Before we went and killed Osama bin Laden, I was all prepped to write up remarks about the speeches made by Barack Obama and Seth Meyers at the White Correspondents’ Dinner — AKA The Oscars for C-SPAN — this weekend (video of Obama above, Meyers below). Obama came out to a video of “I Am a Real American” and took about twice as much time as Meyers did, marking the first time in the history of everything that something felt longer than a Seth Meyers monologue. (Edit/Correction: Updated with the full video of Meyers. Meyers, like Obama, spoke for 20 minutes, which is too bad because I really liked that joke.)

P.S. I’m not sure I’m supposed to say this, but Michelle Obama is a total FLILF.

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If you told me that unattractive writers discussing their conservative essays on C-SPAN2′s “Book TV” could possibly be interesting, I would have emptied my bank account to bet against that, and then punched you in the neck for even suggesting it. But I would have been wrong, because this clip features a jilted man ranting against his (alleged) sadistic harpy of an ex-girlfriend.

Todd Seavey and Helen Rittelmeyer, who dated for two years, both contributed to Proud to Be Right, Jonah Goldberg’s collection of conservative essays. When they appeared on C-SPAN2 to discuss the book, Seavey shifted the discussion from politics to the less savory aspects of Rittelmeyer’s character, making her sound like someone who took Ayn Rand a little too seriously. This is just a sample of his diatribe:

It might come as a surprise to some of you that we dated for two years, not just because we have ideological differences, but because there are probably some people in this room who also dated Helen during those two years, given how tumultuous it got…

And, at times her gamesmanship would include even coldly saying that she was gonna play matchmaker and set up a couple and then seduce the man away to play with his mind and hurt the woman, which when you think about it is pretty creepy. Kinda disturbing. [via Gawker TV]

Unfortunately, Seavey is being less than truthful. I mean, we have EYES, Todd. One look at Helen and it’s obvious she didn’t seduce ANYONE. Because… woof. She’s like Peggy from “Mad Men” with Down Syndrome. She couldn’t seduce a starving cur with an economy tub of extra chunky Jif.

UPDATE: Now with non-crappy video player!

I’m a couple days late posting this, but it’s still worth a couple of your minutes. It’s Stephen Colbert’s testimony on Friday to the House Judiciary Committee’s Subcommittee on Immigration, Citizenship, Refugees, Border Security, International Law, and Pancakes. Wait, not pancakes. Everything before that was right, though.

Anyway, it’s pretty cool to see Stephen Colbert stay in character in the humorless vacuum of Congress. The video is five minutes of Colbert jokes like this:

When you’re picking beans you have to spend all day bending over. It turns out — and I did not know this — most soil is at ground level.

And there’s not even a stifled chuckle. The people in the background barely offer a smile.

I forget sometimes that there are some Serious People out there that are too busy with their Important Serious Jobs to allow waste time with trite feelings like “mirth.” They can’t waste energy smiling when there’s important red tape to make! In a possibly related story, here’s a photo of this blog’s author taken during combat training:

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Jay Leno was the keynote speaker responsible for roasting Barack Obama at Saturday night’s White House Correspondents Dinner, but Leno always sucks, so here’s video of the president’s time at the podium. Without turning this into a political discussion, Obama killed it in the realm of comedy, with some barbs pointed at Leno (they start at the 2:45 mark above):

I am glad to that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight. Great to see you, Jay… I’m also glad that I’m speaking first, because we’ve all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno’s.

Ooh, that’s a burn. Basically, Obama was more likable and told funnier jokes with better comic timing. I guess if NBC has their say, Leno will be the next president.

At Friday night’s Radio & Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner, author/actor/humorist John Hodgman delivered the keynote speech at what he dubbed “Nerd Prom,” and used the forum to test whether Barack Obama — seated to his right — was really the “first nerd president.” The whole speech is excellent and chock-full of nerdy references, but the highlight comes four minutes into part 2 (video below), when Hodgman’s excitement about the sci-fi classic Dune reaches a fever pitch.

By the way, I’m hoping that this speech raises Hodgman to level of fame where people no longer have to refer to him as “the PC guy.”  He’s written two hilarious books and is a regular contributor to “The Daily Show” — please, let’s stop associating someone smart and funny with Justin Long.  That guy needs to get attacked by wild dogs wielding two-by-fours.

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