Until today, I had no knowledge of the 1980s childrens program “Zoobilee Zoo” that lived on in syndication throughout the ’90s. But this video of clips compiled by Rich at fourfour is enough to make me never want to have kids. Or if I do have kids, I’d rather raise them outside in Bangladesh than anywhere near a TV that might play something like this.

I beg you: watch this entire video. The first minute and a half is standard annoying kids TV crap: people in creepy animal suits singing songs about not getting in strangers’ cars. But around the 1:40 mark, it hits a new plane of terrible that I’ve never seen — not even in saccharine dreck like “Barney” or “Teletubbies.” I hate it so much that I love it. It’s so bad that it’s sublime. Or maybe it’s just so bad that it’s making me write things that make no sense.

This is why my children will never go into show business. I’m not saying I’m going to be the world’s greatest dad or anything, but I’m sure as hell not going to let some creepy hippie dude in mom jeans and a rooster with dredlocks pretend to teach my kids yoga on a fake farm as an excuse to feel them up. That’s what college is for.

[via Hot Hot Japan Hot | NOTE: I thought I posted this video last summer, but I couldn't find it in the archives, so here you go.]

Laugh if you want, but he’s listening to your thoughts.

As if Brazil kicking the salami out of the hated Italian soccer team yesterday wasn’t awesome enough, the game included what was possibly the greatest shot of a fan on the sideline since Jenn Sterger’s career got launched.  Welcome to Internet stardom, Ice Cream Kid.  In another couple of years, Daniel Tosh will give you the chance to eat an ice cream bar without smearing it all over your face.  Until then, may you live on in our laughing, joyous hearts.

There’s video after the jump, but I prefer the looped .gif file.  Because I never want the ice cream-smearing to stop.

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Here’s video of WGN (of Chicago, duh) sports anchor Pat Tomasulo dunking on a small child and then taunting him until he cries (via Mouthpiece Sports).  It is an absolute delight to watch.  In the course of a minute, he transitions from yelling “You don’t have any game, Tyler!” to a halfhearted apology before saying, “Actually, that felt GREAT.   I felt so powerful!”

All of that seems par for the course for Tomasulo, who also does humorous investigative news skits in a series called “The Pat Down.”  In the video after the jump, he goes after people who talk on bluetooths (blueteeth?) and send text messages while walking.  It’s not quite as good as most “Daily Show” segments, but then what does YOUR local sports anchor do in his free time?  Here in New York, Mike Francesca just sits in a recliner, sweating while he labors to breathe.

Side note: everyone at WGN News is pretty cool.

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“Torchwood” is a BBC science-fiction series about an agency that deals with extraterrestrials.  I’ve never seen it, but the first two seasons have earned it a dedicated following in the UK, and season three will air on BBC One and BBC America in July as a five-night miniseries called “Torchwood: Children of Earth.”  And judging by the trailer, it appears that aliens are going to take over the world’s children and make them speak in unison.  The Brits are all about children speaking in unison.  We don’t need no education…

But whatever, it sounds cool to me.  The aliens can have our stupid wiener kids.  Whatever it takes to keep the annoying teenagers from loitering around outside my apartment.

[Zap2it]