David Hasselhoff is a confused old drunk who has no business being in front of a camera, but he has a kind of kitschy charm, so he still gets TV jobs even though he was fired from “America’s Got Talent,” canceled by A&E, and booted off of “Dancing withe the Stars” before The Situation and Margaret Cho. Well, we can now add “Britain’s Got Talent” to that list of failures, because the show has let him go.

The actor is blamed for a dramatic ratings plunge… The Baywatch legend – seen as a major signing by ITV to replace Simon Cowell – often had difficulty understanding contestants’ accents.

A source said: “David was a great booking at the time. We thought he’d bring loads of laughs and warmth but it didn’t work out. He was fun but had no connection with the acts. The panel lacked sparkle and it was reflected in the acts that went through.” [The Sun]

Granted, The Sun is only slightly more reliable for facts than my imagination, but the fact remains: Hasselhoff has been dumped again. I’d guess that he’s only three or four more reality show failures away from TV executives getting the point.

It’s National Ice Cream Week, which means I finally don’t have to feel bad about the half dozen empty Ben & Jerry’s cartons littered around my couch. It also provides the occasion for Del Monte to roll out the Hoffsicle, a raspberry-flavored treat molded to look like David Hasselhoff. The former “Baywatch” and “Knight Rider” star tweeted the inset photo, and the Sun made a news story out of a press release:

[Britain's Got Talent] judge David Hasselhoff shows he’s got stardom licked – after being turned into an ice lolly.

The ex-Baywatch star – named smoothest TV star of 2011 in a poll – was honoured by ice cream company Del Monte with a Raspberry Iced Smoothie.

Ex-Knight Rider star David, 58, said: “The new Hoffsicle ice lolly rocks. Like me, it might take a licking but it keeps on ticking.” [The Sun]

First of all, he didn’t call it an “ice lolly” because that’s the gayest-sounding British term of all time. Second of all, the Hoffsicle does NOT take a licking and keep on ticking. It doesn’t tick at all. You lick it and it gets consumed. That’s kind of the whole point of popsicles.

Video below: Hasselhoff wanders around London and tries to get women to lick him.

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Yeah, I don't do Photoshop. You're lucky to get horrific MSPaint.

In literally the most important news story in the history of things happening, Cheryl Cole (judge on “Britain’s Got Talent” and really, really pretty person) has been hospitalized for days in London with malaria.  From The Daily Mail:

Cole travelled to Tanzania for a brief holiday last month, and while she is reported to have taken a full course of malaria tablets during her stay, some forms of the disease are resistant to drugs.

Mosquito bites suffered by the star seem to have led to infection.

Now you listen here, mosquitoes.  I understand this is your thing.  And I know biting people and feasting on blood is all the rage now thanks to the “Vampires in Entertainment” trend.  But you listen good – stay the eff away from pretty people.  You hear me?  It’s bad enough you mark their precious, flawless exterior with unseemly red bumps, but giving a goddess like Cheryl Cole malaria?  You’ve crossed the line.

So, I propose a compromise.  From now on, you lay off anyone above a 7.  I know I know, they’re so tempting.  But my plan still leaves you literally every single fan of Twilight.  They’re huge fans of bloodsucking.  Whoops, typo.  They’re huge AND are fans of bloodsucking.  It’s a match made in heaven.

That said, on behalf of Warming Glow, I’d like to wish Cheryl a speedy recovery.  Get well soon, hun.  Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.  You know, like give you a sponge bath or check for lumps in your breasts.  I live to serve.

In conclusion, I’d love to give her a case of My-lay-her-ia.  BOOM! *rimshot, cut to commercial break*

After the jump, one of Cheryl’s music videos from healthier times. Read the rest of this entry »

"I'LL TAKE THIS ONE!"

We’re now in week 2 of “Britain’s Got Talent” auditions, and a new favorite has emerged: Spellbound, a gymnastics troupe comprised of kids/young adults aged 12-24. To a certain extent, some of their performance (video below) isn’t that much different from what you’d see at the college cheerleading championships (not that I’ve ever been to that or gotten arrested for lewd acts in the stands). But the fact that they do their flips and tosses to Orff’s “Carmina Burana” adds a great deal of drama to the act, and even I have to admit that this is better than Chandi the dancing dog.

Also, I’d like to file an official complaint about the two jackasses whose job it is to stand backstage and mug for the cameras. I understand that crowd reaction shots are necessary for people who are to stupid to know how to react otherwise, but I don’t need these wankers to make a stupid face and say, “Did you see THAT?!?” Yeah, man. In fact, I’d still be seeing it right now if you’d shut up and get out of the way.

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This is Chandi the dancing dog, the latest and greatest act on the new season of “Britain’s Got Talent.” And by “greatest” I obviously mean “greatest of all time, never to be equaled.” The only dancing dog act that could ever top this is Mambo Dog. But then, I’m a little biased — I’ve always preferred the Latin bitches.

[BuzzFeed]