I’ve spent all morning trying to figure out a way to write about Argentina’s “Dancing With the Stars” routine in which a woman got completely naked and had wine poured all over her breasts and my God it was amazing I’ve had lap dances that weren’t as sexy, but there’s just no way to do it. So I’ll give you the next best thing: Gisele in a series of Brazilian lingerie ads. She says that women should wear sexy lingerie to deliver bad news. I’ve taken that message to heart by writing this apologetic blog post in my underwear.

[via BuzzFeed]

The only Portuguese I know is “Que linda!,” which I learned by osmosis while scrolling through F Yeah Brazilian Girls (NSFW). But I don’t need to speak Portuguese to understand this clip of a horse taking a dump on a children’s show on Brazilian network SBT. The high-pitched wave of shock and titillation that results from a stream of horse turds is the same across all tongues. Some people say that love is the international language; I say it’s horsesh*t.

(VIA; thanks for the tip, RoboPanda!)

Because I’m a stereotypically uncultured American, I don’t speak a word of Portuguese (it sounds kinda like Japanese to me), but that doesn’t take anything away from this Brazilian news clip, in which a reporter interviews a policewoman who’s perfectly poised on camera — until she finishes her response. The dramatic crash of her face is a pure delight. This is by far and away the best Brazilian video without almost-nude, thong-wearing women that I’ve ever seen.

NOTE:  This is also the first Brazilian video without almost-nude, thong-wearing women that I have ever seen.

[BuzzFeed]

Pictured here is a rare but TOTALLY AWESOME fire tornado that happened in Brazil, where a severe drought has dropped the humidity levels to those of the Sahara Desert. And no, before you ask, it didn’t smite any enemies of the Israelites.

Watch the ITV news report below, and check out the charming GIF that RoboPanda made for it over at Gamma Squad. There’s also this soundless video of the footage, which you can pair with the music of your choice over at YouTube Doubler. I think it goes nicely with Social Distortion’s cover of “Ring of Fire.”

This video has been making the rounds today, and why SHOULDN’T it? It’s an eight-year-old Brazilian girl singing and gyrating to Lady Gaga’s sex anthem “Bad Romance” on the talent show “Qual é o seu Talento?”.  I mean, if I’ve learned anything about the Internet, it’s that stories about Brazilian girls get lots of traffic.

Reached for comment about American broadcast rights, TLC said, “No thanks, that broad is way too old.”

Hey, remember Paris Hilton? Well, she apparently still exists, and she stars in this Brazilian commercial for Devassa Bem Loura beer. It’s typical “pretend this fake-looking blonde is sexy” stuff, but it doesn’t seem likely to air in Brazil. Ad Gabber says:

No less that three investigations into the ad have been launched. It’s too “sensual.” It encourages excessive consumption. It’s sexist and disrespectful to women.

Um, this is the Brazil on planet Earth we’re talking about, right? The Brazil where it’s okay for JOURNALISTS to pose for pictures like this (NSFW)? Sorry, I hate to point out the obvious here, but if anything this commercial is going to get banned for not being sexy enough. There are millions — literally, millions – of women in Brazil who could make that commercial sexier than Paris Hilton.

In Brazil, the “Canal Livre” TV show frequently obtained exclusive first images from murder scenes, often arriving at the scene of the crime before police.  How did they do it?  Police claim that the show’s host, state legislator Wallace Souza, was organizing the hits to eliminate competitors in the drug trade — and to boost ratings.

Police said Wallace Souza faces charges of drug trafficking, gang formation and weapons possession, but has not been charged with any killings.

Souza remains free because of legislative immunity that prevents him from being arrested as long as he is a lawmaker. He is being investigated by a special task force, and state judicial authorities will decide whether the case goes forward…

“We believe that they organized a kind of death squad to execute rivals who disputed with them the drug trafficking business,” [police] said.  Souza, [police] charged, “would eliminate his rival and use the killing as a news story for his program.”

The whole story is eight different kinds of awesome.  Souza denies everything and makes counter-charges of pedophilia, the only witness is a disgraced police officer allegedly seeking leniency for nine homicides he’s charged with, Souza’s son murdered a man by suffocating him with his ass cheeks…  Okay, so I made that last part up, but the point is that everything is better in Brazil: the politics, the crime, the TV, and — above all else — the asses.

This clip from Tru TV is from a Brazilian TV show where the bikini dancers fight like unspayed cats.  I watched it and couldn’t help but be relieved that I’m not saddled with the trouble of dating some hot Brazilian girl.  **cuddles RealDoll**