Real Divorced Housewife of New York Kelly Bensimon will appear in December’s issue of Playboy, according to a report from Aging Fake Tits Quarterly. The former model and bitchy egomaniacal socialite will thankfully be only semi-nude. Page Six says:
The magazine is set to publish semi-nude photos of Kelly Bensimon, 40, in its December issue, In Touch reports. “It becomes a big deal on the show,” which is currently filming, an insider said. “Kelly is telling everyone that she might be on the cover.”
Kelly also might win the Nobel Prize. Assuming they award the Nobel Prize for Being Delusional.
No one in the glossy’s Chicago offices could be reached. But word is Kelly’s ex, fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon, took the photos a few years ago. One source said, “They’re sexy, but they won’t set the world on fire.”
I really can’t get over how much I loathe the entire “Real Housewives” franchise and how it glamorizes washed-up women being bitchy to each other. The word is I’m willing to take drastic steps to put an end to them. One source said, “He’s sexy, and he’s going to set the Bravo corporate headquarters on fire.”
If you’ve never watched an episode of “The Rachel Zoe Project,” consider yourself lucky. Lab rats trying to work their way through a maze display greater mental dexterity. Better language skills, too. If you don’t believe me, watch some clips yourself at Bravo or Hulu. This clip is only 32 seconds long, but it made my eyelid twitch.
Anyway, this Funny or Die video by Amy Phillips is a welcome takedown of Zoe. If you still don’t dislike her after seeing the video evidence, read this NYT article from 2007 — before she had a TV show.
Magazines like Us constructed provocative narratives around [non-celebrities like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie] — their romantic woes, their drug problems — and Zoe, who began working with Richie in 2003 when she was viewed only as Hilton’s plump sidekick, saw an opportunity. “Nicole is now what people refer to as the big thing that happened,” Zoe told me in Paris. “Everything went from nowhere to everywhere. Nicole was about creating a look. Because of her fashion sense, which was really my fashion sense, she became famous. It was a huge moment: Nicole became a style icon without being a star.”
Nicole Richie, of course, dated DJ AM, and the headlines resulting from that increased his fame, which gave him more gigs, which led to the near-fatal plane crash last year that led to his dependence on Xanax that triggered his drug relapse and deadly overdose. Long story short, Rachel Zoe murdered DJ AM.
Hitler had a better haircut
Sebastian Oppenheim, the floppy-haired 16-year-old douchewattle of “NYC Prep” semi-fame, has appeared in photos with swastikas and a friend in Hitler garb. Page Six says:
After finding a roll of electrical tape in the back of a car, Oppenheim and his “wingman,” Gabe, made swastikas with the tape, and Gabe put a piece under his nose to resemble a Hitler mustache. [...] Sebastian’s father, Jeff, pointed out to Page Six that Sebastian is part-Jewish and that the two had just seen the trailer for “Inglourious Basterds,” which features an over-the-top fuhrer. “But even if it was done in humor, along the lines of Mel Brooks, it’s inappropriate,” Jeff said. “I’ve had a talk with him. In no way was he thinking about what these symbols mean. He’s horrified. He meant no offense. He’s mortified and very apologetic.”
So what if he pretended like Nazis are cool? You don’t see any of the actors in Unglorious Bass Turds taking heat for dressing up like Nazis, do you? And why is everyone always making the Nazis out to be so awful, anyway? Is it the attempted extermination of the Jews? It is? Well then. I suppose that’s fair.
Quality spoofs are rare these days, so it was a genuine pleasure to watch this video from Landline TV called “The Real Housewives of Lancaster County.” The premise is simple but brilliant: it contrasts the celebration of opulence and gossip of Bravo’s “Real Housewives” series with the humble and antiquated lifestyle of the Amish. And it delivers lines like this:
“Jacob always spoils me with all the best crops and livestock.”
There are plenty of little chuckles in this video, which I appreciate since I just found out my mother has terminal cancer. No, not really. I just made that up to make you feel sympathy for a second. But wouldn’t that be awful if she did have it? Phew. Close call today, my friends.
Best Week Ever uncovered a YouTube account consisting of nothing but squiggly animated spoofs of retarded Bravo reality shows. A couple more are posted after the jump.
The time I spent watching these clips represents more time than I’ve committed watching all of these actual shows combined, so I can’t vouch for the accuracy of the parody, but they’re pretty funny and obviously mean-spirited, so that’s good enough for me. They don’t make me any more likely to watch any of these shows, but they do make me yearn for the days when Dr. Katz used to air at least 14 times a day on Comedy Central. Ah, early years of Comedy Central, how I miss your unbroken hours of content featuring an almost complete lack of original programming.
Unmarried Real Housewife of New York City Bethenny Frankel has reportedly been given her own reality show on Bravo, according to a report by Page Six. (In case you don’t keep track of which housewife is which, Bethenny’s the one who looks like Skeletor’s sexy daughter.)
Frankel is saying bye-bye to “Real Housewives of New York City” and hello to her own reality show. The spunky star’s new show on Bravo this fall will be called “Skinny & The City.” Our tipster said, “The show will follow her planning her wedding to [fiancé] Jason Hoppy.” Life & Style also reports Frankel is penning a second book about “romance, money and friends” inspired by her feud with co-star Kelly Killoren Bensimon. Bravo had “no comment.”
Ugh. File me under the growing camp of people against reality TV “stars” getting their own spin-off series. Lookin’ at you, everything on VH1.
Also pictured here are Maria Menounos, Debi Mazar, and Catherine Bell, because they’re better-looking than the Real Housewives of Pretty Much Anywhere. Oh, and Jenna Elfman, too. She, uh, she’s… there.
