Here’s something I learned today: Got Milk? ads still exist. I thought they stopped being made, oh, about a decade ago, but nope, they’re still running strong. Or still running mediocre, but lazy, in the case of this one for “Modern Family.” Thanks for reminding me, List on Dated Celebrity Endorsements.

The — let’s face it — creepy ads have been running consistently for nearly 20 years now, with such luminaries as former-Atlanta Falcons quarterback Chris Chandler, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and the Kentucky Wildcats mascot all sporting a Milk Mustache. Dozens of TV stars have also donned the suggestive creamy white soup-strainers over the past two decades. (I, for one, drink malk.) Here are some of the “best.”

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“Hey, did you hear about this? This is in the news: the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, passed away on Saturday. Yup, yup, it’s true. They say he SMALL JOKE while WEARING SUNGLASSES, and it’s rumored that AMERICAN POP CULTURE CELEBRITY will take over.”

I hate late night monologues. Just everything about them: the set-up, the formula, the body swaying to indicate an “I’m just joking” demeanor, the conversational asides in the middle of the joke, the repetition of certain words and names, and most of all, the oh-so-topical punchlines. I don’t usually watch “Letterman” or “Kimmel” or even “Conan,” simply because I can’t stand the first 10 minutes of every show (I also don’t watch the other 50 when it comes to “Leno.”) The text above, that’s pretty much the route every late-night host took to tell their Kim Jong-il’s dead joke(s) last night. But can you match the joke with said host? No cheating! Here’s the first, with the other three — as well as the answers— after the jump.

Well, in North Korea, they announced the passing of their supreme leader Kim Jong-il, and his younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could be passed down to Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong-il and Khloe Jong-il…And Michele Bachmann, foreign affairs not her strong suit, when she was told of the Supreme Leader’s death, she said, “I didn’t even know Diana Ross was sick.” And Rick Perry, y’know, Rick Perry, Rick Perry didn’t fare much better. When he was told about Kim Jong-il, he said, “I never heard of him. Then again, I don’t listen to that rap music.”

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I say this, and I don’t say it lightly: Jay Leno is Satan, or at least made in Satan’s image. Leno is not for people who want to turn their brains off after a long day of work; Leno is for people biologically incapable of turning their brain on. Show me a Leno fan, and I’ll show you incontrovertible proof that there’s no such thing as evolution. He is a soft-brained meatsack, late-night comedic sludge. He is to comedy what DRANO is to an esophagus. And after 17 years, David Letterman has finally beaten him during a sweeps month.

In the November sweep, CBS’ “Late Show with David Letterman” beat NBC’s “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” among adults 18 to 49 for the first time since 1994, according to Nielsen. Letterman scored a 0.9 rating over Leno’s 0.8. (Source: LA Times)

Look: I grew up on Letterman. Letterman was a childhood hero of mine, but I admit I don’t pay much attention to his show anymore, not since the affair with his underlings knocked him off the pedestal upon which I held him. But he’s still ten times the talk-show host that Leno is, and as Leno’s ratings continue to fall, NBC will finally rue the day they screwed over Conan O’Brien. This is a small victory but it’s a victory for humanity, for comedy, and for common decency. The fact that “The Daily Show” (0.7) lags behind both shows, however, is criminal, and more evidence that Nielsen boxes were designed by Satan’s minions.

I gotta bounce early to go to tonight’s taping of “Conan” with guest Louis C.K. Hooray for me, tough titty for you. Danger Guerrero will be along with some posts to close the day out, then he’s running things tomorrow, too. You guys know the rules: non-stop parties and drinking all the time until I get back. Have fun.

The Masturbating Bear has a long and storied late-night history. Perhaps the best symbol of the unique zaniness of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” the Masturbating Bear got shelved for being too edgy for an 11:30 p.m. audience when Conan moved to L.A. to take over “The Tonight Show.” The bear would later make subtle cameos during Conan’s brief tenure in Leno’s spot, but when Conan negotiated his bitter departure from the network, NBC claimed intellectual property rights to the bear, leading Conan to fill the void with characters like Self-Pleasuring Panda.

Last fall, in an interview with Rolling Stone, O’Brien claimed that he’d find a way to bring the bear on his show. “What I really wanna do,” he said at the time, “is be sued over the bear and then appear in court with the Masturbating Bear. ‘Your Honor, this bear can’t help himself!’”

Sure enough, last night the Masturbating Bear returned for Conan’s second of four shows filmed in New York City (video below). Conan presented him as the reformed NON-Masturbating Bear: a hard-working insurance salesman who commutes to Manhattan from the suburbs where he lives with his wife and children. But you can probably figure out how it ends: you can’t keep the Masturbating Bear from masturbating. I mean, it’s right there in his name.

So now I guess we wait to see if NBC is willing to sue over ursine onanism. I’d follow that sh*t like the O.J. trial.

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