In news many on the Internet are calling “OMGZOMG YOU GUYS EPIC LOL,” CBS has ordered a pilot from Louis C.K. and former “Seinfeld” and “Space Ghost” writer Spike Ferensten. Deadline has the details:

CBS’s has greenlighted to pilot an untitled multi-camera comedy written by Louis CK and Spike Feresten, about an ensemble of young people trying to achieve their creative dreams in these tough financial times. The pickup caps a remarkable comeback for the project 13 years ago after it was first written. At the time, Louie was a standup comedian and Feresten was a writer on Seinfeld.

CBS gets a lot of crap for their formulaic, laugh track heavy “Hey look some schlub married a pretty lady and/or let’s just list some stereotypes for a while” half-hour comedies, but given what we know about Louis C.K., I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume this show will escape that mold. Between his deal with FX granting him full control over “Louie,” and his middle-man free distribution model for his latest stand-up special, he’s clearly someone who values autonomy and a quality product more than he does just cashing checks. I fully support the proliferation of entertainment created by him, regardless of the network it airs on. He’s earned the benefit of the doubt in that regard.

With that in mind, if CBS screws this up, I will scream.

I have no idea who any of these people are.

We’re back to a regular schedule tomorrow. Hopefully there will finally be some TV news, or else I might have to resort to paying some of you to TP the Kardashian’s house just so I have something to write about.

WWE Monday Night Raw (USA) – I’m not usually that into the whole fake wrestling thing, but this gets lead billing tonight for two reasons: 1) Our Uproxx compadres at With Leather are running an open discussion thread for tonight’s episode, so if you’re watching, you should head over there to check it out, and; 2) As that link explains, Dennis Haskins (Mr. Belding from “Saved by the Bell”) has expressed an interest in being Raw’s General Manager, and that is VERY relevant to my interests. After all, someone needs to figure out what is going on there.

The Bachelor (ABC) — Season premiere. The new Bachelor, Ben Flajnik, went to the University of Arizona, owns a winery, dated Jennifer Love Hewitt, sings in a tribute band, and is nicknamed “Storm Horse.” He is, quite possibly, the world’s biggest douche.

How I Met Your Mother/2 Broke Girls/Mike & Molly/Two and a Half Men/Hawaii Five-0 (CBS) – CBS’s whole Monday night lineup is back. With the exception of HIMYM, I can’t think of anything I’d rather watch less.

Who’s Still Standing/Fear Factor (NBC) – I stand corrected.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo) – From TV Guide: “Taylor grapples with marital hardship as the other ladies fly to Hawaii for a sun-and-fun getaway. But there’s a nasty Hawaiian punch when Kim misses her flight. Worse, she misses her second flight as well.” This is a television show. A rich woman missing her flight, twice. Think hard about that.

Pawn Stars (History) – Through a series of events I do not understand and therefore am completely incapable of explaining, this has become one of the shows I watch on a regular basis. I never knew I had so many strongly held beliefs about how much one should pay for suits of armor and possibly fake historical documents, but I do. OH, I DO.

The Layover (Travel) – As far as I can tell, this show — where Anthony Bourdain goes to all the bars and restaurants in a city he can during a 24-hour layover — is about a very wealthy man who has very large bowel movements on airplanes.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Everyone is in reruns except Ferguson, and his lead guest is Tim Meadows. Get some sleep.

To honor the 70th anniversary of the attacks on Pearl Harbor, a group of 24 World War II veterans associated with a Denver-based group called The Greatest Generation Foundation went to Hawaii recently to pay their respects. Unfortunately, the ceremony they tried to hold at the National Memorial Cemetery of the Pacific was repeatedly interrupted by a crew filming CBS’s updated version of “Hawaii Five-0.” The crew apparently traipsed around the cemetery, did not pay their respects when “The Star-Spangled Banner” was played, and at one point even shushed the group of veterans. So, the group did what millions of intelligent TV viewers have wanted to do for years, and gave CBS the finger.

