This post was originally going to be about the History Channel paying $3.5 million to advertise their show “Swamp People” during the Super Bowl. As I was reading over the story, however, I came across this paragraph:

“Swamp People” is History’s third most-watched original series, trailing only “Pawn Stars” and “American Pickers.” “Pawn Stars” throughout 2011 averaged 7.02 million L7 viewers, making it the fifth most popular program on basic cable. “Pickers” averaged 5.78 million.

Yeah… none of those shows are about history. Not even a little bit. “Swamp People” is about Cajun dudes catching alligators or something, “Pawn Stars” is just about a fancy pawn shop, and “American Pickers” is about buying and selling antiques. To bastardize a great Mitch Hedberg joke, this would be like if the Food Network started airing a reality show about farmers. It’s ridiculous. Yes, the network’s ratings are up, but I don’t see how they can keep calling themselves “The History Channel” like they’re some beacon for educational programming when their schedule is full of shows like this. I’m on to you, History Channel! YOUR HEAD RESTS UPON A BED OF LIES!

But, the more I thought about it, I realized that the History Channel is far from the only network guilty of this. I’ve compiled a collection of other offenders after the jump.

A&E (Arts and Entertainment) – If anyone can explain to me — TO MY SATISFACTION — what shows about crippling psychological issues and substance abuse like “Hoarders” and “Intervention” have to do with arts and/or entertainment, I will give you $100.

AMC (American Movie Classics) – Despite the word “movie” being right there in the title, AMC has become the home to a number of quality TV dramas, including “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad.” I would be tempted to give them a pass for this if they didn’t also air reruns of “CSI: Miami” and classic movies like Jurassic Park III and The Sandlot: Heading Home (the direct-to-video third Sandlot film, and an absolute travesty).

Bravo – Formerly the home to a lineup of arts-based shows, centered around their staple “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” the network is now home to a menagerie of shows about hairdressers and insanely rich, drunken harpies fighting over perceived slights involving dinner reservations. The lesson here is this: between this network, A&E, and education cutbacks, the arts in this country are totally f-cked. Our entire economy will be based around getting sh-thoused and punching your friends by 2020.

MTV (Music Television) – The channel that used to air music videos and news now airs shows about pregnant teenagers and orange, roided-up millionaires traveling the world and embarrassing America at every stop.

TLC (The Learning Channel) – I think we’ve been a little unfair to TLC. I’ve learned a ton about soullessly exploiting your own children and other people’s disabilities for financial gain by watching this channel.

VH1 (Video Hits One) – Another music channel, formerly specializing in Michael Bolton and Celine Dion videos, that changed its format over the last few years. It now features a lineup full of dating shows and reality competitions based around washed up recording artists from 20 years ago courting strippers, and spinoffs about the most cartoonish competitors on those shows.

And that’s just a sampling. I’m sure if I sat around and did more research, I could find a bunch more. Feel free to add your own examples in the comments, or just silently be irritated about it for weeks, like I was before today.

Well well well, if it isn’t our old friend, Patti Stanger. When the “Millionaire Matchmaker” star isn’t making sweeping generalizations about Jews and gays, she stays busy by being a  bitch to the wayward idiots who think she can successfully set them up with wealthy mates. In this virtuoso collection of c*ntery created by Vulture, you can watch Stanger put down dozens of women far more attractive than she is — and some men, too (“I wouldn’t have sex with you, and I wouldn’t give you a blowjob,” she says to a hobbit whose response should be relief). All in all, the video makes me wonder how Patti was only the 11th on my list of TV’s most punchable faces.

Oh, and Patti, here’s a quick evaluation of your assets: you’re a hatchet-faced sea cow that couldn’t be made attractive by all the cosmetics in the world, but your face isn’t half as ugly as your personality.

The good news: Andy Cohen, the executive vice president of programming for Bravo (we have him to thank for “Millionaire Matchmaker” and the endless variants of “Real Housewives”), will take a reduced role behind the scenes of the network next year. The bad news: he’s only doing that because the show he hosts, “Watch What Happens Live,” will start airing five nights a week.

The network will announce Tuesday that Mr. Cohen’s show, which now runs twice a week, on Sundays and Mondays, will extend to five nights starting Jan. 8, with the big wrinkle that its schedule will still include Sunday and eliminate Friday. As Michael Davies, the show’s executive producer, put it, “Sunday night is wide open in late night.” [...]

The show has no opening monologue, more reality TV guests than any other late-night show, and the only on-set bar serving cocktails to guests and audience alike.

In addition to the reality TV stars, especially from Bravo’s own shows (lots of housewives), more familiar names like Jerry Seinfeld, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Tina Fey have turned up. [NYT]

Andy Cohen can sometimes seem like a warm, friendly person, so it’s important to remember that he hates the sound of children singing. And after the apocalypse, if any slice of humanity remains, he should be remembered as a key player in the downfall of Western Civilization: in creating Bravo’s massive slate of reality programming, he set the standard for giving reality fame-whores larger platforms and their own shows — and then he made “Watch What Happens Live” as a way to increase those platforms and give himself a slice of the fame. Everything about Cohen and Bravo is parasitic, cancerous, and antithetical to creative television. The world would be a better place if he got stabbed to death by a Filipino vagrant.

