Before I delve into today’s TV news, I want to acknowledge the tsunami in the room: a massive earthquake rocked Japan late last night, devastating the coastal city of Sendai and triggering a tsunami that swept away cars, boats, houses, and other large objects that generally shouldn’t be swept away. News reports stated that the quake measured an 8.9 on the Richter scale, but Internet commenters dismissed that, saying “Whatever, it’s barely a 6.” Out of respect for the victims of this tragedy, I ask that all Godzilla jokes be postponed until tomorrow. Or at least this afternoon.

In order to give this some semblance of a TV angle, I’ve embedded a couple videos of news coverage below. The first is from Al-Jazeera’s English branch, and it has some jaw-dropping images of water sweeping over the land and the fires that erupted in the quake’s aftermath. The second video is from CNN, which has provided altogether lousy coverage but got a great eyewitness account from Matt Alt, an American who’s lived in Japan for the last eight years. Alt is actually the author of a book called Yokai Attack! The Japanese Monster Survival Guide, which — I’m sorry to say — would have dovetailed awesomely into a Godzilla joke. Alas.

Anyway, my best wishes go to the people of Japan and the rescue workers tasked with subduing the crisis, and my apologies to readers who look to Warming Glow as an impenetrable bubble that protects them from the grim reality of world news. I’ll get back to the business of Charlie Sheen and corgis post-haste.

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The revolution currently going on in Egypt may end up being one of the most important cultural and sociopolitical events of our lifetime, but you aren’t going to get the “normal Joe SixPack Americans” to care until Egyptians start beating up our celebrities.

That took a big leap forward today when Silver Fox and Channel One-alum Anderson Cooper was repeatedly punched in the head by protesters. “The attackers pushed and shoved the CNN crew and punched them in the head, he said, but no one was seriously hurt,” according to a report on CNN.com.  A colleague, CNN’s Steve Brusk, tweeted that Cooper was “punched 10 times in the head” by a “pro-Mubarak mob.” No word on whether or not the crowd counted along with the punches, like when Hulk Hogan does it.

I like to think Cooper got punched in the head not because of Mubarak, but because he went to Egypt to cover world events and tried to film them on his Flip™. Also, I’m going to keep being ignorant enough to believe “Mubarak” is a Jack Kirby monster who has somehow taken over Egypt. For more on the turmoil, allow me to retweet from @mattufford:

“Did I just hear the phrase ‘police on camels’ on CNN? Maybe the Egyptian revolution can overthrow some stereotypes.”

This security camera footage of a woman falling into a mall fountain because she’s too busy texting went viral on BuzzFeed earlier this week, and it’s about as satisfying as a bad-thing-happens-to-texting-moron video can be without bodily harm happening. Personally, I’d prefer to see “texter gets hit by bus” or “texter falls off ledge into industrial sausage grinder,” because I get off on Darwinian cruelty. I’m all about thinning the herd, if you know what I’m saying.

And if you think that sentiment is too cruel, check out the CNN clip below that features an interview with the “victim,” 49-year-old Pennsylvania native Cathy Cruz Marrero, who is actually pursuing legal action against the mall. Urge. To Kill. RISING.

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Howard Stern was on Piers Morgan’s not-Larry King show last night, and Stern shared some shocking opinions about Jay Leno that would have been extremely timely 12 or 13 months ago.

He’s not fit to scrub David Letterman’s feet. I don’t know why he’s beaten David Letterman in the ratings. It’s beyond my comprehension. America must be filled with morons, who at night lay in bed, the ones that are watching him must be in a coma…

[on Conan] If I was Jay Leno, I would’ve manned up. I would’ve said, “Listen. Conan, you think you’re so good? I’m gonna go to Fox network, or I’m gonna go to ABC, and I’m gonna put my show on, and I’m gonna kick your ass. THAT’S what a man does. You don’t sort of weasel your way back in.”

I don’t like Jay personally. Jay was one of the greatest stand-up comics, in my opinion, when he was younger. But I do not like the way he’s behaved with me personally. I’ve done his show many times in the past; I won’t do it again.

I mean, yeah. I agree with Stern, but it just seems like piling on at this point. C’mon dude, just put some Penthouse Pets on the Sybian (link is NSFW video).

Below is a video so terrific that it’s hard to believe it happened on our crappy little planet. CNN was covering something boring about taxes and protests, and then it inexplicably cut to the scene in Dumb and Dumber where Jeff Daniels has diarrhea. I have no idea how or why it happened, but YouTube commenter Sorry4DoublePosting has a theory:

Must’ve been queued up for the dot-head to laugh at during the commercial breaks. A really classy organization, isn’t it? The place is crawling Jew-bashing Hispanics, poverty pimps, Canadian commies, homely feminazis, Paki terrorists, Britfags, stealth queers and whore chasers. Now you know why their ratings are in the tank.

Oh, YouTube commenters, you really do destroy everything beautiful. Let’s just get on with the accidental toilet humor, shall we? Because accidental toilet humor is the best toilet humor.

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