This is Chandi the dancing dog, the latest and greatest act on the new season of “Britain’s Got Talent.” And by “greatest” I obviously mean “greatest of all time, never to be equaled.” The only dancing dog act that could ever top this is Mambo Dog. But then, I’m a little biased — I’ve always preferred the Latin bitches.

[BuzzFeed]

Americans may not readily recognize the name Piers Morgan, but his face should be vaguely memorable from the “Britain’s Got Talent” clip of Susan Boyle.  Morgan is the one who isn’t Simon Cowell or the Scottish cat lady or the sexy blonde judge or the two braying jackasses making side comments.  The former tabloid editor is appearing in the ad pictured here, which promotes — this is a real thing — Burger King’s meat-scented cologne.

The billboard ad, which will run in sites around London, features the strapline: “The scent of seduction. With a hint of flame-grilled meat.” [...]

The perfume, called Flame, will be sold in Selfridges and Red5 shops for £4.99 [about $8]. Burger King claims that it is the cheapest celebrity perfume on the market. [Guardian UK]

In the category of things you might want to smell like, this is actually still a better idea than Vulva [NSFW], “the precious vaginal odour filled into a glass vial.”

Only a tiny amount of the precious liquid is applied to the back of the hand… and the irresistable smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies [...] It is a beguiling vaginal scent which is purely a substance for your own smelling pleasure.

So I guess Flame is like Vulva if burgers turn you on.  Which they do.  Thanks a lot, Padma Lakshmi.

Saturday night was the finale of “Britain’s Got Talent,” and in a shocking twist, Scottish cat-lady sensation Susan Boyle (above, reprising “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis) lost to a dance troupe called Diversity (video below).  I say “shocking” as if the clearly inferior act has never won a televised talent contest before.  Diversity has all the skill and innovation of a solid high school cheerleading squad.  They should definitely win a show called “Britain’s Got Guys Who Dance as Well as High School Girls.”

Anyway, since I’m unabashedly pro-Susan Boyle, it was saddening to hear that she was taken by ambulance to the hospital following an apparent emotional breakdown:

In response to questions about Ms. Boyle, a spokeswoman said: “Police were called to doctors assessing a woman under the Mental Health Act. The woman was taken voluntarily by ambulance to a clinic. At the request of doctors, police accompanied the ambulance.”

British newspapers reported that she had been begun to behave erratically after losing to a dance group called Diversity in the Saturday night finals of the show that had transformed her into a worldwide phenomenon. In public she had seemed gracious in defeat.

Fancast noted that Boyle, 48, “was starved of oxygen at birth leading to minor brain damage.”  Man, I had no idea.  That retard can really sing.  So get well, Susan, and record me some Broadway tunes.  The “Glee” soundtrack isn’t going to satisfy my gay music needs forever.

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A performance fartist using the pseudonym “Mr. Methane” didn’t fare well on “Britain’s Got Talent,” where his musical flatulence was too avant-garde for the Philistines in the audience and the judges’ chairs to understand.  Yes, your eyes and ears do not deceive you: this REALLY IS a 42-year-old man in a mask and cape farting into a microphone along to Strauss’s “Blue Danube Waltz.”

I can’t help but be humbled by Mr. Methane.  You see, everything I write on this blog is essentially just farting into a microphone, but I get to do it in the privacy of my own home.  Usually in my underwear.  He does it in front of a disgusted audience and handles their scorn like it’s a friendly wave.  That takes titanium balls.  Kudos to you, sir.  This fart noise is for you.

Tired of watching random performances from “Britain’s Got Talent”?  Me too.  But too bad.  YOU MUST WATCH THIS TO MAINTAIN YOUR POP CULTURE LITERACY.

So here’s 10-year-old Hollie Steel.  Look, she’s a ballerina!  And so cute!  And she sings like a rare and beautiful songbird with perfect teeth that very obviously will never go through that gawky awkward period in middle school when everyone has acne and the cool kids already know what an orgasm is.

In case it isn’t clear, I kind of hate this little girl.  She didn’t do anything wrong; I’m just still a little bitter about having her voice when I was fourteen.