This is a clip from a new CMT reality show titled “Bayou Billionaires,” centered around a Southern family named the Dowdens who done struck it rich when some fancy gas company went and put some equipment on their property and the checks came a-rollin’ in. It’s pretty much “The Beverly Hillbillies” if the Clampetts had decided to stay at home and put in an above ground hot tub instead of move to California. Some highlights:

• Accents that make Larry the Cable Guy sound like Morgan Freeman.
• A horny 90-year-old grandfather who spends all day on the phone trying too woo women.
• A girl named Chantel whose ENTIRE SEGMENT is about getting new teeth.
• Chantel’s boyfriend, a burned-out biker who describes himself as follows: “Some people call me Carl, some people call me Albert, and, it really depends on what part of the country I’m in, some people call me Jimmy.” Hmm, seems legitimate to me!
• A third-degree black belt named Gerald Jr. who looks like Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite and says “The only thing I like more than winning is not losing.”

I’m a little torn on this show. On one hand, as a NortheasternCollegeEducatedLiberalElite looking down on the common folks from his ivory tower, this whole thing is horrifying to me. All of it. But on the other hand, if someone started mailing me checks for $100,000 for doing nothing, I’d probably go apesh-t with the money, too. (Step 1: Hire the entire East Coast Family play my birthday party every year.) And, hey, as someone who has to fill up a blog every day with posts about TV, this family could be a godsend. So I guess what I’m getting at is this: keep doin’ you, weird shady biker and creepshow old dude. I’ve got bills to pay.

Necessary image after the jump.

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Texas Women (CMT) — Series premiere. Essentially a “Real Housewives of Texas,” this is automatically better than Bravo’s franchise because (a) it’s not on Bravo, and (b) these women say “y’all.” Keep your eyes on Ali Dee (center right), a former SuperSonics (R.I.P.) dancer who now works for the Dallas Mavericks, lives on a ranch with a bull rider, and is an aspiring country singer. She’s very Texan (except that she’s from Miami).

Tattoo School (TLC) — Series premiere. Pretty much what the title suggests: a tattoo artist teaches other people how to be tattoo artists. And thank goodness for that. Seems like there are never enough tattoo parlors.

Louie (FX) — Louie suffers through a terrible gig at an Atlantic City casino, then has a talk with (surprisingly good) guest star Joan Rivers about the business of comedy. I’m looking forward to watching this one again.

True Life: I’m a Sugar Baby (MTV) — A sugar baby is the recipient of a sugar daddy’s care, which means that you can expect to learn way too much about shallow young women who whore themselves to wealthy men for presents. Looks like I compiled TV’s Most Punchable Faces one day too early.

Wilfred (FX) — Ed Helms guest stars in tonight’s episode, the first one that I haven’t already seen. And as super-awesome as it is was to watch a commercial-free screener before the general public, I have to say that I much prefer to experience TV at the same time as the general public. I’d rather be an armchair critic than a professional one.

All apologies for the butt-quality screen grab. I'll make it up to you somehow.

Recently, gossip sites and country music message boards were all atwitter with the news that former “Dancing With the Stars” dancer Julianne Hough’s new music video was banned by CMT for being too raunchy.  This was big news.  Sweet, sexy news.  Surely it wasn’t just something she herself suggested even though it had more to do with seriousface lawyers fighting over paperwork, right Daniel Sperling of Digital Spy?

The 22-year-old singer … [revealed]… that the promo for ‘Is That So Wrong’ had been removed from US music channels and video-sharing websites such as YouTube over concerns about her scantily-clad appearance.

“Apparently I was taking off too many clothes as I was dancing across my bedroom [in the video],” The Washington Post quotes her as saying. “But I don’t know – I kind of liked it.”

However, a spokesperson for the MTV-owned Country Music Television denied removing the video for its raunchy content, stating to On The Red Carpet: “We took it down shortly thereafter [release] due to ongoing contract negotiations with Julianne’s label, Universal Music Group.”

Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Well if this is really just a non-story about lawyers mailing paper back and forth to each other, then why did you post this, DG?  What was this, just some excuse to post a video of Julianne Hough writhing around in her underpants like she just bought a house at the corner of TinyHot & Strumpet?  That’s all this was?”

Guilty as charged.  I told you I’d make up for that crappy screen grab.

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Squeaky-clean and well-adjusted teen sensation Taylor Swift opened up last night’s Country Music Awards Country Music Television Awards with a rap video featuring omnipresent Auto Tuner T-Pain (see video below).  As you can see, she’s no Natalie Portman on Saturday Night Live (also below), but considering Swift doesn’t drink or swear or — from what I can tell — have impure thoughts of any kind, she manages to do pretty well here.  Props to the CMT Awards for doing something that made me notice they exist.

Swift also won Video of the Year and Female Video of the Year, then closed out the show by singing “Pour Some Sugar on Me” with Def Leppard.  And it’s good to see Def Leppard working.  You can catch them next week at the Emerald Queen Casino in Fife, Washington and on August 11th at the Slinger Community Center in Slinger, Wisconsin (note: Bingo will be moved up an hour to accommodate the show).

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This August, CMT will begin airing a new reality show in which guitar legend/right-wing fanatic/Hall of Fame bowhunter Ted Nugent will hunt human beings for sport.  The show is called “Runnin’ Wild… From Ted Nugent,” and it is my new favorite anything that’s ever been on TV.

CMT has ordered eight episodes of “Runnin’ Wild …From Ted Nugent,” a reality-competition series that will feature the right-wing rock star and hunting advocate teaching contestants how to survive in the wild, then chasing after them along with his 18-year-old son, Rocco. [source]

First prize is you live.  Second place is a humane death and prominent placement in Nugent’s trophy room.  Third place is you’re Rocco’s taxidermy lesson.  **shreds guitar solo**