Downton Abbey (PBS) – Did you know that the whole first season of this show is available for free on PBS’s website until the 17th? You didn’t? And you, like me, have really been meaning to get caught up on it because all those stupid smart people keep saying how good it is? Sounds like we’ve got a busy weekend.

Golden Globe Awards (NBC, Sunday) – HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD THAT RICKY GERVAIS IS EDGY AND DOESN’T PULL PUNCHES? I KNOW! SO ZANY. (More importantly, did you know that we’re live-blogging the show over at the Uproxx mothership? I’m gonna get drunk and call Fassbender a wanker. He knows what he did.)

Fringe (FOX, Friday) – What it do, nerds?

Miss America Pageant (ABC, Saturday) – Whatever happened to that one beauty pageant girl who loved to party? You know, the blonde one. I liked her.

Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday) – Hosted by Daniel Radcliffe, with musical guest Lana Del Rey. I have never seen nor heard anything either of those people have been involved in. I’m okay with that.

Hell on Wheels (AMC, Sunday) – Season finale. I couldn’t really get into this show because one of my history teachers spoiled it for me back in high school when she taught us that the railroad eventually got completed. Same lady ruined Titanic for me. What a bitch.

Napoleon Dynamite (FOX, Sunday) – Series premiere. Kinda weird how every single person from the movie was available to do this cartoon eight years later. It’s almost like the movie was an overrated piece of junk and their careers never took off the way everyone thought they would. Huh.

Shameless/House of Lies/Californication (Showtime, Sunday) – I just finished my “Californication” spec script. Lemme know what you guys think: DAVID DUCHOVNY: Hey, I’m kind of a tool. PRETTY GIRL: [removes shirt]. (repeat until credits)

There’s entirely too much new TV this weekend to squeeze into this post. Feel free to add anything I didn’t include in the comments.

Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday) – Charles Barkley hosts. I love Charles. I do. But the reason I love him is his unfiltered, off-the-cuff observations about things, not necessarily his ability memorize lines and perform live sketch comedy. Fingers crossed. (Preview after the jump.)

Shameless/House of Lies/Californication (Showtime, Sunday) – Season premieres for “Shameless” and “Californication,” and series premiere for “House of Lies.” I, for one, admire their commitment to quality programming and gratuitous nudity.

The Firm (NBC, Sunday) – The premiere of the series based on the John Grisham book and Tom Cruise movie. Let me get this on the record: if any shady Southern law firm wants to offer me a wheelbarrow full of cash to work for them, I am ALL EARS. Seriously. I won’t ask any questions as long as the checks clear.

Merlin (Syfy, Sunday) – Season 4 premiere. I had no idea this show existed until about five minutes ago. Hi, I’m a TV blogger!

Downton Abbey (PBS, Sunday) – Season 2 premiere. I have Season 1 on my DVR, and I want to get through it before Sunday night. It is also the first weekend of the NFL playoffs. There is a 0% chance I am successful. Such is life.

The Simpsons (FOX, Sunday) – Homer gets a political radio show and endorses Ted Nugent for president. TYPICAL LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD ELITE LOOKING DOWN ON THE COMMON FOLKS FROM THEIR IVORY TOWE… what now? Ted Nugent. Oh. Nevermind.

Hell on Wheels (AMC, Sunday) – “Hell on Wheels” would be a good name for a satanic roller derby team. Think it over, devil worshipers.

Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-off (Food Network, Sunday) – I covered this yesterday, but you should also read Max Silvestri’s hilarious write-up on it at Grantland. I’m beginning to fear I might start watching this show. I don’t have to explain myself to you people.

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Earlier this week, Matt wrote about how the Mormon-owned KSL-TV NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City will refuse to air “Playboy Club” when it premieres in the fall. It’s either because they really hated Amber Heard in Drive Angry or, more likely, they believe they’re too pure to be associated with the Playboy brand.

But this isn’t the first time a religious group has gotten righteous and holier-than-thou over a TV show, and it certainly won’t be the last. Click through for ten other examples of TV versus religion. WHO’S YOUR MESSIAH NOW?

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Californication/Episodes/Shameless (Showtime, Sunday) – All these shows are supposedly pretty good. “Californation” and “Shameless” bring steady amounts of nudity. Example: Emmy Rossum (who I’ve already confessed my love to on this blog) in this NSFW scene. I will, er uh, conduct a, er, fact-finding mission to see if these two statements are related.

Spartacus: Gods of the Arena (Starz, Friday) – More nudity! This one maybe with ding dongs!

Fringe (FOX, Friday) – Commenter Patty Boots goes on and on about this show. Here you go, Patty.

Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool (Comedy Central, Saturday) – I’ve copped to being a comedy nerd a lot, and this is one special I’m really looking forward to. You may recognize Kroll as Ruxin on “The League,” but he also brings serious chops in the form of character work as well. (A.V. Club interview with Kroll here)

SAG Awards (TBS, Sunday) – Smug, self-important actors giving awards to themselves is the most masturbatory exercise ever. And I’m including masturbation.

Tailgate Warriors (Food Network, Saturday) – I only point this out to mention that host Guy Fieri’s is patient zero of douche. As I tweeted earlier, he’s so surreally douchey he might as well have a wristband for a face.

The Lost Valentine (ABC, Sunday) – A made-for-TV movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Betty White. From TV Guide: “a dogged TV reporter finds her own love life changed when she profiles a World War II widow who continues to honor the memory of her navy pilot husband 65 years after he was declared missing in action.” Look, I’ll defend Jennifer Love Hewitt til I die, but… guh. More hooker movies.

Hooker GIF after the jump

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I like the part with the boobs. In anticipation of the upcoming season of “Californication,” someone leaked a sex scene between David Duchovny and a hot, topless chick.  See this FX?  THIS is how you market a show!  (*pours one out for “Terriers,” listens to “Gunfight Epiphany“*) [Egotastic]

Also, see above.  About the boobs. Seven scenes from “The Walking Dead” that should have been in the show. [io9]

Hmm, he seems like a nice guy. Happy Christmas, from Al Swearingen of “Deadwood.” [suicideblonde]

Her name is Vanderpump?  Seriously? Lisa Vanderpump of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” was verbally attacked outside an L.A. restaurant.  In a related story, “Vanderpump” sounds like some sort of sex aide.  Maybe a competitor of Elektro Bonerz produced by noted Amsterdam sex club Vandersexxx. [TV Guide]

Zack Morris eating a penis cookie? Zack Morris eating eating a penis cookie. [Buzzfeed]

More links after the jump.  Probably a GIF or two also, if I know me like I think I do.

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