In this interview with Dan Le Batard, “Wheel of Fortune” host Pat Sajak talks about how he and Vanna White used to get dumptrucked on margaritas between tapings of the show, and how it resulted in him having trouble recognizing the alphabet. This brings up three (3) important points:

1) Do you guys think Pat and Vanna ever… you know… [makes circle with fingers, violently jams index finger in and out of circle for a very uncomfortable amount of time]? I bet they did.

2) Pat Sajak is kind of a creep. Watch him on the show sometime. If there’s a cute female contestant up there, you can GUARANTEE that Pat will be all hands and eyes anytime he’s within four feet of her. I’ve said all this before, but he seems like the kind of guy who knows his way around the bushes outside the homes of the pretty ladies in his neighborhood.

3) There was a lady on the show last night who had the puzzle solved but mispronounced “picturesque” as “picture-SKAY,” and it cost her a trip to Hawaii. Admittedly, this has very little to do with the clip in this post. But still… sheesh.

Brett Butler, the star of ’90s hit show “Grace Under Fire,” battled troubles with addiction even while her show aired. So what’s been going on in the 13 years since it went off the air? Oh, you know, the usual: “everything but crack and needles” and living in a homeless shelter.

“I almost died like Michael Jackson. … I was dying of addiction,” she said in an interview with Entertainment Tonight’s Nancy O’Dell.

“I did everything but crack and needles pretty much,” she added. “I had a variety of things given to me by doctor, and other things. I’m not doing it to be coy, but I’m not going to go through what I did. I did it ’til the wheels came off.”

She went in and out of rehab, and after the show was canceled, she moved out of her L.A. mansion to a farm in Georgia, where she lived with 15 pets, but she soon ran out of money and found herself in a homeless shelter. [THR]

You can watch the video of the interview at that THR link. Butler’s now attempting a comeback doing stand-up in L.A. while filming a reality show about that and her-self-professed psychic abilities because OF COURSE there’s a reality show.

I’d like to see a reality show that brings together washed-up celebrities whose reality shows failed. Brett Butler can join David Hasselhoff, Sinbad, MC Hammer, and Roseanne in a house with ever-deplenishing stocks of booze. Like, it starts out with a full bar, but after that there’s only Thunderbird, and after that cooking wine, and eventually they’ll have to huff paint thinner and magic markers. Whoever stays high the longest without dying wins.

There are three pillars upon which Warming Glow is built: Alison Brie, corgis, and bringing you every possible TV clip about vodka-soaked tampons. With that last one in mind, last night’s “Colbert Report” led off with the Phoenix news report featured here last week (though it said nothing of the phenomenon’s 2008 appearance on “The Doctors”).

The clip is below for you enjoyment (via Uproxx). To the commenting section’s great credit, Colbert closes with the same punchline that La Schmoove made in last week’s post. Warming Glow: telling you Stephen Colbert’s jokes a week before they happen, without any of the acclaim or respectability.

Yesterday, my head exploded when I watched this local news report about teenagers getting drunk by putting vodka-soaked tampons into their vaginas (or rectums) and also by using beer bongs for alcohol enemas. After I cleaned up the gray matter on my wall and reassembled the pieces of my skull, my head re-exploded to learn that the vodka-soaked tampon had been used as a punchline on “30 Rock.”

Now, to top it all off, here’s a 2008 clip from “The Doctors” that covers both vodka tampons and anal bongs. How did I never know about all this? Here I am, drinking my alcohol like a sucker.

I feel so old. Whatever happened to teenagers just huffing spray paint and lighting fireworks? That was plenty stupid and dangerous for young people when I was in high school.

[image via]

Because teenagers are stupid and annoying, I sometimes forget about the often difficult quest of getting wasted when you’re underage. I take for granted that I can walk into any liquor store and just buy a handle of Evan Williams whenever I want, or leave work to go to a bar and drink a beer.

That’s what makes this local news report from CBS affiliate KPHO in Phoenix the most hilarious thing I’ve seen all day. Apparently teenagers are soaking tampons in vodka and then inserting them vaginally (or rectally) to get drunk. Others are bonging beers rectally so their parents can’t smell it on their breath. Ah, the ol’ beer enema. “Lie back and think of England!”

