Whoa, get ready for a “Saturday Night Live” scandal: former cast member Darrell Hammond is coming out with a tell-all memoir in which he reveals his rampant use of booze, cocaine, and crack during his 14-year tenure on the show. What an outrage! I’m going to put asterisks on all those laughs I got.

“I kept a pint of Remy in my desk at work,” Hammond recalls in God, If You’re Not Up There, I’m F*cked, out Nov. 8 from HarperCollins. “The drinking calmed my nerves and quieted the disturbing images that sprang into my head … when drinking didn’t work, I cut myself.”

In 1998, cops took Hammond from the NBC infirmary to New York Hospital in a straitjacket. “My wife came but I didn’t recognize her,” he writes. In 2002, Hammond recalls, “I’d started adding an obscene amount of cocaine to my binges … I had to be creative about how I did it without other people catching on or letting it interfere with the work. At least too much.”

In 2009, during his 14th “SNL” season, and having gone to rehab once, Hammond relapsed. “I had the brilliant idea I should try crack,” he writes — and he spent time in a Harlem crack house. [NY Post]

I just can’t believe that a bunch of comedians working late at night on the weekends in New York City would allow this kind of behavior. This will probably tarnish the show’s reputation forever.

Shocking news today: Flavor Flav, the Public Enemy hype man who reinvented himself as wack-job magnet for spotlight-seeking tramps, has a new memoir that claims he maintained a $2600-a-day cocaine habit. FOR SIX YEARS.

You’re very honest in the book about your drug use. It got really crazy.
Yeah I was spending $2,600 a day, for six years, every single day. I don’t know how much that is but if you did the math, wow, I went through a lot of money. If I did the math I’d probably be shocked on how much money I spent, I’d probably punch myself in the face. [PopEater via WWTDD]

That math comes to $5.7 million of cocaine, which makes me feel WAY better about the rewards program that gives me a discount for every $500 I spend at the liquor store downstairs. I can’t even process how much cocaine that is. (“So many briefcases.” — Charlie Sheen)

Curse the 9-to-5 East Coast workday, because yesterday afternoon Charlie Sheen went further off the hinges than ever before, causing CBS to shut down production on the rest of the season of “Two and a Half Men.” For posterity’s sake I’m going to walk you through all the news stories and back-and-forth, from the beginning, starting with Sheen’s rant on Alex Jones’s radio show. If you have the time, I recommend listening to the whole thing over at WWTDD, because the transcript alone doesn’t do justice to Sheen’s coked-up delusion.

“Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

As you read more of his completely insane quotes, you’ll see that the overriding theme tends to be “I’m awesome, and everyone else is holding me back from being even more awesome.” Here he is on series creator and writer Chuck Lorre (I’ve bolded all the craziest stuff):

“I’m tired of being told ‘You can’t talk about that, you can’t talk about that.’ Bull S-H-I-T. There’s something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine — yeah, that’s Chuck’s real name [Lorre was born Charles Levine - Ed.]— mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process. Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he’s above the law.”

“Yeah, I party with hookers and order briefcases of cocaine. But that Chuck Lorre really acts like he’s above the law, huh?”

“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

“Guys, it’s right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”

Wait, are the Vatican assassin warlocks flying the F-18s? I’m confused.

“If you love with violence and you hate with violence, there’s nothing that can be questioned. People say, ‘Oh, you’d better work through your resentments.’ Yeah, no. I’m gonna hang on to them, and they’re gonna fuel my attack. And they’re going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers. Because they’re all around you. Sorry, you thought you were just messing with one dude. Winning.”

Watch out, the Vatican assassin warlock F-18 employs a secret army of soldiers.

“The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math … another one of their mottoes is ‘Don’t be special, be one of us.’ Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bullsh*t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind.”

That’s telekinesis, Kyle.

“I cured it, I’m done … you don’t look like you’re having a lot of fun. I’m gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex!” [Sheen quotes transcribed by Vulture]

Sheen also went off on Lorre to TMZ, challenging him to a fight in the Octagon, which of course is typical for 46-year-old employees when they want to resolve disputes with their bosses.

Charlie said, “I violently hate Chaim Levine (Chuck Lorre). He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I’d never want to be like.” Charlie adds, “That’s me being polite.”

“All these guys told me to ‘clean it up.’ Well this is me cleaning it the f**k up.” Charlie, who insists he’s sober, says, “All I want is to bring my family together, and I have to deal with all this B.S. politics.”

And as if that’s not enough, Charlie says “That piece of s**t [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family’s pocket, and, most importantly, my second family — my crew’s pocket… You can tell him [Lorre] one thing. I own him.” [TMZ]

At that point, CBS was kind of painted into a corner:

“Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season,” the companies said in a statement…

The halting the show does, of course, throw the entire future of the hit series into question. Sheen was signed through the end of next season. A network will typically decide on a show’s fate in time for its upfront presentation in May, but one shouldn’t expect anything about Men to be typical at this point. [EW]

Sheen responded to this news with grace and dignity, of course. Which is to say he fired up another eight-ball and wrote an open letter to the people that keep trying to chain his unbridled awesomeness. From TMZ:

What does this say about Haim Levine after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows … I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.

