David Hasselhoff presented an award at last night’s European Music Awards in Berlin, located in the country we can blame for his music career. And since he walked onstage to “Looking for Freedom,” and since he was in the city where the Berlin Wall fell, and maybe because he was wearing a sequined suit, and especially since he was drunk, the Hoff took the opportunity to slur his way through a Cold War history lesson. And let me give this next statement its own all-caps paragraph:
THE. VIDEO. IS. AWESOME.
The level of drunkenness is just truly remarkable. Like, I drink a lot, but when I see this I’m all, “Phew, at least I don’t have a problem.” What a marvelous destructive addiction he has. He knew he had to go on TV, and he didn’t just have a couple of nips of grandfather’s cough syrup to get loose. He probably washed down some horse tranquilizers with a fifth of vodka. I think he’s moved up to a second-round pick in next year’s celebrity death pool.
Last year, Jodie Sweetin — aka Stephanie Tanner from “Full House” — publicly admitted that she had an awesome addiction to every kind of drug on the planet, then she went on “Good Morning America” and made a tour of college campuses talking about how great it was to beat addiction. Now she’s coming out with a new book in which she admits to doing drugs the entire time she was talking about being clean. I suppose it’s wrong that I find that an attractive feature, huh?
Us Magazine has a full breakdown of her awesomely deviant behavior. It starts with binge drinking at age 14 and moves on to snorting meth at a film premiere and driving drunk with her nine-month-old daughter in the car. Wheee! Let’s take a closer look:
What’s that? You’d like to see a chimpanzee on rollerskates drinking Jack Daniel’s with Lynyrd Skynyrd? Thy will be done. [Waxin' and Milkin']
‘Who the hell is Wolf?’ I promised no more Balloon Boy posts, so this goes in the links: little Falcon Heene, annoying though he may be, can at least provide a good quote. [Asylum]
Marge Simpson in Playboy. The pictures are actually kinda hot — if you’re the kind of pervert who masturbates to cartoon. (Which I am.) [Holy Moly]
This will totally become an episode of ‘CSI’: An Australian man was arrested for robbery after his DNA was identified in a leech that fell off his body at the scene of the crime. Key quote: “They tied her to a chair, poked her with sticks, and robbed her of $504 (AUS $550), authorities said.” [CNN via this handsome fellow's Twitter]
John Stamos: ‘Whatever, I was drunk.’ Stamos admits he was drunk in this YouTube classic. [Us]
New episodes of ‘Arrested Development’! Just kidding. But IFC has acquired the right to re-air the series. [B&C]
Credit where it’s due. I do what I can to fight against recaps of television episodes, but I admit that this “Mad Men” recap is outstanding in its own right. I liked the part where I didn’t have to read much. [Best Week Ever]
David Hasselhoff has once again gotten so drunk that he needed hospitalization, and the details of his London bender are too spectacular and numerous for me to succinctly recount, so please do yourself the favor of reading The Sun’s account (emphasis added):
A source close to the star said: “David is very hard to handle when he drinks, often very emotional and aggressive. On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed – ruining two mattresses – and was becoming a real pain for staff.
“His assistant Joe Townley was so concerned he called out a doctor. David was furious and lashed out at him – but mistakenly hit the doctor. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”
Hotel guest Maria Weston, 44, told how she saw Hasselhoff swearing in the bar. She said: “He was abusing all the staff, shouting at everyone. We were shocked – you’d think he was just some drunk, not a big star.”
Hasselhoff has been admitted to hospital at least FIVE times for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, five times. Freshmen girls who never drank in high school don’t go to the ER for alcohol poisoning five times. Although it’s nice to see I’m not the only one locking people in the basement when they drink too much. I’m telling you, those freshmen girls were a menace! Someone had to stop them, and I’ll let them out as soon as they sober up. Say, in a month or two.
The preeminent judge on “America’s Got a Nasty Hangover”
According to a report by TMZ, inexplicable TV star David Hasselhoff was so drunk that he was hospitalized last night. Again.
We’ve learned 17-year-old Hayley Hasselhoff — who was at home with David — called her mother Pamela, claiming David was extremely drunk. One of Pamela’s friends called 911, paramedics arrived at the family’s home in Encino and took him to the hospital. We’re told the hospital was supposed to release David Sunday night.
That’s the problem with having kids. They’re always getting in the way of a hard-earned bender. I went and visited my niece this weekend, and I guess she’s pretty cute, but she can’t even make a decent Manhattan. I sometimes wonder what the hell my sister is teaching her. Kid’s gonna be four next year and she’s still adding way too much vermouth.
It is practically impossible to watch an episode of “Mad Men” without wanting a stiff drink — or, at the very least, bemoaning that it’s not acceptable to imbibe at work — but according to one ad executive from the 1960s, AMC’s hit show actually underplays just how much drinking, smoking, and extramarital screwing ad men did in the ’60s. From USA Today’s interview with advertising CEO Jerry Della Femina, who first rose to prominence in the ’60s:
Q: Did ad agency executives really drink that often — and that much — in the 1960s?
A: My (former) agency, Della Femina Travisano & Partners, had five top people. We’d go to the Italian Pavilion (now Michael’s in Manhattan), and as we walked through the door, the bartender would see us and start shaking the martinis. As we were being seated at the table, he’d put them down. Everyone had one, and without even asking, the second would arrive. Then, while we were still looking at the menu, the third would arrive.
I read this paragraph at 11:30 Eastern time and immediately cursed Fate for not bringing me into the world in 1938. Because dammit if that paragraph doesn’t make me want a martini. Then I thought, “Wait, I work from home without supervision, and I have a full bar at my disposal.” So that’s why this happened:
