A few weeks back, I saw a headline about Bravo star Bethenny Frankel almost being lost at sea, but I didn’t write about it because I can’t stand Bethenny and it seemed likely to be overblown reality TV bullcaca. Hey guess what:

The man who “rescued” the reality star and her husband last month after their boat supposedly broke down near Nantucket now says it was all scripted for her Bravo show, “Bethenny Ever After.”

Tim Russell told Jewish Journal that he was called to their boat by Frankel’s therapist — the vessel’s captain — at 5 a.m. to come and tow them back to shore because they had broken down. Before Russell, the therapist had called the coast Guard, but they refused help because the boat was not in danger. [NYDN]

It would be even better if the Coast Guard refused to assist her even if she WERE in danger. “Sorry ma’am, we have to do what’s best for America.”

But wait, the best parts are still to come:

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UPDATE: Now with video! (Bottom of the post, via Gawker.)

“Millionaire Matchmaker” Patti Stanger isn’t just a natural beauty with a warm heart, she also knows how to charm minority groups with her silken tongue.

Appearing on Bravo’s call in show “Watch What Happens Live,” Stanger talked about open long distance relationships and monogamy, saying “In the gay world, it will always be open. … There is no curbing the gay man.” She then turned to host Andy Cohen, who is openly gay, and said, “I have tried to curb ‘you people.’”  When Cohen replied, “I am a gay and am down for the monogamy,” Stanger laughed and shot back, “When was the last time you had a boyfriend?”

She also proclaimed, “Jewish men lie.” [ABC News]

Of course, Stanger’s only making generalizations based on stereotypes and calling gays “you people” because she’s looking out for the best interests of intelligent women who want to get married. Um, right?

She went on to suggest that New York women — actually, women the world over — ought to avoid multisyllabic words and mention of their SAT scores before walking down the aisle.

“They don’t like them before they are married,” she said, referring to how men feel about smart women. “You’ve got to dumb it down a little because men are not that bright.”

Yeah, I’m far too intimidated by smart women who have “opinions” and “jobs” and “the ability to read” and “voting rights.” I’m just a simple man buying up real estate and waiting for the right woman to make me dinner and suck me off every night. Speak more of your truths, Patti! Tell us about about black men! If they hate condoms so much, why don’t they pull out?

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Thanks to my Y-chromosome and a fully developed cerebral cortex, I’m immune to the various different “Real Housewives” franchises, so I didn’t watch last night’s Season 2 premiere of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” (In case you’re just joining us, that’s the one where the husband killed himself over anxiety about how he’d be portrayed on the show.) But Mary McNamara watched it for the L.A. Times, and she absolutely DESTROYED it.

The only meaningful statement Bravo could have made after the suicide last month of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” spouse Russell Armstrong would have been to cancel Season 2, which depicts, among other things, the collapse of the Armstrong marriage.

That, of course, was not going to happen — any hint of responsibility would have been taken as an admission that being on television has become an attractive nuisance, like an unfenced swimming pool. Instead, after offering their heartfelt condolences, the producers simply re-edited the season premiere a bit and added a preface, filmed Aug. 29, in which the cast directly addressed the tragedy.

Which meant, for five minutes or so, all the housewives except Armstrong’s wife Taylor — in full hair, makeup and Jackie O. sunglasses — converged on Adrienne Maloof’s over-kitschy manse to reassure themselves that they had nothing to feel guilty about.

Looking serious and dabbing occasionally at their eyes, they each professed their shock and sorrow (“I never saw any sign of it,” “I don’t think any of us saw any sign of it”) just as if they had actually been friends with Armstrong and not simply participants in a franchise built around the drama of discord, including and especially marital problems.

I recommend reading the whole thing, if only for the part where she calls the show “a creepy necro-party game.” Which, ironically, I might be more inclined to watch.

Two weeks ago, Russell Armstrong committed suicide by hanging himself.  The estranged husband of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Taylor Armstrong, Russell was $1.5M in debt and was deeply concerned about how he’d be portrayed on the coming season, reportedly saying things like, “they’re just going to crucify me this season” and “I don’t know what to do. I’ll never survive it.”

Well the bad news is that he didn’t survive it. The good news is that he’s going to be portrayed a lot better than he expected, because Bravo has filmed a special about Russell’s suicide.

The ladies of the show — Lisa Vanderpump, Camille Grammer, Kyle and Kim Richards, and Adrienne Maloof–filmed the special Monday; Taylor was not present. It’s unclear if the special will air before or after the premiere of the show’s second season.

An individual close to one of the ”Housewives” said the ladies were not given specifics as to how things would unfold during their sit-down and that it was intended as a way to get their reactions to what happened. [LA Times]

I heard that Andy Cohen was particularly devastated by Russell’s death. Devastated that Bravo didn’t get the suicide on camera. So, you know, Plan B: gather the women in a circle, have them talk about it, and milk it for another episode. That’s what Bravo does best.

I loved that guy in 'Scott Pilgrim vs. the World'

Top Chef: Just Desserts (Bravo) — Season premiere. You see, it’s “just desserts” because it’s only desserts, but it’s also a play on “just deserts” — that which one justly deserves. Please mind the spelling if you use the latter definition.

Buried Treasure (Fox) — Series premiere. Leigh and Leslie Keno make the leap from PBS’s “Antiques Roadshow” to a broadcast network’s replica of “Antiques Roadshow.” I’ll watch it if — and only if — they dress like pirates.

Slammed: Inside Indie Wrestling (NatGeo) — This special looks at the bright-eyed and/or delusional young wrestlers with an eye of making the big-time. Whatever, Brandon Stroud was watching indie wrestling before it got its own cable special.

Alternate History (Spike) — In the “what-if” genre of “Deadliest Warrior,” this show imagines history with different outcomes. Tonight’s episode examines a world in which Nazi Germany won World War II. I’ll tell you this much: people wouldn’t complain about the Jews running Hollywood.

Ghost Hunters (Syfy) — Summer premiere. Every time I criticize women for watching trash like the Real Housewives franchises, I have to remember that there are also terrible reality shows that pander to idiots.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Ashton Kutcher and Rafael Nadal on Letterman; Katie Holmes and Novak Djokovic on Leno (late-night tennis battle!); and Regis Philbin and Vera Farmiga on Ferguson. Just about everybody else is in repeats this week.