, tie them to heavy rocks, and dump them into the South Pacific.

Bethenny Frankel is a fake-boobed, Skeletor-looking reality show retread who hawks low-calorie alcoholic sugar water to desperate women and whose most discernible talent is fomenting discord on a reality show. That makes her one of Bravo’s biggest stars, which is apparently why she filmed a pilot for a talk show.

The Telepictures produced pilot tapped the former Real Housewives of New York star to host an advice-based talk show that began taping earlier this month. Sources have also confirmed that fellow Telepictures talk show host and producer Ellen DeGeneres is involved with the project.

“I want to be on TV in a format where I can have a longer conversation with my fans rather than 140 characters on Twitter,” Frankel said during an interview with THR earlier this year. “It probably will be a talk show.” [THR]

I actually met Bethenny years ago, after she was on Martha Stewart’s “Apprentice” but before she got famous. She was perfectly nice to me, and her cleavage looked great, so I had to ask myself why I’m so negative about her. Then I read this:

Frankel sold her Skinnygirl cocktail line to Beam Global in March 2011 for $120 million.

Ouch. I don’t I hate her because she’s successful. I hate her because her success represents a massive bloc of people I hate: calorie-counting women who are desperate to get drunk but can’t handle the taste of alcohol. Just do cocaine, ladies. At least that way the people who profit are Colombian drug lords who have no desire to host a talk show.

Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo) — It’s the reunion show, and all the Botox in the world couldn’t stop these harpies from expressing their dislike of each other. Afterward, it’s the premiere of “Bethenny’s Getting Married?” which features both the chipmunk-faced pregnant one and an unnecessary question mark. I used to stick up for Bravo. Never again. You A-holes are going into the crap pile with TLC.

NBA Finals (ABC) — Game 4, Lakers at Celtics. It kills me to cheer for the Lakers, but at least their fans won’t annoy me if the team wins.

Burn Notice/Royal Pains (USA) — I’ll give this much to USA: they timed the beginning of their summer shows perfectly. There’s zero competition in terms of new episodes of scripted programming on Thursday nights.

Disaster on the Gulf: A Race Against Time (Discovery) — Oof, that’s how long the spill has been going on. Long enough for someone to pitch the idea, organize a crew, compile/shoot necessary footage, research and write a script, and put it together for air. Oh, and it’s still not contained. Sweet.

Penn & Teller: Bullsh*t! (Showtime) — Season premiere. Shut up and do magic, clowns!

So You Think You Can Dance (Fox) — The field gets narrowed down to ten dancers. I figure there’s probably some dancing along the way. That’s the way this thing works, right?

Nobody involved in this story does anything of worth, and nothing they say actually qualifies as news, but it annoyed the hell out of me so I’m gonna make damn sure it annoys the hell out of you. Skinny aging reality docu-soap star Rachel Zoe and skinny aging reality TV/docu-soap star Bethenny Frankel are having a beef on Twitter, y’all. Oh but wait: it gets much more annoying and pointless than that. [sic] it away, ladies:

Frankel seems to have started the nasty Twitter battle with the snarky remark: “Is wondering if I’m the only one who can’t get over the self-important nonsense that is rachel zoe.”

Not to be outdone, Rachel Zoe shot back with her own Twitter slam, “wow talk abt no class bn friends 4yrs rude.”

The Twitter war continued to escalate from there, with Frankel posting: “Is dying over this show.if I stick on a lampshade with a moo moo and a pair of bananas hoop earrings,rz may just D I E.what a bunch of BS!”

Naturally, Rachel Zoe can’t keep her mouth shut, posting: “she is inappropriate and clearly desperate for some attention… unclear y Bethanny [sic] has declared war..never bn anything but kind 2 her & clearly she enjoys being vicious as they say..obvi she was nevr my friend.”

Just to be clear, Rachel Zoe graduated from college in 1993, so she’s about 38 years old. Frankel turns 39 in two months. They went to George Washington and NYU, respectively. And they both write like 14-year-old girls. And not the precocious honor student types. The ones with MySpace pages. And Down Syndrome.

Unmarried Real Housewife of New York City Bethenny Frankel has reportedly been given her own reality show on Bravo, according to a report by Page Six.  (In case you don’t keep track of which housewife is which, Bethenny’s the one who looks like Skeletor’s sexy daughter.)

Frankel is saying bye-bye to “Real Housewives of New York City” and hello to her own reality show. The spunky star’s new show on Bravo this fall will be called “Skinny & The City.” Our tipster said, “The show will follow her planning her wedding to [fiancé] Jason Hoppy.” Life & Style also reports Frankel is penning a second book about “romance, money and friends” inspired by her feud with co-star Kelly Killoren Bensimon. Bravo had “no comment.”

Ugh.  File me under the growing camp of people against reality TV “stars” getting their own spin-off series.  Lookin’ at you, everything on VH1.

Also pictured here are Maria Menounos, Debi Mazar, and Catherine Bell, because they’re better-looking than the Real Housewives of Pretty Much Anywhere.  Oh, and Jenna Elfman, too.  She, uh, she’s… there.

Kelly Killoren Bensimon, the unmarried “housewife” who was added to this season’s cast of “The Real Housewives of New York City,” has continued her assault on castmate Bethenny Frankel, who is also unmarried, in case you were wondering if the name of the show is in any way accurate.

Bensimon, who last month was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend, opened up to Harper’s Bazaar, where she smoothed over some of her perceived rough edges.  Nah just kidding.  She was a total bitch.

On her response to costar, Bethenny Frankel calling her “inauthentic”:
“Is Bethenny a socialite? No. Will she ever sit next to Lauren duPont? No. Is she best friends with Aerin Lauder? No. Am I? No. Do I care? No. Does she? Oh, absolutely. She’s not authentic. All she does is sit there and cry all the time. I’m like, you’re crying about guys? And shut up. Honestly, if being inauthentic means graduating from Columbia University, writing three books, starting two magazines, bearing two children, being the ambassador for wool, running a marathon for charity — if that’s inauthentic? Tell me what authentic is.”

On why she agreed to “Real Housewives of New York”:
“I wanted to put my name up there. I was like, it’s not enough for New York to know me. I wanted the rest of America to know me. I have a great life. I have a lot of fun.”

Wow, what an amazing person.  And to think I wouldn’t have known how great she is if she hadn’t told me.  That was so nice of her.  We should really do something for her in return.  Like bury her in wet cement and drop her into the East River.

[via LIVE]