Most Eligible: Dallas (Bravo) — Series premiere. For anyone who remembers the short-lived “Miami Social,” this is the exact same thing but in a less interesting city. From left: former University of Texas quarterback Matt Nordgren; aspiring musician/single mom Neill Skylar; Raiders punter Glenn Pakulak; resident cockblocker Courtney Kerr; token gay Drew Ginsberg (I thought those loafers looked light); and Tara Harper, who has been engaged four times. Now let us never speak of these people ever again.

Teen Wolf (MTV) — Season finale. I don’t care and don’t know anything about this, so I read a synopsis of tonight’s episode and somehow found myself caring even less.

The Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo) — Season premiere. It would be illegal if I solicited people to murder Patti Stanger in exchange for money, goods, or services, right? Okay, just checking. I definitely don’t want to do that. *wink, wink*

Rizzoli & Isles (TNT) — Jacqueline Bisset stars as the LADYCOPS investigate a murder at a Revolutionary War reenactment.

Gloria: In Her Own Words (HBO) — Gloria Steinem narrates a documentary about how awesome Gloria Steinem is.

Weeds (Showtime) — Michelle Trachtenberg joins the cast as a low-level pot dealer moving in on Nancy’s territory. So realistic. Every pot dealer I’ve ever seen is a skinny white woman I want to have sex with.

This is the state of television in the year 2011: aging women of privilege who are not professional or even skilled actresses are filmed arguing with other aging women of privilege in scenarios staged by producers. This model of low-budget amateur soap opera is so successful that it spawns seven iterations that take place in various geographic locations.

So really, should we be surprised that Bravo is charging between $49.50 and $170 per ticket for a live tour featuring “Real Housewives” stars?

“Bravo viewers like to truly engage in the shows they are passionate about,” said Ellen Stone, Bravo’s senior vice president of marketing in a press release. “With ‘The Real Housewives Live Tour,’ we are able to give our fans a unique, hands-on experience with their favorite cast members across franchises that they can’t experience anywhere else.”

Anyone wanting to shell out from $49.50 to $170 to engage the likes of Nene Leakes, Gretchen Rossi and LuAnn de Lesseps on topics along the lines of “Your hairdo — what’s up with that?” should get their wallets ready. Tickets go on sale August 19. [The Wrap]

As much as I want this to fail — and I do: I want the person responsible for this idea to be fired and eaten alive by fire ants — I can’t help but blame all the women and gay men who watched “Real Housewives” and made this abortion possible in the first place. It’s stories like this that make me feel okay about telling domestic abuse jokes.

It may surprise you to learn that “Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi actually used to be a supermodel, given that you were likely only interested in her for her opinions on food and the deft way she tells contestants about their cooking challenges. Her unassuming grace and competence probably prevented you from noticing, say, her flawless skin or dramatic cheekbones or cascades of dark hair or bountiful Indian bosom.

Well, Padma’s back on the modeling wagon with a new boxing-themed photo shoot for Danskin. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that “Top Chef” needs to do a lot more boxing-themed episodes. Maybe even a boxing season. Rename the show “Top Boxer.” And instead of contestants doing challenges it’s just Padma jumping rope and sparring and finishing every episode with a long, hot shower. How am I not a TV executive yet?

Click through for pictures.

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“Top Chef” has always been a well-respected reality show, both within foodie culture and among the rabble who hate most reality programming (like me). So it’s kind of a head-scratching move that the show would add Emeril Lagasse, a chef who’s known more for his catchphrase than his cuisine, as a permanent judge.

The Bravo reality competition show has hired Emeril Lagasse as its new judge, along with another lesser-known chef, Hugh Acheson (who previously competed on Top Chef Masters).

Padma Lakshmi, Gail Simmons and head judge Tom Colicchio will remain on the judging panel for the upcoming ninth season along with Lagasse and Acheson. Instead of focusing on one city, the show is going to three cities in Texas (Austin, San Antonio and Dallas) and returns later this fall. [EW]

I mean, I’ll still watch with Emeril on the show, I just won’t enjoy his presence. This entire show is built around Padma looking hot and Colicchio being a dick to the chefs. A fair dick, but definitely still a dick. The thinking man’s Gordon Ramsay.

Below is the trailer for the second season of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” and Warming Glow readers outside the United States can finally enjoy the fact that I’m embedding a Hulu player, as you’re better off not watching this. If you can tune out the crying and name-calling (“slut pig!”), it’s just a long stream of stereotypical rich-people stuff.

• Croquet
• Tiny dogs in expensive clothes
• A camel in front of a mansion
• Yachts
• Fabulously gay Asian man
• Collagen lips
• Chandeliers
• Cocktail parties

With all of those factors, the show is actually surprisingly close to — and yet so far away from — being “Hart to Hart.” Just add Robert Wagner and replace the crying with action scenes.

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