"UNHAND ME, YOU SCOUNDRELS!"

Betty White’s 90th Birthday: A Tribute to a Golden Girl (NBC) – This 90-minute tribute leads into White’s new hidden camera prank show, Off Their Rockers, where White and a team of fellow senior citizens try to trick unsuspecting rubes. My sincere hope is that this show becomes a massive hit and leads to widespread distrust of old people who are seeking assistance in public. “What? You need help with your groceries? Fat chance, ma’am. You won’t be making a boob out of me! [storms off]”

Alcatraz (FOX) – Two-hour series premiere of the J.J. Abrahms-produced drama centered around strange events at the notorious San Francisco prison. Unless this features Nic Cage screaming “Whaddaya say we cut the chit-chat, A-HOLE?” right into Sean Connery’s face, I’m not interested.

The Bachelor (ABC) – It has been brought to my attention that, as a fan of bonkers, trainwreck television, I should be watching this show. I will take it under advisement.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS) – Lily and Marshall move to the suburbs. Ted presumably drones on and on about white picket fences for upwards of half the show.

The Lying Game (ABC Family) – OO OO, I WANNA PLAY! Here we go. Ready? “I will totally watch this show.” What do I win? I hope it’s a steak.

The Layover (Travel) – Anthony Bourdain samples food and drink around London on his new travel show. I want to say something mean about how crappy English food is, but I’ve never been there and Guy Fieri has like five shows here in America, so I’ll just back away slowly.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kate Beckinsale and Steven Merchant on Conan; Simon Baker and Elizabeth Banks on Letterman; Liam Neeson and Piers Morgan on Fallon; Lucy Liu and Kevin Sorbo on Ferguson; Melissa McCarthy and Rick Perry on Butthead McGoo; and Don Cheade, David Cross, and Boyz II Men are on a rerun of Kimmel, which I am only including so I can post a Boyz II Men video after the jump. You all know how the game is played.

Betty White will continue her late-life career resurgence with an NBC special that will honor her 90th birthday early next year. From TV Guide:

The dinner-style event is expected to be filmed in Los Angeles before year’s end and will air as a special sometime close to Betty’s milestone on January 17, 2012.

Good call on filming it sooner rather than later. In case, you know… I mean, she’s gonna be NINETY. Every day’s a gift is all I’m sayin’.

Among the famous faces likely to offer on-camera tributes: stars from Betty’s series, The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Hot in Cleveland, as well as funny ladies from the NBC comedy lineup.

WHAT? No one from “Golden Girls” is going to be there?!? What’s the problem with those bitches? Oh. Oh. OHHH. My bad, y’all.

I really hope this is an early April Fool’s prank: NBC has greenlit “Betty White’s Off Their Rockers,” a hidden-camera prank show hosted by the venerable octogenarian in which elderly actors play pranks on young people. And what better way to celebrate this occasion by showing you canned quotes from the press release:

Known throughout Europe as Benidorm Bastards, Betty White’s Off Their Rockers follows a band of seven senior citizens who make it their mission to play pranks on unsuspecting younger people. “Betty White is a comedic genius who escalates hilarity in any situation,” said Paul Telegdy, NBC’s EVP Alternative Programming. “Viewers will thoroughly enjoy watching her pull one over on the unsuspecting youth of America.”

‪Said White, “People have been telling me that I’m ‘Off My Rocker’ for years — now I can prove it.” [Deadline]

Great. As if we needed another reason to dislike old people. “Ha ha ha, you got me there, Betty. It’s funny because I thought that old person was helpless and suffering from dementia.”

Sofia Vergara is a favorite at the non-SAG Awards

The Screen Actors Guild Awards were on TNT last night, and unless you’re one of the people who fawns over red carpet fashion, there wasn’t a single reason to tune in. Because it was an actors union celebrating actors and their performances (SAG doesn’t give out awards for trivial things like writing and directing), it was an unstoppable loop of self-congratulation. There was even a montage of the brave actors who make our world better by starring in commercials. Ugh.