Even the best reality competitions — and “Top Chef” is certainly that — rely on a format that’s as predictable as it is comfortable to viewers. That’s what makes this video from Jest so funny: in a TV landscape where spin-offs are everywhere, the notion of “Top Chef” focusing on hapless fathers isn’t THAT big of a stretch. And the way this catches the details of “Top Chef” — the kitchen confrontations, the confessionals about teammates, the camera sweeping across the completed dishes — in an economical two and a half minutes makes this a great little spoof.

Judge 1: Charles. I really love the decision to serve the pizza cold.
Judge 2: And the orange soda being flat was a nice touch.
Charles: I lost the top a couple days ago, so I covered it in plastic wrap. No sense in throwing it out!

Morgan Wilson was the runner-up on Season 1 of Bravo’s “Top Chef: Just Desserts.” Now he’s been indicted on three second-degree felony charges of possession with the intent to promote child pornography. Whoops.

Wilson, 38, was arrested on Dec. 7, 2010 — less than a month after the ‘Just Desserts’ finale episode aired — when undercover investigators received file transfers from him via Limewire on his computer in September 2010. The file transfers allegedly contained images and videos of children as young as toddlers engaged in sexual acts, according to Pegasus News…

The executive pastry chef at Dallas’ Ritz-Carlton Hotel Lobby Lounge since 2007, the hotel’s Web site just removed Wilson’s name from the site; their Director of Human Resources Jim Van Winkle had previously declined to verify Wilson’s current employment status at the hotel. [AOL via ScreenJunkies]

It’s got to be tough to keep your job after you’ve been indicted on kiddie porn charges, but at least Wilson works in a field where it might not be entirely detrimental to his reputation. “Whoa, that dude’s attracted to children — I bet he makes AWESOME desserts.”

A few weeks back, I saw a headline about Bravo star Bethenny Frankel almost being lost at sea, but I didn’t write about it because I can’t stand Bethenny and it seemed likely to be overblown reality TV bullcaca. Hey guess what:

The man who “rescued” the reality star and her husband last month after their boat supposedly broke down near Nantucket now says it was all scripted for her Bravo show, “Bethenny Ever After.”

Tim Russell told Jewish Journal that he was called to their boat by Frankel’s therapist — the vessel’s captain — at 5 a.m. to come and tow them back to shore because they had broken down. Before Russell, the therapist had called the coast Guard, but they refused help because the boat was not in danger. [NYDN]

It would be even better if the Coast Guard refused to assist her even if she WERE in danger. “Sorry ma’am, we have to do what’s best for America.”

But wait, the best parts are still to come:

Sure enough, when Russell, a 40-year vet on the water, checked their coordinates (which were read to him off the boat’s GPS, even though Frankel later claimed it had broken), he also realized the watercraft was fully functioning.

Still, Frankel’s therapist — a sailor with 30 years of experience — insisted Russell come get them, which he found extremely odd. Once he arrived, Russell noticed it was a party of nine: Frankel, her husband Jason Hoppy, the therapist and six Bravo crew members filming it all.

Russell ended up not even towing in Frankel’s boat. Instead, they started up the boat and followed him back to shore without a problem.

But that didn’t stop Frankel from jumping off the boat and kissing the dock — after the camera crew got off first to capture it all, of course.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, Frankel also lied about the $2800 tip she told Ellen DeGeneres she gave Russell as a thank-you for “saving” her life. He insists there was no such gesture made to him.

And as for Frankel’s joke that she would sleep with him as further reward, Russell said he would rather be “shipwrecked.”

In case that was all too much for you to read, here’s the Cliffsnotes: Bethenny pretended to be lost at sea, called the Coast Guard and anyone else for help, hugely inconvenienced a good Samaritan who wasn’t needed, and then bragged about giving him a tip after she did no such thing.

I have a lot of angst about the future the world: polar ice caps melting, overpopulation, the end of fossil fuels, the collapse of first-world markets, etc. And yet if I could change just ONE THING about the world, I’d round up everyone who’s ever made or appeared in a reality show, tie them to heavy rocks, and dump them into the South Pacific.

UPDATE: Now with video! (Bottom of the post, via Gawker.)

“Millionaire Matchmaker” Patti Stanger isn’t just a natural beauty with a warm heart, she also knows how to charm minority groups with her silken tongue.

Appearing on Bravo’s call in show “Watch What Happens Live,” Stanger talked about open long distance relationships and monogamy, saying “In the gay world, it will always be open. … There is no curbing the gay man.” She then turned to host Andy Cohen, who is openly gay, and said, “I have tried to curb ‘you people.’”  When Cohen replied, “I am a gay and am down for the monogamy,” Stanger laughed and shot back, “When was the last time you had a boyfriend?”

