If you’re reading this blog, you almost certainly know about Pedobear, the cartoon meme that pokes fun at sexual predators and appears every time I think about Chloe Moretz. But the news team at KRQE, Albuquerque’s CBS affiliate, isn’t taking the joke lightly. In this unbelievably serious report, the news team investigates how ACTUAL PEDOPHILES are using Pedobear to lure children into their grasp.

Nobody offers any proof of this, of course, but there are are at least TWO cars in New Mexico that have Pedobear stickers! And while “it’s not illegal to display a Pedobear sticker” (actual quote), you should be on the lookout because this is a very clear and present danger, and most certainly not ham-fisted fear-mongering. I mean, it just makes sense that pedophiles would advertise that they’re pedophiles. It’s like how nobody expects the guy in the old hockey mask to be an ACTUAL homicidal maniac. Hidden in plain sight. Brilliant.

Bonus points to the film editor who added this:

[via ScreenJunkies]

One day after NBC owned headlines thanks to Bob Costas’s exclusive, painful-to-watch interview with accused child rapist Jerry Sandusky, CBS had its own exclusive “get” with Mike McQueary, the Penn State assistant coach who, according to a grand jury, witnessed Sandusky having his way with a boy in the shower in 2002 and reported it to head coach Joe Paterno. CBS sent top sideline reporter Armen Keteyianto to interview McQueary, who gleaned every possible tidbit from him in an efficient, workmanlike 24 seconds. The transcript in entirety:

Keteyian: When do you think you’ll be ready to talk?
McQueary: The whole process has to play out. I just don’t have anything else to say.
Keteyian: Describe your emotions right now.
McQueary: All over the place, just kind of shaken.
Keteyian: Crazy?
McQueary: Crazy.
Keteyian: You said like what, Mike?
McQueary: Like a snow globe.
Keteyian: Like a snow globe?
McQueary: Yes sir.

BOOM! Nailed it. Go ahead and blow the smoke off your finger guns, AK, then sit back and wait for that Pulitzer to arrive in the mail. You earned it today.

CBS released its midseason schedule today, and I’m not going to pretend to give a crap about the minor tweaks to the newest batch of imitation comedy gruel. The only real news is that Rob Schneider’s previously untitled new show about living with Mexican in-laws is going to be named “¡Rob!”

*kisses fingertips* That’s perfect. So succinct. The inverted exclamation mark lets you know Latin excitement is on the way, the “Rob” part lets you know that it’s about Rob, and the final exclamation point is universal symbol of a quality television show. This kind of wonderful television news is precisely what I needed to lift my spirits after the disappointing “Community” news.

Even though “¡Rob!” is unquestionably the most perfect name for a show ever, I came up with ten other titles that could have worked just as well:

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Because teenagers are stupid and annoying, I sometimes forget about the often difficult quest of getting wasted when you’re underage. I take for granted that I can walk into any liquor store and just buy a handle of Evan Williams whenever I want, or leave work to go to a bar and drink a beer.

That’s what makes this local news report from CBS affiliate KPHO in Phoenix the most hilarious thing I’ve seen all day. Apparently teenagers are soaking tampons in vodka and then inserting them vaginally (or rectally) to get drunk. Others are bonging beers rectally so their parents can’t smell it on their breath. Ah, the ol’ beer enema. “Lie back and think of England!”

Oh, also it destroys your vaginal wall and could give you alcohol poisoning. But worrying about your health is for old people. Party on, dudes! *jams whiskey bottle up ass, does hand stand*

UPDATE: As commenter Parduno points out, vodka tampons were a joke on “30 Rock.” Peep the video:

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Crotchety rambler Andy Rooney has passed away, just one month after his final “60 Minutes” appearance and slightly more than a week after suffering complications from minor surgery. In honor of his passing, I’ll be just as respectful about his death as he was about Kurt Cobain’s.

Rooney was an unremarkable, cranky bore whose bitching about simple annoyances struck a nerve with other aging white people who were frightened by or opposed to change. His view of America was essentially a collection of Rockwell paintings, and he complained about any facet of life that strayed from that impossible vision. When technological developments improved commerce or people’s lives, Rooney only saw the inconvenience of learning something new. In every TV appearance of his that I saw, he came off to me as intellectually incurious, and he happily took a paycheck from CBS for 60 years while brushing away the fans who sent him letters or tried to approach him in public. I don’t understand why people who didn’t know him should stop and mourn a man who never cared for people he didn’t know.

Rest in peace, Andy Rooney. The world has moved on.