Anyway, the biggest stories out of this were HBO — which cleaned up with “Boardwalk Empire,” You Don’t Know Jack, and Temple Grandin — and Betty White, who won for Best Actress in a comedy for “Hot in Cleveland.” It’s been a long time coming, but that should be enough to start the Betty White backlash.

Full list of winners below.

TELEVISION

Outstanding Performance By An Ensemble In A Drama Series
“Boardwalk Empire” – WINNER
“The Closer”
“Dexter”
“The Good Wife”
“Mad Men”

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series
“Modern Family” – WINNER
“30 Rock”
“Glee”
“Hot in Cleveland”
“The Office”

I love “Modern Family,” but the ensembles for “Parks and Recreation,” “Community,” and “Archer” are all superior to every one of the shows nominated.

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series
Steve Buscemi, “Boardwalk Empire” – WINNER
Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad”
Michael C. Hall, “Dexter”
Jon Hamm, “Mad Men”
Hugh Laurie, “House”

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series
Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife” – WINNER
Glenn Close, “Damages”
Mariska Hargitay, “Law & Order: SVU”
Elisabeth Moss, “Mad Men”
Kyra Sedgwick, “The Closer”

Margulies took the time to thank her in-laws. Bitches be crazy, man.

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock” – WINNER
Ty Burrell, “Modern Family”
Steve Carell, “The Office”
Chris Colfer, “Glee”
Ed O’Neill, “Modern Family”

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series
Betty White, “Hot in Cleveland” – WINNER
Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie”
Tina Fey, “30 Rock”
Jane Lynch, “Glee”
Sofia Vergara, “Modern Family”

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
Al Pacino, You Don’t Know Jack – WINNER
John Goodman, You Don’t Know Jack
Dennis Quaid, That Special Relationship
Edgar Ramirez, Carlos
Patrick Stewart, Macbeth

Joseph Mazzello did some terrific work in The Pacific; it’s a shame he wasn’t nominated.

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
Claire Danes, Temple Grandin – WINNER
Catherine O’Hara, Temple Grandin
Julia Ormond, Temple Grandin
Winona Ryder, When Love is Not Enough: The Lois Wilson Story
Susan Sarandon, You Don’t Know Jack

Film winners on the next page.

Betty White turned 89 this week, and she celebrated by appearing on Letterman and admitting that one of her hobbies was “vodka.” That’s when Dave busted out the bottle of Grey Goose and poured a couple glasses. I can’t say I approve of the choice of vodka (if you must drink such a boring spirit, at least make it Russian Standard), but I have to credit Letterman for making sure the label was turned away from the camera.

In the grand tradition of drinking on television, this doesn’t measure up to Joel McHale swigging Macallan and making fun of Kathie Lee and Hoda on “The Today Show,” but I definitely award Betty bonus points for still being cool at her age. Hell, she gets bonus points just for being alive at this point.

VIDEO:

Here are a ton of links.  This should keep you occupied while I file the necessary paperwork to adopt that sassy Asian toddler, and rule the child beauty pageant circuit with an iron fist.

(*Sigh*) Fine. Nine minutes of the latest “Family Guy” Star Wars spoof. [MTV Movies Blog]

See, Parents Television Council, sexualizing THIS would be pedophilia. Previously unseen documentary footage of 12 year old Lea Michele. [NY Daily News]

I voted for the watermelon from “The Amazing Race.” Betty While voted Entertainer of the Year. [The Globe and Mail]

An elephant never forgets.  That’s why you should never cross Khloe Kardashian. Seriously though, this footage from “60 Minutes” about people who have endless memory is fascinating. [MadCapWanderlust]

More links after the jump, plus two of my favorite GIFs ever.