The obscene gesture was delivered in unison from a bus as they were leaving, and left them all in stitches of laughter.

Mr Tubbs said: ‘This was immature of me, but I said, “Gentlemen, if you so choose, how about we give them one big one-fingered military salute?”’

The last thing the production crew saw, he said, was a bunch of 90-year-old men flipping the bird at them. ‘It was one of the priceless moments of my life.’ [Daily Mail]

Dear Lord, that is fantastic. I hope they swing by the set of “Two and a Half Men” next.

In what I can only assume is some sort of dastardly, short-selling, funny money scheme to jump start withered libidos, make Viagra unnecessary, and send the entire pharmaceutical industry into a tailspin, “CSI: Miami” is bringing on legendary sex symbols Raquel Welch and Bo Derek for guest spots in the next few weeks. When reached for comment on this news, my grandfather said “Hello? WHAT? Hold on. I can’t hear you. Lemme get the thing. [sound of rustling papers and Rush Limbaugh's voice in the background] Okay. What? Hello?” So, since he wasn’t very helpful, I’ll just blockquote TV Line instead.

TVLine has learned exclusively that the actress and 1960s/70s sex symbol will guest-star on CBS’ Sunday night crime drama as the matriarch of the very powerful Miami family from which Carlos Bernard’s character and thus his son Esteban (Kuno Becker) aka “The Miami Taunter” hail.

Welch’s episode is set to air in early 2012, following a guest appearance by another iconic bombshell, 10‘s Bo Derek (playing the owner of a horse stable, as EW.com reported).

While I’m clearly having some fun with the situation here, there’s no getting around the fact that Raquel Welch and Bo Derek were two of the most attractive women to grace the planet in their primes. And it’s certainly nice to see older actresses getting work, even if it is just a guest spot on a formulaic crime procedural. I can only hope this trend continues, and that thirty years from now I am titillated by the news that Tiffani Thiessen will have a five episode arc as an elderly neighbor in a gritty, urban reimagining of “Glee.”

After the jump, an incredibly weird video I just found of Raquel Welch dancing in some sort of bikini spacesuit.

“The ratings are in! The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show leads among sleazy dudes with no internet connection.” That’s a quote from Rick Muscles’s Twitter feed last night, but it’s actually true: more people watched the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show than any other program last night.

Victoria’s Secret was seen by 10.3 million viewers and scored a whopping 4.6 rating among adults 18-49 at 10 p.m. That’s the special’s largest audience since 2002 and its biggest demo rating during its nine-year history — leaping 35 percent from last year. [EW]

Am I the only person who doesn’t think this is as sexy as it should be? Don’t get me wrong, the models are gorgeous; I’d happily push my fiancée out of a 12th-story window for a three-way with Adriana Lima and Alessandra Ambrosio. But if I’m going to go through the hassle of murder charges for an epic night of chocolate sauce and orgasms, I’d rather the girls not be wearing giant moth wings, you know? The excess detracts from the beauty. Just put the models in simple, classy lingerie like crotchless panties.

Video from the fashion show below, a wealth of photos here.

If you’re reading this blog, you almost certainly know about Pedobear, the cartoon meme that pokes fun at sexual predators and appears every time I think about Chloe Moretz. But the news team at KRQE, Albuquerque’s CBS affiliate, isn’t taking the joke lightly. In this unbelievably serious report, the news team investigates how ACTUAL PEDOPHILES are using Pedobear to lure children into their grasp.

Nobody offers any proof of this, of course, but there are are at least TWO cars in New Mexico that have Pedobear stickers! And while “it’s not illegal to display a Pedobear sticker” (actual quote), you should be on the lookout because this is a very clear and present danger, and most certainly not ham-fisted fear-mongering. I mean, it just makes sense that pedophiles would advertise that they’re pedophiles. It’s like how nobody expects the guy in the old hockey mask to be an ACTUAL homicidal maniac. Hidden in plain sight. Brilliant.