Oh, also it destroys your vaginal wall and could give you alcohol poisoning. But worrying about your health is for old people. Party on, dudes! *jams whiskey bottle up ass, does hand stand*

UPDATE: As commenter Parduno points out, vodka tampons were a joke on “30 Rock.” Peep the video:

[News report via BuzzFeed]

So this is cool: while working on an ad campaign for Ciroc vodka, Michael K. Williams convinced Aaron Paul to join Twitter. (Also featured in the “Ciroc Ratpack” campaign: Frank Vincent, Diddy, and… Chad Michael Murray? Who invited that clown?)

In case you’re new to learning actors’ names and need the significance of this spelled out for you: Omar Little — the most memorable character from the best show ever made (“I robs drug dealers”) — was hanging out in Vegas with Jesse Pinkman, a meth cook/dealer on what may be the best show on television right now. Now THAT is a party I want to be a part of. You can’t tell me that jackass Chad Michael Murray deserves that spot over me. No one with three first names should be in an homage to the Rat Pack. “Chad Michael Murray” sounds like a serial killer in Nebraska.

Whoa, get ready for a “Saturday Night Live” scandal: former cast member Darrell Hammond is coming out with a tell-all memoir in which he reveals his rampant use of booze, cocaine, and crack during his 14-year tenure on the show. What an outrage! I’m going to put asterisks on all those laughs I got.

“I kept a pint of Remy in my desk at work,” Hammond recalls in God, If You’re Not Up There, I’m F*cked, out Nov. 8 from HarperCollins. “The drinking calmed my nerves and quieted the disturbing images that sprang into my head … when drinking didn’t work, I cut myself.”

In 1998, cops took Hammond from the NBC infirmary to New York Hospital in a straitjacket. “My wife came but I didn’t recognize her,” he writes. In 2002, Hammond recalls, “I’d started adding an obscene amount of cocaine to my binges … I had to be creative about how I did it without other people catching on or letting it interfere with the work. At least too much.”

In 2009, during his 14th “SNL” season, and having gone to rehab once, Hammond relapsed. “I had the brilliant idea I should try crack,” he writes — and he spent time in a Harlem crack house. [NY Post]

I just can’t believe that a bunch of comedians working late at night on the weekends in New York City would allow this kind of behavior. This will probably tarnish the show’s reputation forever.

This video made my day. Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, best known as the beefiest Guido on the “Jersey Shore,” enters the confessional room with Nutella on his face and the nose of a Pinocchio doll in his mouth, and begins slurring through a monologue before falling silent mid-sentence.

I don’t know what else to say about this except to call it art. Sure, it’s just a drunk idiot trying to figure out what he’d done that night, something that I and countless other drunks do on a regular basis. But the fact that this was captured on camera and beamed out into the world for everyone to watch makes it fascinating to me. It makes me want to search for meaning where there is none. “Pinocchio’s nose in his mouth is clearly a metaphor for the lies we tell ourselves, while the Nutella blackface serves as a commentary on Italy’s troubled race relations stemming from its proximity to northern Africa.” Man, this is easy. I should have taken more art history classes.

[Remote Control]

As you surely know, Sunday night marked the beginning of Discovery’s annual Shark Week, and what better way to celebrate a ratings-grabbing TV event than by drinking yourself blind? This Shark Week drinking game is sure to get you loaded on rule #3 alone — the clip we posted yesterday was two straight minutes of Australian accent. But if I had my way, I’d add one more rule: take a drink every time they display the scars or amputation nub of a shark attack survivor. (For the handful of readers out there who don’t drink, I’ve included a Shark Week corgi below to brighten your day.)

(Reddit via Blame It on the Voices. Corgi via Robopanda. BONUS: Shark Week cocktails!)

There’s an absence of interesting TV news today, and I absolutely refuse to write about the Comic-Con schedule (OMG! “Doctor Who” is in Hall H! *fart noise*), so instead I’m sharing the “Law & Order: SVU” drinking game that’s currently burning up Tumblr. It’s an excellent drinking game in that it’s simple and straightforward, but my preliminary math shows that it will only produce a gentle buzz, and not the roaring blackout drunkenness that might inspire someone to smash up the Ed Sullivan Theater. I recommend tripling the dosage.