To promote his forthcoming roast on Comedy Central, Charlie Sheen shot an Apocalypse Now-style promo, and — surprisingly — his father Martin Sheen took a break from being disappointed in Charlie to actually make an appearance in the video (see below). But be warned: Charlie says the F-word. I know a lot of you are sensitive to dirty language, so I thought you dick-hungry whores should know in advance.

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The Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen was last night, and even though it won’t air until September 19th (the same night the Sheen-less “Two and a Half Men” debuts), nothing stays under wraps now that we have the Internet. Early word on the street is that the biggest bombs of the night were Mike Tyson and Kate Walsh. Tyson failed at the podium but did succeed in punching Steve-O from “Jackass,” which I look forward to seeing. And I have no idea why Walsh was there. I’m assuming she was brought in to facilitate jokes about her looking like a tranny.

Anyway, embedded below is a minute-long tease from Jeffrey Ross’s turn at the mic, and the roast favorite — dressed as Gaddafi — shares quips like “You make your own father ashamed of the fake name he shares with you” and coins the new term “skankruptcy.” For more roast joke “spoilers” — if you can call them that — go here.

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Noted street drug and hooker aficionado Charlie Sheen is set to be roasted for Comedy Central on September 19, and believe it or not, he has some opinions on the matter. It’s incredible that anyone could get him to come out of his shell for an interview, but E! News did just that. Take it away, Charlie:

“There’s less [cocaine] left on the planet because of me, so roast away,” Sheen acknowledged, laughing. “If that’s what’s in store for me, then bring it,” he said, agreeing that cocaine and hooker jokes would probably be “vying for first place” in terms of frequency up on the dais.

But coke cracks are “easy grabs, you know,” Charlie said. “I’m challenging these geniuses to go a little bit deeper, be less obvious.”

The real shame of this whole situation is that there’s probably nothing anyone can say that will get to him. His ego may be the most impenetrable forcefield known to man or beast. “What’s that? A joke about me beating my wife and just having a long history of violence towards women in general? You’re just jealous of my lifestyle, bro.” “Huh, jokes about me probably dying broke and alone in five years? Whatever. F-18.” I know at the end of the day these roasts are supposed to be good-natured, but I want people to go after him. Pull no punches. Make him cry if at all possible. If anyone deserves to be brutally made fun of for an hour and have all his dirty laundry aired out on television, it’s this douchecanoe.

Also, in an effort to combine all Charlie Sheen/”Two and a Half Men” news into one post so I can get it all out of the way at once, after the jump I’ve posted pictures of the $2 million, 53-foot trailer the show’s new star Ashton Kutcher is using on the set. Because, hey, eff your house.

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For those of you gambling on how Charlie Sheen’s character would leave “Two and a Half Men,” you can take the non-death options off the table. Deadline has confirmed that the two-part Season 9 premiere will feature Charlie Harper’s funeral.

Charlie’s girlfriends will come back for the occasion, and his house indeed will be put on the market. The episode will feature potential buyers coming to see the house (as I reported earlier, the list is expected to include real-life celebrities and stars from Men co-creator Chuck Lorre’s other series), with Ashton Kutcher among them. However, I hear he will not be the rightful owner of Charlie Harper’s digs by the end of the premiere episode, with the storyline expected to be extended into Episode 2.

Some smarty-pants figured that Charlie would be left alive to leave the door open for possible future guest appearances from Sheen, assuming that the show’s former star becomes contrite once his coke-and-hooker money dries up. But no, apparently showrunner Chuck Lorre took it personally when Sheen sued him and went on a national tour to call Lorre a “p*ssy” and repeatedly swear revenge. Lorre’s pretty thin-skinned that way.

I’ve always said that gambling makes everything better, but I never thought to apply it to something that already brings me joy: Charlie Sheen getting fired from “Two and a Half Men.” Fortunately, the bookies at Paddy Power are taking bets on how Charlie Harper will exit the show when the CBS sitcom returns with Ashton Kutcher in Sheen’s place:

Drives his car off a cliff 11/10
Leaves via airport with Rose 5/4
Gets shot in a crime of passion 3/1
By accidental poisoning 6/1
Gets hit by lightning 14/1
Surfing accident 20/1
Jail sentence 25/1
Joins a monastery 50/1
Taken into the Witness Protection Program 50/1
Gets lost at sea 66/1
A piano falls on him 200/1
Elope with Bertha 250/1

The best thing about this is that Paddy Power is taking other possibilities by request. I’m already thinking about putting putting $50 on “Drug overdose.” Or “raped to death in prison.” Or “instantaneous death from super-AIDS.” Or “trampled by bulls in Pamplona, then spending 18 months learning how to walk again before losing genitals to office shredder, then losing an agonizing 30-month battle with rectal cancer.” I’m just spit-ballin’. Feel free to use these, CBS.

[via Aol TV]