"UNHAND ME, YOU SCOUNDRELS!"

Betty White’s 90th Birthday: A Tribute to a Golden Girl (NBC) – This 90-minute tribute leads into White’s new hidden camera prank show, Off Their Rockers, where White and a team of fellow senior citizens try to trick unsuspecting rubes. My sincere hope is that this show becomes a massive hit and leads to widespread distrust of old people who are seeking assistance in public. “What? You need help with your groceries? Fat chance, ma’am. You won’t be making a boob out of me! [storms off]”

Alcatraz (FOX) – Two-hour series premiere of the J.J. Abrahms-produced drama centered around strange events at the notorious San Francisco prison. Unless this features Nic Cage screaming “Whaddaya say we cut the chit-chat, A-HOLE?” right into Sean Connery’s face, I’m not interested.

The Bachelor (ABC) – It has been brought to my attention that, as a fan of bonkers, trainwreck television, I should be watching this show. I will take it under advisement.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS) – Lily and Marshall move to the suburbs. Ted presumably drones on and on about white picket fences for upwards of half the show.

The Lying Game (ABC Family) – OO OO, I WANNA PLAY! Here we go. Ready? “I will totally watch this show.” What do I win? I hope it’s a steak.

The Layover (Travel) – Anthony Bourdain samples food and drink around London on his new travel show. I want to say something mean about how crappy English food is, but I’ve never been there and Guy Fieri has like five shows here in America, so I’ll just back away slowly.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kate Beckinsale and Steven Merchant on Conan; Simon Baker and Elizabeth Banks on Letterman; Liam Neeson and Piers Morgan on Fallon; Lucy Liu and Kevin Sorbo on Ferguson; Melissa McCarthy and Rick Perry on Butthead McGoo; and Don Cheade, David Cross, and Boyz II Men are on a rerun of Kimmel, which I am only including so I can post a Boyz II Men video after the jump. You all know how the game is played.

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Betty White will continue her late-life career resurgence with an NBC special that will honor her 90th birthday early next year. From TV Guide:

The dinner-style event is expected to be filmed in Los Angeles before year’s end and will air as a special sometime close to Betty’s milestone on January 17, 2012.

Good call on filming it sooner rather than later. In case, you know… I mean, she’s gonna be NINETY. Every day’s a gift is all I’m sayin’.

Among the famous faces likely to offer on-camera tributes: stars from Betty’s series, The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Hot in Cleveland, as well as funny ladies from the NBC comedy lineup.

WHAT? No one from “Golden Girls” is going to be there?!? What’s the problem with those bitches? Oh. Oh. OHHH. My bad, y’all.

I really hope this is an early April Fool’s prank: NBC has greenlit “Betty White’s Off Their Rockers,” a hidden-camera prank show hosted by the venerable octogenarian in which elderly actors play pranks on young people. And what better way to celebrate this occasion by showing you canned quotes from the press release:

Known throughout Europe as Benidorm Bastards, Betty White’s Off Their Rockers follows a band of seven senior citizens who make it their mission to play pranks on unsuspecting younger people. “Betty White is a comedic genius who escalates hilarity in any situation,” said Paul Telegdy, NBC’s EVP Alternative Programming. “Viewers will thoroughly enjoy watching her pull one over on the unsuspecting youth of America.”

‪Said White, “People have been telling me that I’m ‘Off My Rocker’ for years — now I can prove it.” [Deadline]

Great. As if we needed another reason to dislike old people. “Ha ha ha, you got me there, Betty. It’s funny because I thought that old person was helpless and suffering from dementia.”

Sofia Vergara is a favorite at the non-SAG Awards

The Screen Actors Guild Awards were on TNT last night, and unless you’re one of the people who fawns over red carpet fashion, there wasn’t a single reason to tune in. Because it was an actors union celebrating actors and their performances (SAG doesn’t give out awards for trivial things like writing and directing), it was an unstoppable loop of self-congratulation. There was even a montage of the brave actors who make our world better by starring in commercials. Ugh.

Anyway, the biggest stories out of this were HBO — which cleaned up with “Boardwalk Empire,” You Don’t Know Jack, and Temple Grandin — and Betty White, who won for Best Actress in a comedy for “Hot in Cleveland.” It’s been a long time coming, but that should be enough to start the Betty White backlash.

Full list of winners below.

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Betty White turned 89 this week, and she celebrated by appearing on Letterman and admitting that one of her hobbies was “vodka.” That’s when Dave busted out the bottle of Grey Goose and poured a couple glasses. I can’t say I approve of the choice of vodka (if you must drink such a boring spirit, at least make it Russian Standard), but I have to credit Letterman for making sure the label was turned away from the camera.

In the grand tradition of drinking on television, this doesn’t measure up to Joel McHale swigging Macallan and making fun of Kathie Lee and Hoda on “The Today Show,” but I definitely award Betty bonus points for still being cool at her age. Hell, she gets bonus points just for being alive at this point.

VIDEO:

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