Justified (FX) – Carla Gugino is on tonight’s episode. After the events of last week, please be advised that the Boyd Crowder Hair Threat Level has been temporarily upgraded from Unruly to Partial Electrocution. (NOTE: I have attached six more promo shots of Carla Gugino’s appearance to this post. You are all quite welcome.)

State of the Union Address (Every channel) – Presidents always invite inspirational figures or people who overcame adversity and have them sit up in the box with the First Lady. If I was president, I would put a koala in a little tiny tuxedo up there. YOUR MOVE, POLITICAL OPPONENTS.

Southland (TNT) – Tonight’s episode features a guest spot by Marla Gibbs, who played Florence on “The Jeffersons.” This is as good a reason as any to link to this video of Sherman Hemsley dancing.

Chopped (Food Network) – Four previous runners-up have to incorporate root beer schnapps and sweetbreads into their dishes. FUN FACT: I am typing this sentence while making my icky face.

White Collar (USA) – Yesterday was Tiffani Thiessen’s birthday. I can’t believe Uproxx made me work. WHAT DO WE WANT? Holidays based on the birthdays of celebrities we used to have crushes on! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Preferably by Britney Spears’ birthday in early December!

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Elizabeth Banks and Ben McKenzie (Ryan from “The O.C.”) on Kimmel, and Sam Worthington and a whip-cracking champion named Adam Winrich on Conan. Everyone else is in repeats, but Tina Fey is on Letterman, and it’s the episode of Ferguson that they taped in Paris, if you’re so inclined.

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Just about everything is in reruns tonight. Maybe think about reading a book or something.

Saturday Night Live Presents: A Very Gilly Christmas (NBC) – A rerun from last year featuring a bunch of the show’s Christmas sketches. “A Very Gilly Christmas” sounds more like a threat than anything else.

Who’s Still Standing? (NBC) – I have nothing to say about this new trivia contest except this: I would annihilate every person on this show. Every single one of them. That’s not me being cocky, either. That is A FACT. You should see me when I play Trivial Pursuit. Total bloodbath.

Larry the Cable Guy’s Star-Studded Christmas Celebration (Comedy Central) – Nope.

Chopped (Food Network) – It says tonight the contestants have to include marmalade in their appetizers, rabbit in their entrees, and vanilla ice cream in their desserts? What?! I could do that. There better be a secret ingredient like sardines or a gallon of orange soda, or I’m going to be extremely disappointed.

Flor Salvaje (Telemundo) – I put this show’s TV Guide summary through an online translator, and it spit out, “A young woman comes to an oil village and begins to work in a cabaret in order to keep her sisters. There she is converted to a strong woman and capable of defending what she loves most in life.” This sounds better than anything on American television tonight. By a LONG SHOT. Working in an oil village cabaret sounds like something they’d threaten you with if you weren’t holding your own at a classier establishment. “DAMMIT DENISE! You better start hitting your marks, or so help me God you’ll be working in an OIL VILLAGE CABARET by this time next week!”

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Harry Connick, Jr. and Scott van Pelt on Letterman; Robin Wright on Ferguson; Charles Barkley and Berenice Bejo on Leno; Tom Cruise on Fallon; Patton Oswalt and comedian Joe Mande on Conan. So, yeah. Just watch Conan.

90210 (CW) — Lesbian kiss! Quel intrigue! You can read all about Jessica Lowndes’s reaction to kissing Rumer Willis right here. Try to contain your excitement!

White Collar (USA) — Season finale. I’m surprised this show has done so well with that title in a recession. My first impulse when I think about white-collar workers is to push a Wall Street trader into traffic.

The Good Wife (CBS) — Alan Cumming returns to the show, and Ana Gasteyer (“Saturday Night Live”) guest stars as a difficult judge. Man, this show really has it all: the mind-numbing dullness of politics combined with the jaw-slackening boredom of legal procedures. Finally, someone has mixed the combustible ingredients of jury duty and C-SPAN.

Lost (ABC) — It’s an episode about Ben Linus tonight. THAT IS NOT A SPOILER. However, if spoilers are what you want, follow @mattufford. I’ll be spoiling away at around 9:20 p.m. Eastern.

Dwarf Adoption Story (TLC) — Sorry, it’s a repeat. Dammit, dwarves! Can’t more of you little people adopt more midget babies?

Chopped (Food Network) — Season finale. Who cares if it’s rigged? It’s just nice to see one of the Fab Five from “Queer Eye” still working on television. In a related story, Carson Kressley is washing the semen out of his hair in a Penn Station bathroom.