Comedian Patrice O’Neal died last night, one month after suffering a massive stroke. The longtime Comedy Central presence had previously battled diabetes, which served as the butt of several jokes in his final TV appearance, the roast of Charlie Sheen. He was 41.

O’Neal’s TV credits included a stint on “The Office,” regular appearances on “Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn,” and a memorable one-off as the pyromaniac T-Bone in “Arrested Development” (There’s always money in the banana stand). He was also the second-best part about In the Cut (banner image & video below), which reminds me: R.I.P. Meg Ryan’s original face.

“South Park” will enter the rarefied air of two decades of longevity, as Comedy Central’s latest renewal will keep Trey Parker and Matt Stone in business for another three years of no-holds-barred juvenile satire beyond its current deal.

[Parker and Stone] have closed a new deal with Comedy Central for three more seasons of South Park. The pact will keep the series on through 2016, extending its run to 20 seasons. Parker and Stone will continue to write, direct and edit every episode of South Park, as they have since the series’ premiere in 1997. [Deadline]

I’ve been trying make myself have an opinion about this, but I just can’t conjure one up. Parker and Stone are absolutely fearless and should be celebrated for creating some of the edgiest satire on TV over the years, so in that regard this is great. On the other hand, I don’t find “South Park” as funny as a lot of other people do because I tend to get annoyed by the characters’ voices and the lousy animation. Yes, I understand that’s part of the show’s charm. Yes, I understand that the lousy animation allows for quick reactions to current events. Stop telling me why it’s great and let me have an opinion, okay? Why do people still try to change my mind about a show that I’ve watched on and off for the last 14 years?

There are three pillars upon which Warming Glow is built: Alison Brie, corgis, and bringing you every possible TV clip about vodka-soaked tampons. With that last one in mind, last night’s “Colbert Report” led off with the Phoenix news report featured here last week (though it said nothing of the phenomenon’s 2008 appearance on “The Doctors”).

The clip is below for you enjoyment (via Uproxx). To the commenting section’s great credit, Colbert closes with the same punchline that La Schmoove made in last week’s post. Warming Glow: telling you Stephen Colbert’s jokes a week before they happen, without any of the acclaim or respectability.

As Brett noted yesterday on UPROXX, Stephen Colbert infiltrated Occupy Wall Street dressed up as Che Guevara for a segment on “The Colbert Report.” But the majority of the segment (video below) was an interview with these caricatures of liberal hipster scum. The woman on the right — yes, she really IS wearing oversize glasses AND a vintage dress AND Down Syndrome bangs — goes by the name “Ketchup.” Her name is Ketchup. And she says she’s a “female-bodied person,” because not all biological females identify themselves as women. Because apparently saying she’s a woman would be insulting to transgendered people? I don’t know.

I mean, here I am, someone who’s angry at the big banks and hedge funds who led to our nation’s financial ruin. I’ve lost a significant portion of my meager life savings thanks to their greed. I absolutely identify with the 99%. And yet these cheesedick academic douchebags make me want to reconsider my position. I’m thinking about joining the NYPD right now just for the outside chance to hit these people with a night stick.

Yo Occupy Wall Street, hire a PR firm.

It’s long been known that the “Church” of Scientology doesn’t take kindly to jokes that the organization is a for-profit cult based on a work of science fiction, but it’s a little more obvious than usual today, as a former Scientologist has revealed that the church investigated “South Park” creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone after 2005′s classic “Trapped in the Closet” episode. Marty Rathbun, a former executive at Corporate Scientology, has leaked documents that show the church’s Office of Special Affairs — “the harassment and terror network of Corporate Scientology” — tried to bring down Parker and Stone through various means.