Cool, but I’m just sending a mass text of my junk with a tiny Santa hat on it. Burnsy gives you all the news you need about sending holiday cards. [Uproxx]

Needs more bobsled questions.  Punte interviews NFL great Herschel Walker, and does a MUCH better job than I would have.  My interview would have consisted entirely of questions about his bobsledding career and the accuracy (or lack thereof) of the action scenes in Cool Runnings. [With Leather]

Aaaand I’ll be doing this accent all day. Vince reviews The Fightah stahhrring Mahhhky Mahhk.  The first movie in histary to get ow-ah accent right. [Film Drunk]

PEW PEW PEW. Call of Duty downloadable content due in February, at which point everyone should pray for enough snow to stay inside all day without getting fired. [Gamma Squad]

What?  You think you’re better than me? (*chugs gasoline*) 10 gifts for the wealthy alcoholic on your Christmas list. [Smoking Jacket]

LOOKATMELOOKATMELOOKATME. Here’s something I wrote about why the guy from the Infiniti snowball commercials is a psychopath. [Steel Clink Alcatraz]

Needs more JJ Redick. Looking back at the year in shooters.  Oh.  You mean video games.  Never mind. [G4]

Presented without comment. My new favorite Tumblr. [EatingOffThePeoplesPrincess]

Call me 1shma3l.  Moby Dick, the video game. [Adult Swim]

1914?  That was, like, before the Internet, right? The story of the WWI Christmas truce. [Ned Hardy]

And now, two of my favorite GIFs.  I’m a bit of a connoisseur.  First, Mike Dexter doin’ what Mike Dexter do.

Second, my Christmas present to Matt.

The nominations for the Screen Actors Guild Awards have been released, and there are some pretty stupid choices, but nothing on the level of retardation that you see from the Golden Globes. In general, because the nominations come from actors, the nominations favor shows with strong actors and (more importantly) established actors. Which is to say: if they couldn’t think of someone to round out the list, they picked someone old and/or familiar. Let’s have a look-see:

Best TV Ensemble, Drama:
Mad Men (AMC)
Dexter (Showtime)
Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
The Closer (TNT)
The Good Wife (CBS)

“The Closer”? “The Closer” wouldn’t make my Top 20 list. It’s somewhere below “Burn Notice” and “White Collar.”

Best Actor, TV Drama:
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Hugh Laurie, House

Best Actress, TV Drama:
Glenn Close, Damages
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

Oooohh, Mariska Hargitay! It must be so hard to look serious about rape every week.

Best TV Ensemble, Comedy:
30 Rock
Glee
Hot in Cleveland
Modern Family
The Office

I could complain about “Hot in the Cleveland” getting the nod over “Community” or any of FX’s superior sitcoms, but at least it’s not “Nurse Jackie.”

Best Actress, TV Comedy:
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Jane Lynch, Glee
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Betty White, Hot in Cleveland

Ahhh, THERE’S “Nurse Jackie.”

Best Actor, TV Comedy:
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Steve Carell, The Office
Chris Colfer, Glee
Ed O’Neill, Modern Family

I love “Modern Family,” but I don’t think Ed O’Neill’s performance really stands out as one of the best on TV. And I know Chris Colfer has had some big dramatic scenes on “Glee” lately, but this award should really be going to actors who make you laugh. And as far as I know, Colfer hasn’t tried to throw a football this season.

UPDATE: Ha.

(Those are the TV nominations. Full list with movie noms here.)

Damn, Betty White. You just got me aroused. I’ll add you to the list for when I finish my time machine. [Lily Mars]

How to wake up during winter. Natural light alarm clocks. Perfect for anyone who can’t afford to spend their winter at a Mexican resort. [UPROXX]

Books? Ugh. Don’t worry, there are pictures! A list of reading material for any geeks you may know — including the awesome-looking Nextwave, which is ”like Shakespeare but with lots more punching.” [UPROXX]

This is why he’s incredible. Here’s a GIF of the Incredible Hulk throwing a bear. Why? BECAUSE HE CAN. [Robot in Disguise]

The Cowboys are the new Knicks. Not necessarily the worst team in the league, but certainly the most glorious disaster. [With Leather]

