Last week Sophie Reade was named the winner of the most recent iteration of UK’s “Big Brother,” and this is news because of her ginormous breasts. It’s also news because she gained some weight and said she’s gonna get bigger boobs and plastic surgery on her vagina. Good times.

Of her weight, the glamour girl said she was having to wear tracksuits as none of the rest of her clothes fitted. Talking in this week’s issue of New! magazine, she said: ”I’m usually between 7st 11lbs and 7st 13lbs [109 to 111 lbs] and I’m now 9st [126 lbs]. I can’t believe I’ve gained more than a stone in weight!” [Mirror]

That sound you just heard? Thousands and thousands of normal-breasted women who weigh more than 126 pounds flipping open a switchblade and announcing they’re going to cut a bitch.

The model, who already wears a 30GG bra, says she wants to give herself an even bigger boost with the £71,321 she won. When asked if she would be considering a boob job Sophie said: “I’m going to, yes. Go bigger? Why not, just for a change, go massive.” She cheekily added: “Maybe I’ll have a designer vagina. Maybe pink and fluffy.” [Mirror]

Don’t stop there! See if the surgeon can remove your uterus, too! Oh, that’s too harsh, you say? We should let her reproduce because of her awesome gigantic breast gene? I say watch the video below and tell me if you think this person should be responsible for anything more complicated than sea monkeys.

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This is a clip from the U.K.’s version of “Big Brother.”  It’s kind of hard to tell what’s going on without context, but basically the housemates had to pass a metal ring over a twisting electrified bar, and if the ring touched the bar, other housemates got an electric shock (hence the ridiculous suits, I believe).

The video is kind of lame until the two-minute mark, at which point one of the guys just repeatedly touches the ring to the bar, intentionally shocking his housemates over and over again.  And I think I speak for everyone when I say: OUTSTANDING.  I’d be a much bigger proponent of reality television if more contestants got electrocuted.  In fact, I’m putting together a proposal for a show right now called “Electric House.”  Or maybe “High Voltage.”  Or “Shock Treatment.”  Okay, I don’t know what to call it yet, but the bottom line is that people suffer constant electric shocks.

My biggest gripe about “Ugly Betty” — other than the completely false premise that someone with horrible fashion taste would succeed in the cutthroat world of fashion magazines — is that the America Ferrara’s character has been wearing gigantic steel braces for three years even though no adult wears braces like that, or for that long (see here).  And now dentists in the UK have totally got my back.

According to dentists train track braces are very seldom prescribed to adults and even then are not worn for more than two years.  British orthodontists said they were worried the programme could discourage young viewers from seeking corrective dental treatment.

Those crazy Brits, always looking for excuse to have terrible teeth.

Tracey Posner, of the British Orthodontic society, said: “It is irresponsible of the programme makers to portray Betty as ‘ugly’ because she wears prominent braces. Ugly Betty is in its third year on our TV screens and Betty remains in over-exaggerated, heavy ‘train-track’ braces.  This is not a true reflection of orthodontic practice. It is highly unlikely an adult would wear braces beyond two years.”

There you have it.  Vindication.  Finally, some professional experts have backed me up on this exposé.  We’ve revealed that something on TV is not 100% the way it is in the real world. My work here is done.

The UK’s Channel Four is fielding complaints just because of an instructive painting show.  Oh, and I guess technically it showed a model in the nude.  During lunch time hours.

The channel is showing five life drawing classes through the week as part of its education show Life Class: Today’s Nude.

Each half-hour broadcast has a different model and tutor to tell viewers about art and drawing techniques, guiding them through drawing their own picture as if they are in a real life class…

Section 1.18 of Ofcom’s Broadcasting Code says: “Nudity before the watershed must be justified by the context.”

Sweet, I love justified nudity!  I’m getting pretty good at it, too.  “No, your honor, I wasn’t wearing pants.  But in my defense, have you SEEN the rack on the plaintiff!?!?”

David Cross is one of those excellent acerbic comics who will never attain mainstream popularity in the United States unless he lowers himself to do crap projects like Alvin & the Chipmunks movies.  (What?  Oh no.)  And while comedy geeks will worship him forever for “Mr. Show” and for playing Tobias Fünke in “Arrested Development,” his humor always seems like it might be a better fit in the drier comedic climate of Great Britain.

And with that lengthy intro aside, we can segue seamlessly into his new project: a comedy series for the United Kingdom’s Channel 4 called “The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret,” co-starring Will Arnett and Spike Jonze (in his first big acting role since Three Kings).

American Todd Margaret (David Cross) bluffs his way into an apparently great job opportunity, heading up the sales team in his employer’s London office. All he has to do is sell several thousand energy drinks before his boss visits him in a week. Simple. Apart from the fact that he knows nothing about British culture and nothing about sales. This is further complicated when he lies continuously to cover his ignorance and spectacularly fails to impress Alice the first beautiful girl he meets. [RDF Media via /film]

BBC America needs to pick this up ASAP, because you know who wants to watch this show? ☛ This guy ☚