The whole thing is kind of long and lacking in anything revelatory or surprising, but here’s the AV Club’s summation:

According to those documents, Scientology operatives staked out the South Park production offices to compile personal information on the staff, and even concocted schemes to infiltrate the writers’ room using a Church plant who’d worked for Troma Entertainment’s Lloyd Kaufman. Through that mole, the Church established “leads” on several friends of Parker and Stone—including then-married couple John Stamos and Rebecca Romijn—whom they also targeted for “PRCs” (public records checks) and “special collections,” which Rathbun explains to the Village Voice is a Scientology code word for digging in the trash and looking for anything they can use against you, be it phone records and bank statements or even empty bottles of liquor and food containers that could help them “figure out your diet.” Unfortunately for the Church of Scientology, they were apparently thwarted in their attempts to dig through Parker and Stone’s trash.

C’mon, Scientology, step up your game. Enough with the covert intelligence-gathering and low-level intimidation stuff. Hire some hitmen already, give me some headlines I can work with.

In the wake of Rick Perry leasing a hunting camp called… ummm… *cough* *cough*head, Wyatt Cenac filed a report for “The Daily Show” (video below) that no white correspondent possibly could have: he pointed out that scores of other American geographical features are named with similar insensitivity to race issues. What I’m trying to say is, he said the N-word a LOT. And not the N-word the way black people say it to each other, but the way white slave owners used to say it: casually, and with a hard “-er.”

The piece made me wide-eyed and slightly uncomfortable until Cenac branched out into my preferred territory: locations named with old-timey racist slurs. And as we all know, old-timey racist slurs are the ONLY racist slurs I’ll tolerate around here.

Hahahahaha, “Squaw Tit Mountain.” Sounds like a Navajo strip club. I bet there’s firewater and slut machines there. “Wait, don’t you mean slot machines?” Nope.

During the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen, Amy Schumer addressed Steve-O in the following joke:

I truly am — no joke — sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan Dunn. I know you must have been thinking, “It could’ve been me.” And I know we were all thinking, “Why wasn’t it?”

There are any number of variations on the “shoulda been you” joke — that same night, Jeffrey Ross told essentially the same joke about Anthony Jeselnik, with Greg Giraldo as the deceased subject. Hell, I told a “shoulda been Steve-O” joke the morning after Dunn’s death. But because people are idiots and because “Jackass” fans get butt-hurt any time someone says “Ryan Dunn” without crying, Schumer’s come under fire for mentioning Dunn’s name in a joke directed at Steve-O. Schumer, amazingly, responded to the criticism without calling anyone a moron.

“I don’t feel the need to apologize,” Schumer says. “I respect people’s opinion as long as they understand what the joke is. It wasn’t a Ryan Dunn joke. It was a Steve-O joke. It was a typical roast joke. It had the formula of any roast joke. That wasn’t even one of the jokes I had where I was thinking, ‘here it comes, I’m going to drop the hammer now.” [Laughspin]

Good for her. Something like this happens at every roast. People who never watch stand-up tune in hoping to see lots of mean jokes, then they inevitably decide that someone crossed an arbitrary line that doesn’t actually exist. It’s like they get off on being offended. And really, THOSE are the people who deserve to die in fiery car wrecks.

The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen was last night, and if you didn’t watch it, you must not share my love of jokes about hookers and spousal abuse. Jeffrey Ross, Anthony Jeselnik, and Amy Schumer turned in the best performances, while the lamest sets belonged to Jon Lovitz and Steve-O.

Here are most of my favorite jokes from the roast. It’s not a complete list because I was drinking and I got tired of pausing the TV to write stuff down. And it’s almost certainly not 50 jokes; that’s just a number that was nice and round and catchy for SEO purposes. AND NOW YOU KNOW THE UGLY TRUTH ABOUT BLOGGING.

Seth MacFarlane: “Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood, but with all the porn stars you’ve banged, I’m guessing it’s just Tiger Woods’s blood.”

MacFarlane: ”He’s the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis.”

Kate Walsh to Anthony Jeselnik: ”That embarrassing nasty parasite on your penis is Amy Schumer. And there is no cure.”

