Whoa, get ready for a “Saturday Night Live” scandal: former cast member Darrell Hammond is coming out with a tell-all memoir in which he reveals his rampant use of booze, cocaine, and crack during his 14-year tenure on the show. What an outrage! I’m going to put asterisks on all those laughs I got.

“I kept a pint of Remy in my desk at work,” Hammond recalls in God, If You’re Not Up There, I’m F*cked, out Nov. 8 from HarperCollins. “The drinking calmed my nerves and quieted the disturbing images that sprang into my head … when drinking didn’t work, I cut myself.”

In 1998, cops took Hammond from the NBC infirmary to New York Hospital in a straitjacket. “My wife came but I didn’t recognize her,” he writes. In 2002, Hammond recalls, “I’d started adding an obscene amount of cocaine to my binges … I had to be creative about how I did it without other people catching on or letting it interfere with the work. At least too much.”

In 2009, during his 14th “SNL” season, and having gone to rehab once, Hammond relapsed. “I had the brilliant idea I should try crack,” he writes — and he spent time in a Harlem crack house. [NY Post]

I just can’t believe that a bunch of comedians working late at night on the weekends in New York City would allow this kind of behavior. This will probably tarnish the show’s reputation forever.

Shocking news today: Flavor Flav, the Public Enemy hype man who reinvented himself as wack-job magnet for spotlight-seeking tramps, has a new memoir that claims he maintained a $2600-a-day cocaine habit. FOR SIX YEARS.

You’re very honest in the book about your drug use. It got really crazy.
Yeah I was spending $2,600 a day, for six years, every single day. I don’t know how much that is but if you did the math, wow, I went through a lot of money. If I did the math I’d probably be shocked on how much money I spent, I’d probably punch myself in the face. [PopEater via WWTDD]

That math comes to $5.7 million of cocaine, which makes me feel WAY better about the rewards program that gives me a discount for every $500 I spend at the liquor store downstairs. I can’t even process how much cocaine that is. (“So many briefcases.” — Charlie Sheen)

Curse the 9-to-5 East Coast workday, because yesterday afternoon Charlie Sheen went further off the hinges than ever before, causing CBS to shut down production on the rest of the season of “Two and a Half Men.” For posterity’s sake I’m going to walk you through all the news stories and back-and-forth, from the beginning, starting with Sheen’s rant on Alex Jones’s radio show. If you have the time, I recommend listening to the whole thing over at WWTDD, because the transcript alone doesn’t do justice to Sheen’s coked-up delusion.

“Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

As you read more of his completely insane quotes, you’ll see that the overriding theme tends to be “I’m awesome, and everyone else is holding me back from being even more awesome.” Here he is on series creator and writer Chuck Lorre (I’ve bolded all the craziest stuff):

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Charlie Sheen went to the emergency room yesterday for what’s being reported as a hernia. Of course, going to the E.R. for a hernia isn’t a big news story unless, say, you’ve spent the previous 36 hours doing a briefcase of cocaine and critiquing pornography with porn stars. Let’s recap:

We’re told Sheen had several people inside his home during the 36-hour span that started Tuesday night — including 2 porn stars [Melanie Rios and Kacey Jordan - Ed.], a business associate, and several other women. After hours of drinking, we’re told a person showed up to the house with a designer “briefcase” — that contained multiple “bricks” of cocaine. We’re told Sheen immediately began doing the drug for several hours. [TMZ]

Sources who were present at Charlie’s house during his 36-hour party tell us … Charlie pulled out a small green pipe and started smoking cocaine continuously … for hours.

There are many wild details, but we’re told eventually Charlie ended up in his theater room with one of the porn stars with whom he was partying. They watched 3 hours of porn, as Charlie critiqued the action on the screen.

We’re told Charlie, who fancies himself as a porn connoisseur, was questioning his companion about angles and body shots. We’re told the porn star was “surprised” by the depth of Charlie’s knowledge. [TMZ]

Someone yesterday got upset that I was hoping for Sheen to die. Really? Twenty years of doing mountains of cocaine and being violent to women, and I’m the bad guy for wishing he would die? You know, at this point I think the burden of proof for people NOT wishing he’d die falls on Charlie.

p.s. CBS stock dropped almost three points when news of Sheen’s hospitalization broke. Maybe that will wake up the CBS execs who keep supporting him.

As noted earlier, Charlie Sheen was drunk, naked, and trashing his hotel room when the police showed up last night. Well, the unsurprising story has gotten even unsurprising-er, as the prostitute that Sheen was with says that he was on cocaine as well. Doo dee doo, just another Monday night on a Sheen family vacation.

“The prostitute says Charlie was using cocaine,” a source told RadarOnline.com. “She said after he did the coke, he flipped out, couldn’t find his wallet and accused her of stealing it.” Things quickly went downhill from there, with the disturbance in the room growing louder and louder.

Radar isn’t exactly a reliable news outlet, but c’mon: you couldn’t tell me a story about Sheen, hookers, and blow that I wouldn’t believe unless it involved Sheen saying no to them.

Sheen’s representative had a different explanation for the incident and told RadarOnline.com: “What we are able to determine is that Charlie had an adverse allergic reaction to some medication and was taken to the hospital, where he is expected to be released tomorrow.”

Sheen’s representative added, “…and by ‘medication’ I mean ‘cocaine.’ And by ‘adverse allergic reaction’ I mean ‘going violently crazy’. He breaks furniture instead of out into hives.”