Hey, what’s Uwe Boll been up to? Oh, not much: just making Blubberella,”superhero comedy about an overweight half-vampire who fights Nazis.” Although that description makes it sound better than it looks. [FilmDrunk]

The Little Debbie Diet. You can eat all the junk food you want and still lose weight, as long as you’re cutting back on calories. Thanks, science! [Gamma Squad]

Oh, hey! TV news and notes:

Comedy is not quantifiable. The chart at left from SplitSider has been making the rounds the last couple days (click to enlarge), and while I agree that “30 Rock” is funnier than “Bleep My Dad Says,” the methodology unfairly turns art into science. “Weeds” writer Stephen Falk wrote an excellent response to it. [Stephen Falk]

Cheater: ‘I didn’t cheat.’ Caitlin Burke, the woman who solved a Wheel of Fortune puzzle with only one letter, rejects claims that she cheated. Actually, the way she describes it, she makes it sound believable (Call me, Caitlin!) [Fox411]

THEO! Malcolm-Jamal Warner will play Shirley’s ex-husbanc on “Community.” [EW]

‘I’m happy I cut my legs off.’ But how will she wear her Bad Idea Jeans now? [The Clearly Dope]

Get it? He was using the robot arm to masturbate.

As expected, “Big Bang Theory’s” move to Thursdays was a success for CBS, as it pulled in almost three times as many viewers as NBC’s brilliant “Community.” Here’s the breakdown of the overnights:

“Big Bang” delivered 14 million viewers and a 4.8 preliminary adults 18-49 rating, that’s actually up a tenth of a point from its cozy position in CBS’ Monday comedy block last year.

NBC’s rival “Community” (5 million, 2.2) fell 42% from last year’s debut. But don’t go blaming “Big Bang” just yet. Last year, “Community” aired at 9:30 p.m. and benefited from an “Office” lead-in. Last night’s “Community” is on par with the show’s usual 8 p.m. performance last season, and  improved upon last fall’s “Saturday Night Live” special in the time period. [THR]

Here’s my beef with CBS comedies like “The Big Bang Theory” and “Two and a Half Men.” It’s not that they’re bad; it’s that they don’t try. The acting is solid, and many of the jokes are funny. But they never try to serve anything more than the lowest common denominator. Jokes are telegraphed from miles away, and the humor is lowbrow without being edgy. They have no intention to surprise intelligent viewers or break new ground, and that bores me.

“Community,” on the other hand, rewards viewers who pay attention. It winks at pop culture enthusiasts without being too obvious or cloying (like Troy waking up in a Spider-Man t-shirt after a summer in which fans tried to get Donald Glover the role in the rebooted movie franchise). Other treats from last night’s episode:

Very... "Season 1."

For those of you who can’t view Hulu, you can watch the video here. GIFs via Community Things, avadakedeborah, and Someone to Blame, respectively.

The Creative Arts Emmys were handed out this weekend, and “creative arts” is a very polite way of saying “not important enough to televise.” I guess the Emmys that get shown on TV are for non-creative work. Wait, that’s the Daytime Emmys.

ANYWAY, winners included Betty White (Best Guest Actress in a Comedy, “Saturday Night Live”), Neil Patrick Harris (Best Guest Actor in a Comedy, “Glee”/Best Special Class Program, The Tony Awards), and Isaiah Mustafa (Best Commercial, “The Man Your Man Could Smell Like”). Other notable events:

• John Lithgow won Best Guest Actor in a Dramatic Series for his role as the Trinity Killer in “Dexter,” then thanked HBO instead of Showtime.
• Ann-Margret received the only standing ovation of the night when she collected the award for Best Guest Actress in a Drama for her appearance on “Law & Order: SVU.” Ice-T has a way of bringing out the best in his fellow thespians.
• Christina Hendricks was there.

Full list of winners here. It’s absolutely fascinating stuff. Woo, way to go Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony! That lighting really was amazing!