There’s an absence of interesting TV news today, and I absolutely refuse to write about the Comic-Con schedule (OMG! “Doctor Who” is in Hall H! *fart noise*), so instead I’m sharing the “Law & Order: SVU” drinking game that’s currently burning up Tumblr. It’s an excellent drinking game in that it’s simple and straightforward, but my preliminary math shows that it will only produce a gentle buzz, and not the roaring blackout drunkenness that might inspire someone to smash up the Ed Sullivan Theater. I recommend tripling the dosage.

Things don’t feel quite right in the universe unless “Boardwalk Empire” actress Paz de la Huerta is pissing people off while her breasts desperately try to free themselves from her clothing, and I’m happy to report that everything is totally normal. De la Huerta attended a party at New York’s annoyingly chic Bowery Hotel last Thursday, where she — yep — pissed people off with her tits hanging out. The yoozh.

Showing up in a barely-there black slip dress, the actress kept having to adjust the thin straps or risk having a wardrobe malfunction (or two).

After spending time with some pals at the bar, the actress discovered that a nearby room had been set up with a couch and a huge frame to do photo shoots for guests. De la Huerta cut the long line of guests waiting to have their pictures snapped, grabbed a tiara and scepter from the props and proceeded to spread out on the couch where the pictures were being taken.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” she snapped at the photographer, who offered suggestions to the star.

She quickly overstayed her welcome on the couch, however, grinding and rolling around while making faces and adjusting her hemline as a crowd gathered. The actress then pulled a girlfriend to the couch for a steamy girl-on-girl kiss, refusing to leave when lined-up guests began to get irritated.

Then as suddenly as she had appeared, she’d had enough and two pals helped her off stage with her dress strap hanging down. [E!; image via]

I can’t read about Paz’s unhinged nightlife (hello, assault charges) without seeing her in a Dungeons & Dragons alignment matrix. Paz de la Huerta is Chaotic Evil: wholly self-serving, in constant need of attention, prone to fits of rage, usually braless, and perpetually 30 seconds away from having sex in public. She’s a supervirus, a penicillin-resistant version of every horrible girlfriend you’ve stayed with for the mind-blowing sex. And I love her for it.

Karen Gillan, the 23-year-old co-star of “Doctor Who,” was found naked in the hallway of her New York City hotel at 7 a.m. following a night of “riotous” partying, according to the always-subtle Daily Mail. A male permanent resident of the Ace Hotel — who the hell lives in a hotel? — reported the incident:

The resident, who later identified the stranger as Miss Gillan, said: ‘I went to the peephole and looked out. I saw a man at the lift who was looking back at someone who was attempting to open my door… the next thing I saw was a woman giving this person at my door two towels before getting into the lift and leaving.

‘Then I saw this young woman, completely naked, trying to wrap two towels around her and not having much luck. ‘She then started to whimper and knock on my door. Seeing that she wasn’t  getting anywhere, she lay down with the towels covering her.’ Security then arrived, noticed her room key and wrapped her up and took her back to her suite.

To recap: a hot, naked, disoriented redhead tried to get into this man’s hotel room, and he just watched from the peephole. Why yes, the gay pride parade was this weekend. Why do you ask?

Earlier today, “Parks and Recreation” star Adam Scott tweeted this photo of him with co-star Nick Offerman (better known by now as Ron Swanson) with the caption, “This oldish photo illustrates how much Nick Offerman enjoys working with me.”

And as much as I want this to be a candid photo of Nick Offerman totally wasted after a cast party of some sort, Offerman and Scott are wearing the same clothes they wore in “The Fight” (S3E13), also known as “The Snake Juice Episode” that provided the famous animated GIF of Ron Swanson dancing. So even though Offerman is disheveled and bleary-eyed, it’s probably the result of the crew’s hair and makeup artists, not a fifth of single malt scotch.

Bah, I hate the way the Internet always fact-checks little details. Forget the previous paragraph: Look everybody! DRUNK RON SWANSON!

Bethenny Frankel is a fake-boobed, Skeletor-looking reality show retread who hawks low-calorie alcoholic sugar water to desperate women and whose most discernible talent is fomenting discord on a reality show. That makes her one of Bravo’s biggest stars, which is apparently why she filmed a pilot for a talk show.

The Telepictures produced pilot tapped the former Real Housewives of New York star to host an advice-based talk show that began taping earlier this month. Sources have also confirmed that fellow Telepictures talk show host and producer Ellen DeGeneres is involved with the project.

“I want to be on TV in a format where I can have a longer conversation with my fans rather than 140 characters on Twitter,” Frankel said during an interview with THR earlier this year. “It probably will be a talk show.” [THR]

I actually met Bethenny years ago, after she was on Martha Stewart’s “Apprentice” but before she got famous. She was perfectly nice to me, and her cleavage looked great, so I had to ask myself why I’m so negative about her. Then I read this:

Frankel sold her Skinnygirl cocktail line to Beam Global in March 2011 for $120 million.

Ouch. I don’t I hate her because she’s successful. I hate her because her success represents a massive bloc of people I hate: calorie-counting women who are desperate to get drunk but can’t handle the taste of alcohol. Just do cocaine, ladies. At least that way the people who profit are Colombian drug lords who have no desire to host a talk show.