Remember these are my people … not yours…we will continue on together…

Charlie Sheen

To recap: Charlie Sheen is a Vatican warlock assassin alchemist F-18 with fire-breathing fists and a secret army who will march up the steps of justice to right the unconscionable wrong of losing his $2 million-a-week job because he’s so great.

Kids, don’t do cocaine.

Charlie Sheen went to the emergency room yesterday for what’s being reported as a hernia. Of course, going to the E.R. for a hernia isn’t a big news story unless, say, you’ve spent the previous 36 hours doing a briefcase of cocaine and critiquing pornography with porn stars. Let’s recap:

We’re told Sheen had several people inside his home during the 36-hour span that started Tuesday night — including 2 porn stars [Melanie Rios and Kacey Jordan - Ed.], a business associate, and several other women. After hours of drinking, we’re told a person showed up to the house with a designer “briefcase” — that contained multiple “bricks” of cocaine. We’re told Sheen immediately began doing the drug for several hours. [TMZ]

Sources who were present at Charlie’s house during his 36-hour party tell us … Charlie pulled out a small green pipe and started smoking cocaine continuously … for hours.

There are many wild details, but we’re told eventually Charlie ended up in his theater room with one of the porn stars with whom he was partying. They watched 3 hours of porn, as Charlie critiqued the action on the screen.

We’re told Charlie, who fancies himself as a porn connoisseur, was questioning his companion about angles and body shots. We’re told the porn star was “surprised” by the depth of Charlie’s knowledge. [TMZ]

Someone yesterday got upset that I was hoping for Sheen to die. Really? Twenty years of doing mountains of cocaine and being violent to women, and I’m the bad guy for wishing he would die? You know, at this point I think the burden of proof for people NOT wishing he’d die falls on Charlie.

p.s. CBS stock dropped almost three points when news of Sheen’s hospitalization broke. Maybe that will wake up the CBS execs who keep supporting him.

As noted earlier, Charlie Sheen was drunk, naked, and trashing his hotel room when the police showed up last night. Well, the unsurprising story has gotten even unsurprising-er, as the prostitute that Sheen was with says that he was on cocaine as well. Doo dee doo, just another Monday night on a Sheen family vacation.

“The prostitute says Charlie was using cocaine,” a source told RadarOnline.com. “She said after he did the coke, he flipped out, couldn’t find his wallet and accused her of stealing it.” Things quickly went downhill from there, with the disturbance in the room growing louder and louder.

Radar isn’t exactly a reliable news outlet, but c’mon: you couldn’t tell me a story about Sheen, hookers, and blow that I wouldn’t believe unless it involved Sheen saying no to them.

Sheen’s representative had a different explanation for the incident and told RadarOnline.com: “What we are able to determine is that Charlie had an adverse allergic reaction to some medication and was taken to the hospital, where he is expected to be released tomorrow.”

Sheen’s representative added, “…and by ‘medication’ I mean ‘cocaine.’ And by ‘adverse allergic reaction’ I mean ‘going violently crazy’. He breaks furniture instead of out into hives.”

Mischa Barton — the “O.C.” alumna who will star in the CW’s “The Beautiful Life” this fall — was taken to the hospital last week amid a swirl of rumors about her health and sanity.  And it doesn’t look like those rumors will stop any time soon, because the New York Post has the awesomest story about a three-day coke binge and a life falling apart that you’ll read today.

Barton was so high on coke following a marathon three-day bender that friends called cops afraid she would kill herself, sources have told The Post.

Barton, 23, was taken away from her LA home by police and placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold on Wednesday. The party-loving former “O.C” star was due to fly to New York for the premiere of her movie “Homecoming,” which has been slammed by critics.

A source close to Barton said, “She’s in very bad shape. She’s running out of money and can’t find love, so now she is looking for a good time to escape her misery. She is on a downward spiral. She is a mess. She is a suicidal, uninsurable mess.”

Photographed Tuesday at an LA hotel, the once-skinny Barton [note: not a recent picture] looked bloated and almost unrecognizable. A guest at the hotel said Barton seemed to be stumbling around poolside and at one point was topless…

Her publicist, Craig Schneider, released a statement yesterday confirming that the actress remains in the hospital under doctor’s orders. Under Section 5150 of the California Welfare and Institutions Code, authorities can hold a person for up to 72 hours if they present a danger to themselves or others.

Meanwhile, a rep for Barton told OK Magazine that the allegations of a three-day coke bender were “preposterous.”  And I’m just going to go ahead and assume that “preposterous” has a secondary definition that means “entirely believable.”  Whatever the case is, one thing’s for certain: “The Beautiful Life” is going to be a fabulous disaster.  Which is saying a lot.  It’s not easy for a show on the CW to stand out for sucking.