Despite being the lone “Dancing with the Stars” contestant to ever get fatter on the show, Bristol Palin’s lack of grace and poor work ethic propelled her deep into the season of ABC’s reality hit. And now, thanks to the irresponsible premarital sex she had as a teenager and the divisiveness caused by her mother’s political career, Bristol will star her own reality show. America, F*CK YEAH!

Now [Palin]  has settled on her follow-up to Dancing, a docu-series for BIO Channel, which reunites her with her Dancing co-star, actor Kyle Massey. BIO has ordered 10 half-hour episodes of the untitled series, which also will feature Massey’s brother, actor Christopher Massey. It follows single mom Bristol Palin’s move from Alaska to Los Angeles with her son, Tripp, to work at a small charity in need while living with her good friends Chris and Kyle Massey. [Deadline]

A single white mother moves in with two black guys? No thanks, I’ll wait for the porn spoof. Frankly, I liked it better when dumb young women got their own reality shows because they were attractive.

Hey, remember when we were all crazy about Bristol Palin getting so far on “Dancing with the Stars”? Heady times, indeed. According to Margaret Cho, who was the third contestant eliminated this season, Bristol was only there because her mother forced her. Cho writes:

Sarah supposedly blames Bristol harshly and openly (in the circles that I heard it from) for not winning the election, and so she told Bristol she “owed” it to her to do DWTS so that “America would fall in love with her again” and make it possible for Sarah Palin to run in 2012 with America behind her all the way. Instead of being supposedly “handicapped” by the presence of her teen mom daughter, now Bristol is going to be an “asset” – a celebrity beloved for her dancing. [via E!]

Obviously, I have no way of verifying anything in that paragraph, but I can definitely attest to its hilarity. I like the idea of a parent not getting an open job and then blaming her child. “America loved me until YOU got pregnant, slut! Now DANCE! Dance, I say!” And then she laughed maniacally while flames spurted from the ground near her feet. True story.

Jennifer Grey harnessed power from the Ghost of Swayze and was named “Dancing with the Stars” champion during the 11th season finale last night, restoring some modicum of faith in the American populace. More importantly, her victory allows me to reduce my invective towards Bristol Palin from “bilious hatred” to “fatty-induced bemusement,” which is a welcome respite for my blood pressure.

For what it’s worth, Palin came in third, while Kyle Massey (who?) finished as the runner-up. Should Grey be unable to fulfill her duties as “Dancing with the Stars” champion, Massey will ascend to the the crown and get the accompanying photo spread in Maxim. Sexy!

Anyway, I’m glad that this ended without tears or mass bloodshed, and it’s nice to see that “DWTS” is at least somewhat less rigged than “American Idol.” If there’s a lesson to be learned here, I think it’s this:

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Bristol Palin really does it all: she became a single teen mom and encouraged other girls to abstain from sex, then she clomped around on her fat hooves and failed her way up into the finals of “Dancing with the Stars” solely because her mother is one of the most divisive people in America. And she managed to do it all while becoming the first “DWTS” contestant to get fatter. Bravo.

Palin herself acknowledged that she hadn’t shed any weight while on the show. ”I haven’t really noticed a change in [my body],” she told “Access Hollywood.” “I think most people lose weight [on the show] because they’re too stressed out to eat. I haven’t had that problem!” [NYDN]

Yes, that’s certainly it, Bristol, YOU DISGUSTING IDIOTIC GARBAGE SACK OF LARD. Of all the contestants in eleven seasons of the show, every dancer has lost weight because of stress-induced anorexia — not from, say, hours and hours of dancing. Yes, finally, Bristol has shown the key to success and health on “Dancing with the Stars”: don’t practice so hard, and stuff your face with more food. She’s a champion of the American people.

Despite clomping around the stage like a horse in spandex, Bristol Palin — the only “Dancing with the Stars” contestant lazy and undisciplined enough to gain weight on the show — made the finals of “DWTS” when the talented and graceful Brandy was voted off. The injustice will be particularly bad news for Steven Cowan, the 66-year-old Wisconsin man who blasted a hole in his TV with a shotgun while watching Palin dance.

[Steven] Cowan, 66, allegedly became so enraged by Palin’s success that he actually fired a shotgun round into his television, triggering a 15-hour standoff with Wisconsin cops…

As Palin was dancing [Monday night], Cowan “jumped up and swore, saying something to the effect of, ‘The f*cking politics.’ Steven was upset that a political figure’s daughter was dancing on this particular show when Steven did not think that she was a good dancer,” the complaint notes.

He was sitting in the Dane County jail last night when Palin landed a spot in the “Dancing with the Stars” finals. However, a sheriff’s spokesperson told TSG that Cowan “currently does not have access to television.” [The Smoking Gun]

Cowan’s not alone in his feelings: the audience booed when Palin made the finals last night, and frankly I hope this sinks the entire GD franchise. Hey, you f*cking assh*les making decisions about TV: keep the politics out of my entertainment. That means f*ck your stupid Bristol Palin/The Situation abstinence PSA (video below), f*ck PBS for cutting Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin jokes, and f*ck Tina Fey for needing to tell political jokes. F*ck all your stupid politics. I don’t even like it when Nucky Thompson talks about the election on “Boardwalk Empire,” and that’s politics from 90 years ago. Everyone can just go get bent.

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