CBS, which is the top-rated network among all viewers for the reasons that I explained yesterday, is introducing only four new shows to their geriatric slate of procedurals: One bad comedy, and one iffy drama, and two bad procedurals, one of which makes me want to strangle kittens.
Here are previews of all four, from bad to really bad. WARNING: The last one may make your blood boil.
FACT: The average age of a CBS viewer if 55 years old, and that even takes into account the younger age of “Big Bang Theory” and “2 Broke Girls” viewers, so if you take those two sitcoms out of the equation, the average age of a CBS viewer is probably pushing 60. You know why CBS does so well in the Nielsen ratings? Because 60 year olds watch television in the traditional ways that are measured by Nielsen. In a way, CBS is gaming the system, developing shows not for a smart, affluent, and technologically capable audience, but to an audience that can be measured. When the metrics change — and they eventually will — I think the same schedule on CBS will make them a fourth place network instead of a first place network in overall viewers. CBS is the print media of television, and soon their entire audience will die out or switch to the Internet.
The new schedule is out. There’s a little movement, and very little change on their fall slate. The ONLY show that has any buzz behind it is “Elementary,” the Sherlock Holmes’ series that has Lucy Liu playing Watson to Jonny Lee Miller’s Sherlock. And ALL that buzz is negative because PBS’s “Sherlock Holmes” is the only modern update we need. CBS also moved its highly-rated “Two and Half Men” to Thursdays, pairing it with its highly-rated “Big Bang Theory,” in order to get a stranglehold on that hour. Meanwhile, “The Mentalist” moves to Sunday nights to make room for “Elementary” at 10 EST on Thursdays. That’s THE big move up CBS’s sleeve. They know, of course, that their doddering viewership can’t keep up with too many moves, so they play it safe, predictable, boring.
Here’s their tedious little schedule. Enjoy, Old America.
It’s the end of an era, people.
After 10 seasons and hundreds upon hundreds of cheesy one-liners, CBS has pulled the plug on “CSI: Miami.” I guess you could say … [sunglasses] … it was the cookie-cutterest police procedural ever and its ratings had started to sag so there was really no point in bringing it back. YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (I am not very good at this.)
Any David Caruso fan wanting to bid farewell to Lt. Horatio Caine will have to rely on sweet memories only: The canceled show already aired its last episode for this season on April 8 and will not resume production just to shoot a special series finale.
On Sunday — almost three months after CSI: Miami wrapped production in Los Angeles– CBS announced that the procedural will not return in the fall. [EW]
How does one eulogize a show like “CSI: Miami”? With a dramatic musical sendoff? No, that doesn’t seem appropriate for a show I watched all of five or six times. Maybe with a huge collection of the dramatic one-liners David Caruso delivered right before the theme song? Hmm, not bad, but that’s been done. Maybe I should post that video some hero made of Justin Bieber getting riddled with bullets during his appearance on the show set to the “Mmmm Whatcha Say” song from when Marissa shot Trey on “The O.C.” (spoiler alert)? Definitely getting closer, but still not quite right.
No, I think I’ll just post the most “CSI: Miami” scene of all time. Beyond being an excuse to blow sh-t up on the beach, it works as a metaphor for the show’s entire run: the speeding SUV is the show itself, recklessly racing along with no regard for logic or nuance; the bomb represents growing apathy amongst the audience, slowly ticking down towards destruction; and David Caruso represents … uh, David Caruso, I guess. It works on so many levels.
Hey, here are some sentences that will ruin your day:
Word is that the trio are returning at their current salaries, with all three getting signing bonuses. [Ashton] Kutcher is believed to be earning about $700,000 per episode, [Jon] Cryer a bit less and [Angus T.] Jones $300,000 an episode. Jones’ bonus at the last contract re-upping was $500,000. [Deadline]
Just to be clear, I don’t begrudge any of these dudes or half-dudes their salaries. Lots of people watch the show, so advertisers pay more to air their commercials during the breaks. Fine. And, to be honest, I’d rather have the money go into the pockets of the actors and producers than into some giant glass-walled vault in Viacom’s headquarters that high-ranking executives can gaze into while jacking it in velvet-lined private booths*. But I will say that — assuming the upcoming 10th season will have 24 episodes — the fact that the public faces of this trash heap will earn between $7 million and $17 million next year, plus bonuses, is somewhat disquieting. I hope some kid steals all their Lamborghinis.
*This is how business works, yes?
Renewal season is right around the corner. By the end of April through the first of May, final decisions will be made on the fate of most network televisions shows. It’s a nervous, jittery time, but it really shouldn’t be. Not anymore. For all the hand-wringing we do about cancelation fears, the reality is: Good shows that have been around for at least a season are rarely canceled anymore. Networks are no longer in the driver’s seat. New shows are increasingly difficult to launch. How many new big hits were there in the 2011-2012 season? Zero. How many moderately-sized hits were there? Four: “New Girl,” “Once Upon a Time,” “Revenge” and — so far — “Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23.” With the increased competition from cable, it’s harder and harder to land a new show, so the networks tend to stick with what they know, even if it’s low-rated. This explains five seasons of “Chuck” and four seasons of “Fringe,” and the yearly renewal of “Community” and “Parks and Rec” despite anemic ratings. You know they’re doing gangbusters on the back-end with those shows on DVD and online licensing, though. They just have to be.
Ultimately, I wouldn’t worry too much about losing a favorite show, except for one:
ABC
On ABC, the only major bummer is the likely cancelation of “Cougar Town.” In an ideal world, it could be paired with “Happy Endings” and “Apt. 23″ in perhaps the best comedy block on network television. That’s still a possibility, and Tuesday nights would be ideal, though it woud leave the higher-rated “Last Man Standing” without a suitable pairing. More likely, only two of the three will be renewed, and “Apt. 23″ and “Happy Endings” have the better ratings. The one leg “Cougar Town” has up on the other two is two more seasons, which makes it closer to syndication money. The strike against it, however, is that Bill Lawrence is off working on a new show for another network.
Meanwhile, it’s not official yet, but “Modern Family,” “Suburgatory,” and “The Middle” will all be renewed as well, and “The Middle” may be better paired with “Last Man Standing” next season. If anyone is interested, “The Missing” will probably be canceled, however.
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