She also proclaimed, “Jewish men lie.” [ABC News]

Of course, Stanger’s only making generalizations based on stereotypes and calling gays “you people” because she’s looking out for the best interests of intelligent women who want to get married. Um, right?

She went on to suggest that New York women — actually, women the world over — ought to avoid multisyllabic words and mention of their SAT scores before walking down the aisle.

“They don’t like them before they are married,” she said, referring to how men feel about smart women. “You’ve got to dumb it down a little because men are not that bright.”

Yeah, I’m far too intimidated by smart women who have “opinions” and “jobs” and “the ability to read” and “voting rights.” I’m just a simple man buying up real estate and waiting for the right woman to make me dinner and suck me off every night. Speak more of your truths, Patti! Tell us about about black men! If they hate condoms so much, why don’t they pull out?

Thanks to my Y-chromosome and a fully developed cerebral cortex, I’m immune to the various different “Real Housewives” franchises, so I didn’t watch last night’s Season 2 premiere of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” (In case you’re just joining us, that’s the one where the husband killed himself over anxiety about how he’d be portrayed on the show.) But Mary McNamara watched it for the L.A. Times, and she absolutely DESTROYED it.

The only meaningful statement Bravo could have made after the suicide last month of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” spouse Russell Armstrong would have been to cancel Season 2, which depicts, among other things, the collapse of the Armstrong marriage.

That, of course, was not going to happen — any hint of responsibility would have been taken as an admission that being on television has become an attractive nuisance, like an unfenced swimming pool. Instead, after offering their heartfelt condolences, the producers simply re-edited the season premiere a bit and added a preface, filmed Aug. 29, in which the cast directly addressed the tragedy.

Which meant, for five minutes or so, all the housewives except Armstrong’s wife Taylor — in full hair, makeup and Jackie O. sunglasses — converged on Adrienne Maloof’s over-kitschy manse to reassure themselves that they had nothing to feel guilty about.

Looking serious and dabbing occasionally at their eyes, they each professed their shock and sorrow (“I never saw any sign of it,” “I don’t think any of us saw any sign of it”) just as if they had actually been friends with Armstrong and not simply participants in a franchise built around the drama of discord, including and especially marital problems.

I recommend reading the whole thing, if only for the part where she calls the show “a creepy necro-party game.” Which, ironically, I might be more inclined to watch.

Two weeks ago, Russell Armstrong committed suicide by hanging himself.  The estranged husband of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Taylor Armstrong, Russell was $1.5M in debt and was deeply concerned about how he’d be portrayed on the coming season, reportedly saying things like, “they’re just going to crucify me this season” and “I don’t know what to do. I’ll never survive it.”

Well the bad news is that he didn’t survive it. The good news is that he’s going to be portrayed a lot better than he expected, because Bravo has filmed a special about Russell’s suicide.

The ladies of the show — Lisa Vanderpump, Camille Grammer, Kyle and Kim Richards, and Adrienne Maloof–filmed the special Monday; Taylor was not present. It’s unclear if the special will air before or after the premiere of the show’s second season.

An individual close to one of the ”Housewives” said the ladies were not given specifics as to how things would unfold during their sit-down and that it was intended as a way to get their reactions to what happened. [LA Times]

I heard that Andy Cohen was particularly devastated by Russell’s death. Devastated that Bravo didn’t get the suicide on camera. So, you know, Plan B: gather the women in a circle, have them talk about it, and milk it for another episode. That’s what Bravo does best.

I loved that guy in 'Scott Pilgrim vs. the World'

Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo) — Season premiere. You see, it’s “just desserts” because it’s only desserts, but it’s also a play on “just deserts” — that which one justly deserves. Please mind the spelling if you use the latter definition.

Buried Treasure (Fox) — Series premiere. Leigh and Leslie Keno make the leap from PBS’s “Antiques Roadshow” to a broadcast network’s replica of “Antiques Roadshow.” I’ll watch it if — and only if — they dress like pirates.

Slammed: Inside Indie Wrestling (NatGeo) — This special looks at the bright-eyed and/or delusional young wrestlers with an eye of making the big-time. Whatever, Brandon Stroud was watching indie wrestling before it got its own cable special.

Alternate History (Spike) — In the “what-if” genre of “Deadliest Warrior,” this show imagines history with different outcomes. Tonight’s episode examines a world in which Nazi Germany won World War II. I’ll tell you this much: people wouldn’t complain about the Jews running Hollywood.

Ghost Hunters (Syfy) — Summer premiere. Every time I criticize women for watching trash like the Real Housewives franchises, I have to remember that there are also terrible reality shows that pander to idiots.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Ashton Kutcher and Rafael Nadal on Letterman; Katie Holmes and Novak Djokovic on Leno (late-night tennis battle!); and Regis Philbin and Vera Farmiga on Ferguson. Just about everybody else is in repeats this week.