Big Brother 13 (CBS) — Season premiere. It’s impossible for me to wrap my mind around the fact that millions of people watch “Big Brother.” I feel like CBS should cast people between the ages of 45 and 65 for this show, then it might make sense to me.

The Great Dinosaur Escape (NatGeo) — In my mind, this is The Great Escape remade with dinosaurs, with a velociraptor in the Steve McQueen role. There is no way that whatever NatGeo airs will live up to that.

So You Think You Can Dance (Fox) — Florence + the Machine perform on the elimination show. I think Florence + the Machine is the highest-profile plus-sign in music since Mike + the Mechanics. Who knows, maybe the Mechanics helped build the Machine.

Police Women of Broward County (TLC) — Season finale. Women be coppin’!

Hollywood Sunset: A Farewell to Entourage (HBO) — Highlights from the first seven seasons. I suspect it looks something like this.

Louie (FX) — Louie goes house hunting. Tonight’s episode was my least favorite of the ones I screened. Let me know in the comments if you find the ending as nonsensical as I did.

Buckle your sweatpants, everybody, because this is the awesomest crime you’ll read about until someone burns down the old folks’ home. A group of nine women in Turkey who thought they were on a “Big Brother”-style show were actually just “conned into frolicking naked and engaging in cat fights” — photos of which were sold online.

A military police spokesman said the women – most of them models from the Mediterranean resort of Antalya and the Aegean port city of Izmir – had been held captive for around two months.

The women had responded to an advertisement looking for contestants for a reality show that was to be purportedly aired on a major Turkish television station. The group, including a teenager aged 15 or 16, were selected after being interviewed…

They were not abused or harassed sexually, but were told to wear skimpy bikinis, to dance by the swimming pool and were encouraged to get into fights with one another, reports said. [Telegraph]

Listen, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: duping women into imprisonment is WRONG, okay?  But c’mon: you have to admire the absolutely asteroid-sized BALLS it takes to do this. Because most men have had this thought before: “Man, wouldn’t it be awesome if I had a whole house full of models and just made them dance around in bikinis all day?” But nobody ever actually makes it happen. Well, except rappers. But their methods aren’t nearly as impressive.

Last week Sophie Reade was named the winner of the most recent iteration of UK’s “Big Brother,” and this is news because of her ginormous breasts. It’s also news because she gained some weight and said she’s gonna get bigger boobs and plastic surgery on her vagina. Good times.

Of her weight, the glamour girl said she was having to wear tracksuits as none of the rest of her clothes fitted. Talking in this week’s issue of New! magazine, she said: ”I’m usually between 7st 11lbs and 7st 13lbs [109 to 111 lbs] and I’m now 9st [126 lbs]. I can’t believe I’ve gained more than a stone in weight!” [Mirror]

That sound you just heard? Thousands and thousands of normal-breasted women who weigh more than 126 pounds flipping open a switchblade and announcing they’re going to cut a bitch.

The model, who already wears a 30GG bra, says she wants to give herself an even bigger boost with the £71,321 she won. When asked if she would be considering a boob job Sophie said: “I’m going to, yes. Go bigger? Why not, just for a change, go massive.” She cheekily added: “Maybe I’ll have a designer vagina. Maybe pink and fluffy.” [Mirror]

Don’t stop there! See if the surgeon can remove your uterus, too! Oh, that’s too harsh, you say? We should let her reproduce because of her awesome gigantic breast gene? I say watch the video below and tell me if you think this person should be responsible for anything more complicated than sea monkeys.

Sexy Post-jump BONUS: Sophie topless here.

This is a clip from the U.K.’s version of “Big Brother.”  It’s kind of hard to tell what’s going on without context, but basically the housemates had to pass a metal ring over a twisting electrified bar, and if the ring touched the bar, other housemates got an electric shock (hence the ridiculous suits, I believe).

The video is kind of lame until the two-minute mark, at which point one of the guys just repeatedly touches the ring to the bar, intentionally shocking his housemates over and over again.  And I think I speak for everyone when I say: OUTSTANDING.  I’d be a much bigger proponent of reality television if more contestants got electrocuted.  In fact, I’m putting together a proposal for a show right now called “Electric House.”  Or maybe “High Voltage.”  Or “Shock Treatment.”  Okay, I don’t know what to call it yet, but the bottom line is that people suffer constant electric shocks.

Sigh.  This summer’s upcoming installation of “Big Brother” will put the housemates on teams according to their status in high school.  Let’s go to the press release:

The House Guests will be shocked to learn that they will be playing the game in one of four familiar high school cliques – popular, athletes, brainiacs and off beats.  They will compete for food, safety from eviction and luxury prizes as part of their clique.

It’s a good thing they separated the popular people from the athletes — those groups never get along!  Oh, why can’t the starting quarterback ever find an attractive girl to date?

“You may have graduated, but the truth is we never leave high school [WRONG. Die. -Ed.] and this summer we are going to prove it,” says Allison Grodner, Executive Producer of  BIG BROTHER. “From the brains to the jocks to the off-beat, everyone will be able to identify to one of these cliques, giving the viewers a group to root for and against from the very beginning.  The division will cause instant drama.”

Sweet.  What every productive member of society grows to realize is that high school is a source of angst — even for the most popular kids — because it unfairly shoehorns complex individuals into overly simplistic boundaries.  But that’s CBS for you.  CBS is the popular kid who made fart noises during class and tripped smaller kids in the hallway.   Whatever, man, he doesn’t need to pass stupid-ass algebra.  His dad owns a dealership.