Community/Parks & Recreation (NBC) – The second funniest hour on TV, behind any episode of “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” You can have your “satire,” and your “social commentary,” and your precious “plot.” I’ll take a chimp hitting a big fat guy in the ding dong with a wiffle ball bat. I’m very refined.

The Office/Whitney (NBC) – [notices these two shows across the room] [looks the other way, tries to act casual]

It’s Always Sunny/ The League (FX) – Here’s the thing about “The League”: I like the show. I do. But the football talk in it seems really forced to me. I understand that they have to make the references generic enough when they’re filming that things don’t end up stale or irrelevant when the show actually airs, but it always ends up sounding like a foreign movie where people are trying to talking about American stuff. “Did you guys see that foot ball game last evening?” “Yes, the runners scored many touch downs and the fans celebrated raucously.” “Raymond Rice of Baltimore is an excellent carrier of the of the old pig skin, to be sure.” My point is this: I am a jerk who pokes holes in perfectly nice shows and ruins them for everyone else. Hi!

Bones (FOX) – The seventh season premiere. Hey, did you guys realize that, between “Buffy,” “Angel,” and this show, David Boreanaz has been on network television almost non-stop since 1997? Think about that.

Burn Notice (USA) – USA’s flagship drama thingy is back tonight. Has he found out who or what burned him yet? I hope it was a koala in a baseball cap. I would definitely start watching if there was an evil koala.

Gabriel Iglesias Presents Stand-up Revolution (Comedy Central) – The commercials for this show look terrible. I heard one joke, which I have apparently blocked from my memory as some sort of self-preservation mechanism, that was so bad I actually groaned out loud like a cartoon. It’s a nice reminder that stand-up comedians aren’t necessary the funniest people in the world, just the ones who decided to do it for a living.

Beavis and Butthead (MTV) – Yeesh, there is a lot on TV tonight. My DVR is over in the corner doing pull-ups and listening to Slayer to get ready for the workout it’s going to get.

"Ah wish ah coult grow a beart. Durr."

NFL Football: Saints at Packers (NBC) – My cable has been going in and out all day because Eastern Pennsylvania is mostly underwater. If my viewing of this game is interrupted, Comcast will feel my wrath. (*shakes fist in general direction of Comcast’s downtown Philadelphia headquarters*)

Rookie Blue (CBS) - Fact: All police shows have been rendered inconsequential now that “Paw & Order” exists. Second fact: This one was already inconsequential.

Louie (FX) – Remember when some jamooks got all pissed because Matt mentioned he had seen screeners of a few episodes? Yeah… if I had screeners of this show, I would brag about it so much the Warming Glow readership would dwindle to just people who came by just to tell me what a putz I was. This is why I should never be in charge of anything.

Burn Notice/Suits (USA) – I covered the main points of the USA drama style guide in an Ask Me Anything post on my Tumblr, but they really, really go back to the same well a lot. Sixty percent of the network’s budget at this point must be sunglasses.

Beyond Scared Straight (A&E) – This has always bugged me, so bear with me. If you have a line that’s bent, and you bend it back “beyond straight,” isn’t it just crooked again? Which means these kids would still be criminals. Jesus, I got a C+ in geometry, and even I know that. GET YO MATH RIGHT, A&E!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Khloe Kardashian-Odom on Kimmel; Michael J. Fox on Letterman (with the cast of “Two and a Half Men” doing the Top 10); Tim Meadows on Ferguson; Will Arnett and the fetching Anna Kendrick on Leno; Tom Selleck, Cameron Crowe and Pearl Jam on Fallon (tangent: one of my buddies loves Pearl Jam so much — SO MUCH — and I get endless delight out of making fun of them in front of him. I call Eddie Vedder “Mumbles Larue.” It’s the little things in life, people); Marion Cotillard on Stewart; Charlie Day and the Foo Fighters on Conan.

Charisma Carpenter, the “Buffy” and “Angel” star who awesomely got naked in a history-making Playboy shoot back in 2004, will guest star in an upcoming episode of “Burn Notice.”

The actress will guest-star in this season’s 11th episode as Nicki, a sharp-tongued, high-maintenance trophy wife whose not-so-better half, a bioweapons engineer, is a wanted man in cahoots with the Russians. Increasingly dissatisfied with her marriage, Nicki proves to be a pawn ripe for the manipulating in Michael and Fi’s effort to get to her husband. [TV Line]

Of course, Charisma Carpenter is 40 years old now and no longer looks like the banner picture (although she still looked pretty good in The Expendables — inset). Pretty irresponsible of me to use it, I suppose. I mean, I’d be pretty pissed if I were in the news and people used photographs of me from eight years ago. Unless I was Charisma Carpenter, in which case I would demand that that photo be used for any and all news about me.

There’s a never-ending — and problematic — discussion about the “best show on television.” In my mind, the best television show is the one that’s superior to all others in terms of narrative arc, character development, writing, cinematography, acting, originality, and so on. You know: the best. However, a lot of critics seem to think the “best” means “my favorite,” which is the only possible excuse for the egregious, putrid, and moronic claims you’re about to read.

Because there are certain shows that are okay to call the best: “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad,” certainly. “Friday Night Lights” and “Parks and Recreation,” sure, those aren’t unreasonable opinions. “Community” and “Louie”? Totally defensible. Everyone, of course, is entitled to their opinion—but not if they claim that “Chuck” is better than “Justified.” There’s a line. There are certain shows — some good, some truly awful — that various critics and bloggers have deemed to be the Best Show on Television. On the following pages are ten of the worst selections, with excerpted quotes to damn them.

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Recently, DirecTV began airing episodes of “Damages” with subtitles that help explain background information viewers might not know if they missed previous episodes of the complex legal drama.

The on-screen subtitles function as a primer of sorts, appearing every few minutes to flesh out a twisty plot turn or reveal a character’s sinister motives…

“It’s a way to say to viewers, ‘It’s not too late to get involved in this show,’” said Paul Guyardo, DirecTV’s chief marketing officer. “And it might keep new viewers from throwing in the towel if they can watch episodes that give them extra background and context.” [LA Times]

As cable networks and scripted series fight harder to retain viewers, it’s likely that these expository subtitles will become widely available across all cable platforms. In a Warming Glow EXCLUSIVE, the following pages reveal how those subtitles will look for some of TV’s most popular shows.

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