Alcatraz (Fox) – I watched the premiere over the weekend, and I thought it was perfectly fine. A procedural with sci-fi elements, intriguing enough to watch a few more episodes. Needs more Hurley, though, and I have to remember that “Fringe” started slowly, too. If Sam Neill wants to bring one of his dinosaurs friends from Jurassic Park, that’s cool. BUT NO ONE FROM JURASSIC PARK III.

Castle (ABC) – The name of tonight’s episode is “An Embarrassment of Bitches.” That is the greatest bitch pun of all-time, taking over the spot previously held by “Revenge Is a Bitch Best Served Cold” from “Bad Girls Club.”

Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern (Travel Channel) – Season premiere. Wikipedia has very detailed episode descriptions for this show, in case you ever need to know the exact food Zimmern (whose last name I really want to be Zimmerman) ate on September 23, 2008. (Hint: it’s pickled mackerel.)

Hart of Dixie (CW) – I want every episode of this show to end with Rachel Bilson wearing hot pants and yelling to a crowd, “Who likes short shorts?” Then everyone responds, “We like short shorts.”

Hoarders (A&E) – You go over to a guy or girl’s house for the first time after you two have been hooking up at your place for a week. To pass the time while they’re freshening up, you put on the TV and look through what they’ve DVR’d. What show would the DVR have to be filled with for you to decide continuing a relationship with this person isn’t worth it? My answer: “Hoarders.” Hoarding “Hoarders” is just too meta for my taste.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Everything’s old, except for Kimmel, with Kiefer Sutherland and Bear Grylls; Conan, with Casey Anderson, Morena Baccarin, and Wilco; Stewart, with Kathleen Sebelius; and Colbert, with Bruce Bueno de Mesquita.

The Bachelor (ABC) – My “Recently Viewed” on IMDb includes “The Bachelor,” “Toddlers & Tiaras,” Gary Busey, Tarzan the Ape Man, and Jake Lloyd, of The Phantom Menace “fame.” Honestly, “The Bachelor” is the one I feel the most shameful about. (Banner pic courtesy of Forever Alone.)

Castle (ABC) – Do you ever feel guilty about not watching a show, even though an actor or actress you love from another role is the star of it? That’s how I am with “Castle,” which I’ve never seen an entire episode of, because Mal Reynolds, from “Firefly,” is one of my favorite TV characters. Tonight…won’t be the night I tune in, though. Blazing Saddles is on.

BCS Championship Game: Alabama vs. LSU (ESPN) – After tonight, we can stop pretending to care about college football and solely focus our attention on the only pigskin that matters: ARENA FOOTBALL. Are you as excited about the March 9th season-opening clash between the Pittsburgh Power (featuring Ike Taylor, probably) and Orlando Predators as I am? RIP Albany Firebirds.

Mobster Confessions (Discovery) – The episode description reads, “A New York street thug becomes entranced by the power of the Gambino crime family, until they turn on him.” Just once, I want that sentence to end with, “…until they turn on him, to give him some puppies and candy.”

Caged (MTV) – Props to Clinton from Badtvblog for the pic after the jump. “Caged,” a reality show about a bunch of Louisiana kids fighting in, well, cages, could really use an appearance from Castor Troy himself. Or at the very least, the show’s dialogue should be nothing but quotes from Nicholas Cage movies. “PUNCHING ME WON’T BRING BACK YOUR GODDAMN HONEY.”

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Mark Wahlberg, Heather Morris, and Snow Patrol on Letterman; Janet Jackson (washed up musician – check), Larry the Cable Guy (terrible comedian – check), and Eli Young Band (awful band –check, and mate) on Leno; C-Tates, Ben Flajnik, and Uh Huh Her (that sounds like the worst thing ever) on Kimmel; Howie Mandel and Randy Houser on Ferguson; Mark Wahlberg (again…), Napoleon Dynamite (the cast, I think?), and Surfer Blood on Fallon; David Cross, Seth Green, and Gavin DeGraw on Conan; George Lucas on Stewart; and Melissa Harris-Perry on Colbert.

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On an otherwise slow news day, news arrives that ABC has ordered an additional episode of “Castle” this season, bringing its total to 23. This is fantastic news if you’re a fan of Captain Tightpants and Stana Katic. I am a fan of both, though I’m not so much a fan of “Castle” anymore. The ratings for the show have been steadily building over the last three and a half seasons, but as shows are wont to do, the more popular it becomes, the more formulaic. In fact, I wrote a piece last year before I bailed on the show, about how “Castle” featured virtually the exact same six scenes at the beginning of each episode. Yes, there’s a different victim, but each episode’s initial set up is virtually the identical; it got to the point where I would watch the first five minutes, predict the killer, and then fast forward to the last five minutes to see if I was right. Eighty-percent of the time it’s the assistant, or the equivalent thereof. But it’s easy watching, perfectly decent background television while you’re surfing the Internet. It’s also a perfect gateway to the intoxicating drug that is Stana Katic. Could she fill the Alison Brie GIF void during the “Community” hiatus?

Let’s examine:

Nice! Alluring yet playful, and those legs travel all the way to China. But it’s just not the same. After this, it just feels so meaningless and empty.

Castle (ABC) — Castle (Nathan Fillion) and Becket (Stana Katic) try to solve the murder of a prominent “ghost hunter” (thanks for that, Syfy) who gets killed in a famous haunted house. Whenever I think of murderous ghosts, I remember 13 Ghosts. The 2001 remake, not the original. Shannon Elizabeth was like a Jennifer Love Hewitt who was cool enough to show her boobs.

Two and a Half Men (CBS) — “True Blood’s” Joe Mangianello guest stars as Bridget’s (Judy Greer) new boyfriend; Jane Lynch is back in her old role as Charlie’s therapist.

Hoarders (A&E) — Season premiere. Mary has a bunch of Victorian-era junk, and Kevin just hoards regular junk. It’s nothing specific, but his apartment is filled with so much crap that “he has to enter by climbing a ladder and crawling in through the window.” (Yahoo)

Bored to Death (HBO) — John Hodgman makes an appearance as Jonathan’s (Jason Schwartzman’s) nemesis Louis Green. And just like the Mac ads, Hodgman’s character is more likable than the intended protagonist.

Monday Night Football (ESPN) — Woof, Ravens at Jaguars. As usual, we’ll have a live-blog at KSK, but I actually wouldn’t blame you if you watched the pivotal World Series Game 5 (on Fox). Just do yourself a favor and mute it.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Salma Hayek on Letterman; Jonah Hill and Paula Deen on Leno; Zach Galifianakis on Kimmel; Bryan Cranston on Ferguson; Naomi Watts on Fallon (musical guest: Beirut); and Chris Colfer and Charlene Yi on Conan. Not too often that Conan has the least interesting guests.

“Castle” has a new promotional photo for its upcoming Season 4, and as you can see, it’s all washed out and noir-y. Castle (Nathan Fillion) still has a granite jaw, Beckett (Stana Katic) is glammed up, and we also get our first look at newcast members Penny Johnson Jerald (third from right) and Lobster Dog (left foreground). It’s a cool photo, but for my money the better noir promo was the pulp cover for “Bones.” (As former Joss Whedon heroes go, though, David Boreanaz isn’t fit to hold Nathan Fillion’s jock.)

On the following pages, I’ve got the full-size cast photo minus my Photoshopping, plus new cast photos of Fillion, Katic, and Molly Quinn (far right) that aren’t noir-themed. Why so many of Molly Quinn? Because she’s a young redhead wearing stockings and a short skirt, and I’m only human. Whatever, you can’t judge me. Only God and Oprah can do that.

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