After yesterday’s ratings post, which revealed that “Community” is the sixth least watched TV show on the Big Four networks, that “Harry’s Law” is more popular than “Parks and Recreation,” and that “NCIS” is America’s most watched TV show, the collective American intelligence needed a win.

Enter Jon Stewart:

Fox News’ prime time lineup now averages fewer viewers than Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show. According to TVNewser, Fox News averaged 1.868 million total viewers in prime time compared to 2.3 million for The Daily Show … The reason why Fox News feels so threatened by Jon Stewart is because his program is more popular than anything not named Bill O’Reilly on the network. Not only is Stewart popular, but he is popular with the coveted young demographics that Fox News struggles with. The average Fox News viewer is 65 years old.

The ratings win is not only big in terms of moral victories for common sense, but the demographics also suggest that there are more younger, brighter television viewers than deluded senior citizens demanding that hobos “put some skin in the game.” Then again, to put it in a broader perspective Fox News was the 4th ranked cable network of 2011 (while “The O’Reilly Factor” and “Hannity” were number one and two in cable news, respectively), compared to MSNBC, which was 28th (with CNN trailing behind at 29th), which suggests that there are a lot more deluded senior citizens watching Fox News than there are wackjob Pinko-liberal fascists watching MSNBC.

Either way, it’s a victory for fake news and dick jokes.

(Source: TVNewser)

Angry finger-pointer Bill O’Reilly is perhaps smarter than the average Fox News talking head, but he’s never come across as someone with a “conscience” or “soul” or “capable of human feeling.” So it’s not exactly a surprise that he tried to use the Nassau County Police Department as his own personal investigation unit in an attempt to dig up dirt on the police officer sleeping with his estranged wife, Maureen McPhilmy O’Reilly.

According to our source, [Inspector Neil] Delargy offered [Detective Richard] Harasym no justification for investigating the detective—who is unmarried—aside from the alleged infidelity. “The order was to investigate this detective not for any misdeeds,” the source said, “but to see if they could get anything on him. Delargy also told him to tell the detective to back off.”

Delargy told Harasym that the investigation was highly sensitive for two reasons, the source said: 1) It was ordered directly by then-police commissioner Lawrence Mulvey, and 2) O’Reilly was at the time considering making a major donation to the Nassau County Police Department Foundation, a private not-for-profit foundation Mulvey helped found in 2009 to raise money for construction of a planned $48 million police training facility at Nassau Community College. [Gawker]

What? That’s legal, right? If you and your wife get separated, and she starts dating a cop, you can dangle a couple million dollars to the police chief in order to get the cop investigated by internal affairs, right? That’s just capitalism, people. If you don’t like it, you must be one of those SOCIALISTS trying to get medical care.

This video is only a minute long, but I could barely tolerate thirty seconds of it. Bill O’Reilly sent a producer for his show to “ambush” Snooki at a book signing, and what ensues is probably the worst thing ever: a stand-off between a producer for “The O’Reilly Factor” and Snooki’s publicist. It’s the human equivalent of a hyena defending a bloated pronghorn corpse from vultures: two repugnant, scavenging animals seeking nourishment from diseased flesh.

As recompense, I offer you the other side of humanity:

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Ugh. I can’t do this right now. You explain it, Washington Post:

The pro football playoffs begin this weekend, but Fox Sports is already making sure there’ll be solid television ratings no matter what teams makes it to the Super Bowl on Feb. 6.

That’s because conservative Fox News talk show host Bill O’Reilly will be interviewing President Obama during the pre-game show, the White House confirmed yesterday.

Oh, Jesus Christ.  So look… apparently, the President always gets interviewed before the Super Bowl.  The last two years, when NBC and CBS had the Super Bowl, President Obama sat down with Matt Lauer and Katie Couric, respectively.  I say “apparently” because I have zero recollection of this happening — probably because it was a crappy, generic, softball-fest.  Good.  That makes it not newsworthy, and therefore easy to ignore.  BUT NO, everybody had to go and insert a second divisive figure, and up the odds that everyone’s Super Bowl party will devolve into an intense drunken debate about economic policy and who hates America the most.

I love football.  Especially the Super Bowl.  It’s a chance for people to get together and enjoy something, regardless of color, age, gender (HARF HARF THAT’S JOKES), and political ideology.  By inserting a divisive figure like O’Reilly (and the same would go for any left-leaning news figure too, for the record), people are trying to stir the pot.  I don’t want the pot stirred.  I want to get drunk and crack mean jokes about Brett Favre and eat food until I puke.

All this is doing is increasing the chances that my Super Bowl experience will be ruined, and dammit, that’s the Black Eyed Peas job.

(*hums Battle Hymn of the Republic, marches off Internet*)

Sorry for the politics.  Palate cleanser after the jump.

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To make amends for the controversial walk-out two weeks ago, Bill O’Reilly went back to “The View” in costume for Halloween, and Whoopi Goldberg settled the score with him by interrupting the discussion with the world’s longest fart. True story.

(For people who don’t enjoy my version of reality, this video was taken from O’Reilly’s appearance on “The View” last year. Thanks to Vadim for the delightful edit.)