So, the thing about TV news that breaks after 2 p.m. on a Friday: you’ll probably have to wait until Monday to read our reaction to it, even when it’s about “Community.” It’s a scheduling thing blah blah blah. So, to apologize for our tardiness, we’ve sorted through all the hundreds of masturbatory quotes and inane talking points from this year’s Television Critics Association (Fox and NBC so far, everything else forthcoming) to give you only the tidbits that matter. Also, to sweeten the deal, there’s a reactionary GIF for every item.

Also, quite possibly the least funny show on TV was canceled, so yay!

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Last year, “Bones” star David Boreanaz admitted to an affair with professional hussy Rachel Uchitel before Tiger Woods made it the cool way to wreck your marriage. Notably, Boreanaz worked things out with wife Jaime Bergman (Miss January 1999, NSFW), who seems way cooler than Elin Nordegren. That Swedish broad never even got naked for us.

Anyway, not only was banging Uchitel an awesome change of pace from being married to a boring ol’ Playmate, it also strengthened Boreanaz’s marriage. Everyone wins!

[Boreanaz] tells TV Week that his affair has been “a bonding experience, in the long run… In a sacred ground like marriage, you find yourself out of it at certain times for reasons unknown that can be destructive,” the 42-year-old actor explains. “There could be a demon that kind of comes out and overtakes you.” [Us]

“Baby, it wasn’t my fault! I was overtaken by my rock-hard erec– er, a demon! Yeah, that’s it! A demon.” Man, it must be awesome to be rich and famous and handsome.

Absolutely tragic news today: the Comic-Con panel for “Bones” has been canceled. This catastrophic disaster could affect dozens, maybe even hundreds of geeks who were planning to ask David Borneaz a question about “Angel.” Michael Ausiello, the vacant-eyed Billy Bush of entertainment writers who was supposed to moderate the panel, says:

According to a show rep, both Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz are unable to make the trek to San Diego for personal reasons. As a result, the session has been scrapped.

Anyway, lots of other entertainment sites are beefing up their coverage of Comic-Con, with multiple reporters and live Twitter updates and yadda yadda *wank* *fart noise*. My solemn promise to you, the reader, is that I will continue to sit on my couch and be surly about the excessive hype created by obsessive geeks. If I have some extra time, I’ll come up for some new epithets for Ausiello, a fawning moron of staggering incompetence who won’t stop until he’s destroyed the meaning of the word “exclusive.” That’s the real shame of the “Bones” panel being canceled: it would have been a great time to throw rocks and glass bottles at him.

There aren’t a lot of excellent TV news stories today, so here’s a trailer for this Friday’s season finale of “Fringe,” as well as some other headlines around Hollywood.

Nicole Scherzinger to Host American ‘X Factor’. Scherzinger has all the qualities required of a host on a high-profile reality show: tits and the absence of a harelip. [TV Squad]

‘Bones’ Renewed for Season 7. Fox made the announcement 12 hours after David Boring-Ass broke the news on Twitter. [HitFix]

Chris Bosh Is Suing VH1. Finally, someone is taking legal action about a show called “Basketball Wives” in which NO ONE IS ACTUALLY MARRIED. Man, that really burns my bacon. [THR ESQ]

Fox is working on a potential spinoff of forensics procedural “Bones.” The plan is to introduce a recurring character (currently in the casting phase) and use his appearances as a backdoor pilot, also known in Hollywood circles as a “Travolta.” Deadline says…

[The spinoff] would be based on The Locator series of two books written by Richard Greener that centers on Walter Sherman aka “the Locator”. Walter is described as an eccentric, obstreperous and amusing reclusive man in his late 20s-30s with highly sought after abilities to find anything. He is skeptical of every statement and often asks offensive, seemingly irrelevant questions which oddly enough turn out to be extremely relevant.

Tentative title: “Lie to Me House Locator, M.D.”

A former military policeman, Walter knows Agent Booth (David Boreanaz) from their time serving in Iraq together, and the two dislike each other very much. Meanwhile, Dr. Brennan (Emily Deschanel) finds him very intriguing. Walter was injured overseas and suffered brain damage which lead to his honorable discharge, as well as his ever present state of paranoia.

Yup, that’s precisely what happens when veterans have brain injuries. It turns them into borderline autistic savants whose lack of interpersonal skills are sure to entertain viewers. Totally accurate! When they’re not committing suicide, that is. Maybe Fox can make a show about a veteran who gets from place to place more easily after his legs get blown off because he develops THE POWER OF FLIGHT.