Bonus points to the film editor who added this:

[via ScreenJunkies]

One day after NBC owned headlines thanks to Bob Costas’s exclusive, painful-to-watch interview with accused child rapist Jerry Sandusky, CBS had its own exclusive “get” with Mike McQueary, the Penn State assistant coach who, according to a grand jury, witnessed Sandusky having his way with a boy in the shower in 2002 and reported it to head coach Joe Paterno. CBS sent top sideline reporter Armen Keteyianto to interview McQueary, who gleaned every possible tidbit from him in an efficient, workmanlike 24 seconds. The transcript in entirety:

Keteyian: When do you think you’ll be ready to talk?
McQueary: The whole process has to play out. I just don’t have anything else to say.
Keteyian: Describe your emotions right now.
McQueary: All over the place, just kind of shaken.
Keteyian: Crazy?
McQueary: Crazy.
Keteyian: You said like what, Mike?
McQueary: Like a snow globe.
Keteyian: Like a snow globe?
McQueary: Yes sir.

BOOM! Nailed it. Go ahead and blow the smoke off your finger guns, AK, then sit back and wait for that Pulitzer to arrive in the mail. You earned it today.

CBS released its midseason schedule today, and I’m not going to pretend to give a crap about the minor tweaks to the newest batch of imitation comedy gruel. The only real news is that Rob Schneider’s previously untitled new show about living with Mexican in-laws is going to be named “¡Rob!”

*kisses fingertips* That’s perfect. So succinct. The inverted exclamation mark lets you know Latin excitement is on the way, the “Rob” part lets you know that it’s about Rob, and the final exclamation point is universal symbol of a quality television show. This kind of wonderful television news is precisely what I needed to lift my spirits after the disappointing “Community” news.

Even though “¡Rob!” is unquestionably the most perfect name for a show ever, I came up with ten other titles that could have worked just as well:

1. “¡Viva El Rob!”

2. “Border Disputes”

3. “Two and a Half Mang”

4. “¡Ay Chihuahua!”

5. “Papi Seeds”

6. “Dos Bigalow”

7. “Mi Familia”

8. “So I Married an Immigrant”

9. “Gracias, Señor Sandler”

10. “Two *chihuahua barks* and a *bike horn*“

Because teenagers are stupid and annoying, I sometimes forget about the often difficult quest of getting wasted when you’re underage. I take for granted that I can walk into any liquor store and just buy a handle of Evan Williams whenever I want, or leave work to go to a bar and drink a beer.

That’s what makes this local news report from CBS affiliate KPHO in Phoenix the most hilarious thing I’ve seen all day. Apparently teenagers are soaking tampons in vodka and then inserting them vaginally (or rectally) to get drunk. Others are bonging beers rectally so their parents can’t smell it on their breath. Ah, the ol’ beer enema. “Lie back and think of England!”

Oh, also it destroys your vaginal wall and could give you alcohol poisoning. But worrying about your health is for old people. Party on, dudes! *jams whiskey bottle up ass, does hand stand*

UPDATE: As commenter Parduno points out, vodka tampons were a joke on “30 Rock.” Peep the video:

[News report via BuzzFeed]

Crotchety rambler Andy Rooney has passed away, just one month after his final “60 Minutes” appearance and slightly more than a week after suffering complications from minor surgery. In honor of his passing, I’ll be just as respectful about his death as he was about Kurt Cobain’s.

Rooney was an unremarkable, cranky bore whose bitching about simple annoyances struck a nerve with other aging white people who were frightened by or opposed to change. His view of America was essentially a collection of Rockwell paintings, and he complained about any facet of life that strayed from that impossible vision. When technological developments improved commerce or people’s lives, Rooney only saw the inconvenience of learning something new. In every TV appearance of his that I saw, he came off to me as intellectually incurious, and he happily took a paycheck from CBS for 60 years while brushing away the fans who sent him letters or tried to approach him in public. I don’t understand why people who didn’t know him should stop and mourn a man who never cared for people he didn’t know.

Rest in peace, Andy Rooney. The world has moved on.