Walsh: “I’m so, so happy to see that William Shatner is here, because a medical colleague had told me that you’d passed on. I said, ‘Bullsh*t. You ever seen his resume? Shatner’s never passed on anything.’”

Walsh to Sheen: “Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver… the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.”

Jeff Ross: ”Friends, roasters, enablers… lend Mike Tyson your ears.”

Ross: “This lineup is so pathetic, I was hoping I’d get replaced by Ashton Kutcher.”

Ross: “This is hard. How do you roast a meltdown?”

Ross: ”Charlie’s nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them the Hilton sisters.”

Ross: ”Charlie Sheen is to stand-up what Larry Flynt is to standing up.”

Ross: to Sheen: ”If you’re winning this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in re-runs. Don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?”

Ross: “Anthony Jeselnik, some people are saying you’re the next Greg Giraldo. Let’s hope so.”

Ross: ”Brooke Mueller, what’s up? She’s not very bright unless Charlie’s throwing a lamp at her.”

Ross to Mike Tyson: “Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex-wives.”

MacFarlane introducing Mike Tyson: “He’s a guy who’s beaten every opponent he’s gone against — except the letter S.”

Jeselnik: ”Kate Walsh, I don’t watch that stupid show you’re on, but I do find it interesting you have your own perfume. For that special lady who wants to smell like who gives a f*ck.”

Jeselnik: ”Steve-O is trying stand-up comedy. I actually saw you perform at the Comedy Cellar, and here’s some free advice: don’t give up your suicide.”

Jeselnik: to Sheen: ”The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.”

Jeselnik to Sheen: ”Every minute of your life looks like the first two minutes of SVU.”

Steve-O: ”Some people know Kate Walsh as a television actress. Most people don’t know her at all.”

Mike Tyson: “As the Bard once said, ‘All the world’s a stage.’ And Charlie’s been booed off them all.”

Amy Schumer to Sheen: ”There’s no denying how famous you are. It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you, your daughters.”

Schumer: “William Shatner, I’ve seen less bloated men fished out of rivers… Does Priceline pay you in empanadas?”

Schumer to Sheen: “You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the ’80s, and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”

Shatner after being introduced by MacFarlane: ”Keep it going for Chaz Bono.”

Shatner to Sheen: “I know another famous guy who was nice to whores and kept 12 losers around, and he got crucified by Jews! And people worship that guy!”

Shatner to Sheen: ”Hasn’t anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free?”

Shatner, referencing an auction where he sold a kidney stone for $75,000: “I synthesized uric acid and calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for Habitat for Humanity. Who’s the warlock now, bitch?”

Charlie Sheen: “Kate Walsh , I don’t know anyone who watches your show, because I date women who still get their period.”

To promote his forthcoming roast on Comedy Central, Charlie Sheen shot an Apocalypse Now-style promo, and — surprisingly — his father Martin Sheen took a break from being disappointed in Charlie to actually make an appearance in the video (see below). But be warned: Charlie says the F-word. I know a lot of you are sensitive to dirty language, so I thought you dick-hungry whores should know in advance.

Impressive. In a video with Martin and Charlie Sheen, one of the bikini sluts had the best line. And I should note that I am completely unbiased in that opinion and not swayed at all by long blonde hair and breast implants.

The Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen was last night, and even though it won’t air until September 19th (the same night the Sheen-less “Two and a Half Men” debuts), nothing stays under wraps now that we have the Internet. Early word on the street is that the biggest bombs of the night were Mike Tyson and Kate Walsh. Tyson failed at the podium but did succeed in punching Steve-O from “Jackass,” which I look forward to seeing. And I have no idea why Walsh was there. I’m assuming she was brought in to facilitate jokes about her looking like a tranny.

Anyway, embedded below is a minute-long tease from Jeffrey Ross’s turn at the mic, and the roast favorite — dressed as Gaddafi — shares quips like “You make your own father ashamed of the fake name he shares with you” and coins the new term “skankruptcy.” For more roast joke “spoilers” — if you can call them that — go here.

[via]