He's a pilot. Get it?

The majority of new shows are complete bullcrap. Of the dozens of shows that premiered on a network channel during the 2010-2011 season, only three have been any good: “Bob’s Burgers,” “Lone Star,” and “Raising Hope” (all Fox shows incidentally) — and only “Hawaii Five-0″ was a breakout success.

All we have between May (when shows are picked up) and September (when they air) is optimism that this year will be as good as, say, the 1999-2000 season, when “Freaks and Geeks,” “Angel,” “Malcolm in the Middle,” “The West Wing,” “Popular,” and “Shasta McNasty” all debuted. With that in mind, here are the ten new pilots that sound the most promising.

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Minka Kelly and Rachael Taylor are in negotiations to play the other two Angels in the ABC remake of “Charlie’s Angels,” joining the previously cast Annie Ilonzeh. Kelly, of course, is widely known for her roles in “Friday Night Lights” and falling into the perverted clutches of Derek Jeter. Taylor is an Australian actress you might not remember from Transformers because, you know, Megan Fox was onscreen, too.

Kelly was a name the producers kept coming back to and they are now reworking the role to tailor it to her. In the current breakdown, the character, previously named Marisa, is described as a former U.S. Marine, a weapons expert trained in all forms of hand-to-head combat and a neat freak.

Taylor’s Abby is the youngest and sassiest of the Angels, the beautiful and privileged dauther of a notorious Wall Street crook who is an expert con artist herself as well as a Krav Maga expert. [Deadline]

Needless to say, if women in the Marines looked like Minka Kelly, I’d still be on active duty. “Lack of hot chicks” was my primary reason for getting out of the service.

And poor Rachael Taylor. Overshadowed by arguably the sexiest woman in the world in Transformers, and now she’ll be sharing the small screen with the official Sexiest Woman in the World. Can’t a smoking hot blonde Australian girl catch a break?

Excellent news! ABC, the network most likely to whitewash a cast, has answered my wish for a more diverse “Charlie’s Angels” by casting “General Hospital” star Annie Ilonzeh as the first new Angel in the re-remake. Hmmmm, I wonder if she’ll be tough but also sexy…

Ilonzeh will play Kate, a very smart and very athletic ex-cop and a master of martial arts. She is the most serious of our 3 Angels but also knows how to let her hair down and have a great time. [Deadline]

Phew! For a second there I thought her character might be a cliché.

Anyway, the new pilot will set the show in Miami, and you know what that means: gratuitous bikini fight scenes. With that in mind, I’d like to suggest that the other two Angels be twins played by Diora Baird. Seriously, ABC, do it. I would definitely watch that show. Twice a week. In slow-motion.

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It’s official: ABC is closer to airing the re-remake of “Charlie’s Angels.” The project has been in the works for well over a year, and even though TV remakes have a spectacular rate of failure, ABC has ordered a pilot. As of yet, the only role that’s been cast is Robert Wagner as the voice of Charlie. According to Vulture:

Casting sessions for Angels 3.0 (we’re just going to forget about the pilot for Angles ’88) began last week, with producers looking at both newcomers and more established actresses. Vulture hears one key part may already be filled, however: the voice of Charlie.

We’ve confirmed those Internet rumors that former Hart to Hart star Robert Wagner, who turns 81 next month, is in talks to serve as the Angels’ unseen boss (the late John Forsythe was the original)… Our spies say that Wagner’s casting is related to an old deal the actor had with original Angels producer Aaron Spelling that gave Wagner a stake in the Angels TV franchise. Wagner unsuccessfully sued Sony for a share of the profits from the movie versions of Angels, [and] he might have been able to make trouble for Sony had the studio tried to do a new TV version without his blessing. Paying Wagner to voice Charlie seems like a clever way to avoid any future headaches.

Okay, sure, whatever. But let’s talk about the casting that really matters: the Angels. I wanted to come up with a trio that seemed both ideal and reasonable. I mean, as much as I’d like the Angels to be three A-list movie stars, or three Penthouse Pets who fight crime by having lesbian threesomes, I don’t think it’s gonna happen. So here’s my team of Angels, which is a combination of unfounded guesswork and wishful thinking:

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There’s an interesting article in Sunday’s New York Times about how almost every old television show that gets rebooted or remade fails miserably, yet Hollywood keeps on producing remakes. Some of the examples: “The Fugitive,” “Bionic Woman,” “Beverly Hills 90210,” “Melrose Place,” “Knight Rider,” “Dragnet” (starring Ed O’Neill as Joe Friday), and “The Twilight Zone” (with Forrest Whitaker in Rod Serling’s place).

In the history of network television, no remake of a previous hit series has ever become a hit itself on network television. [The successful remake of "Battlestar Galactica" lived on cable -Ed.]

And yet next year network TV will give us remakes of “Charlie’s Angels” (ABC), “The Rockford Files” (NBC), and “Hawaii Five-O” (CBS). Sigh.

The article also has four paragraphs quoting a college professor who analyzes the history of failure using terms like “aesthetic dissonance,” but it fails to state the extent to which television executives are idiotic inbred jackasses who spend their careers failing up the corporate totem pole. It’s kind of fun to see the shortcomings of journalism and network TV dovetail like that.