Here’s something I learned today: Got Milk? ads still exist. I thought they stopped being made, oh, about a decade ago, but nope, they’re still running strong. Or still running mediocre, but lazy, in the case of this one for “Modern Family.” Thanks for reminding me, List on Dated Celebrity Endorsements.

The — let’s face it — creepy ads have been running consistently for nearly 20 years now, with such luminaries as former-Atlanta Falcons quarterback Chris Chandler, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, and the Kentucky Wildcats mascot all sporting a Milk Mustache. Dozens of TV stars have also donned the suggestive creamy white soup-strainers over the past two decades. (I, for one, drink malk.) Here are some of the “best.”

He was never on TV, but I don’t care — this actually makes me not want to drink milk.

See the last entry, but with BILLY ZANE.

I’m sure Dennis Franz was a nice guy, but I always imagine him saying things like, “OK, motherfu*kers, you’ve got one chance at this piece of sh*t milk thing, then Sipowicz is getting the fu*k out of here.”

This is actually pretty cool.

If the person who came up with that copy felt proud, no. Just, no.

The subtext of this ad: drink milk or vampires will KILL YOU.

WE HAVE TO GO BACK…I left my milk on the Island.

What happened, JLH?

I actually had this taped to my bedroom when I was in high school. Where were you when I was trying to get laid then, milk? Thanks for nothing.

This feels…illegal. Yeah, that’s the word I’m looking for.

Danger would like to bring your attention to this Awl article, ranking “The O.C.” characters from #22-1. He’s not very happy about it.

“Hey, did you hear about this? This is in the news: the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, passed away on Saturday. Yup, yup, it’s true. They say he SMALL JOKE while WEARING SUNGLASSES, and it’s rumored that AMERICAN POP CULTURE CELEBRITY will take over.”

I hate late night monologues. Just everything about them: the set-up, the formula, the body swaying to indicate an “I’m just joking” demeanor, the conversational asides in the middle of the joke, the repetition of certain words and names, and most of all, the oh-so-topical punchlines. I don’t usually watch “Letterman” or “Kimmel” or even “Conan,” simply because I can’t stand the first 10 minutes of every show (I also don’t watch the other 50 when it comes to “Leno.”) The text above, that’s pretty much the route every late-night host took to tell their Kim Jong-il’s dead joke(s) last night. But can you match the joke with said host? No cheating! Here’s the first, with the other three — as well as the answers— after the jump.

Well, in North Korea, they announced the passing of their supreme leader Kim Jong-il, and his younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could be passed down to Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong-il and Khloe Jong-il…And Michele Bachmann, foreign affairs not her strong suit, when she was told of the Supreme Leader’s death, she said, “I didn’t even know Diana Ross was sick.” And Rick Perry, y’know, Rick Perry, Rick Perry didn’t fare much better. When he was told about Kim Jong-il, he said, “I never heard of him. Then again, I don’t listen to that rap music.”

Hey guys, huge international news, you guys. Kim Jong-il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hated us, that guy. He passed away over the weekend, and get this: his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong-un, is taking over. It won’t be easy, because he’s got some big sunglasses to fill. It’s going to be tough.

Hey, here’s something: you know that Kim Jong-il, you know who I’m talking about? The evil dictator of North Korea? Guess what: dropped dead. Yup, yeah. Thank you, Seal Team Six. Now everyone’s worried who’s going to take over for Kim Jong-il. They think it’s going to be his son, Kim W.-il. He’s also survived by his daughter, Kim Jong-dashian. And just about now, Osama bin Laden is probably showing Kim Jong-il around Hell. So now the only tiny tyrant left is Mayor Bloomberg.

Gotta talk about this shocking news. Big, big story. Kim Jong-il died yesterday. You all heard about that, right? They have not named his successor yet, but the rumor is that it’s going to be Ryan Seacrest. That guy gets EVERYTHING, and he says he can fit it into his schedule. This is the latest: yesterday North Korea leader Kim Jong-il died of a heart attack. That was the cause. No one knows what triggered it, but he apparently had a lot of money riding on the Denver Broncos. Crazy, strange facts are coming out about Kim Jong-il today: it’s being reported, this is true, that schoolchildren in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong-il did not urinate or defecate. That’s true, yeah, so today, most schoolchildren just assumed that their Fearless Leader exploded.

Answers below this picture of Jay Leno giving Krusty a bath:

1. Leno; 2. Fallon; 3. Letterman; 4. Conan

I say this, and I don’t say it lightly: Jay Leno is Satan, or at least made in Satan’s image. Leno is not for people who want to turn their brains off after a long day of work; Leno is for people biologically incapable of turning their brain on. Show me a Leno fan, and I’ll show you incontrovertible proof that there’s no such thing as evolution. He is a soft-brained meatsack, late-night comedic sludge. He is to comedy what DRANO is to an esophagus. And after 17 years, David Letterman has finally beaten him during a sweeps month.

In the November sweep, CBS’ “Late Show with David Letterman” beat NBC’s “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” among adults 18 to 49 for the first time since 1994, according to Nielsen. Letterman scored a 0.9 rating over Leno’s 0.8. (Source: LA Times)

Look: I grew up on Letterman. Letterman was a childhood hero of mine, but I admit I don’t pay much attention to his show anymore, not since the affair with his underlings knocked him off the pedestal upon which I held him. But he’s still ten times the talk-show host that Leno is, and as Leno’s ratings continue to fall, NBC will finally rue the day they screwed over Conan O’Brien. This is a small victory but it’s a victory for humanity, for comedy, and for common decency. The fact that “The Daily Show” (0.7) lags behind both shows, however, is criminal, and more evidence that Nielsen boxes were designed by Satan’s minions.

I gotta bounce early to go to tonight’s taping of “Conan” with guest Louis C.K. Hooray for me, tough titty for you. Danger Guerrero will be along with some posts to close the day out, then he’s running things tomorrow, too. You guys know the rules: non-stop parties and drinking all the time until I get back. Have fun.

The Masturbating Bear has a long and storied late-night history. Perhaps the best symbol of the unique zaniness of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” the Masturbating Bear got shelved for being too edgy for an 11:30 p.m. audience when Conan moved to L.A. to take over “The Tonight Show.” The bear would later make subtle cameos during Conan’s brief tenure in Leno’s spot, but when Conan negotiated his bitter departure from the network, NBC claimed intellectual property rights to the bear, leading Conan to fill the void with characters like Self-Pleasuring Panda.

Last fall, in an interview with Rolling Stone, O’Brien claimed that he’d find a way to bring the bear on his show. “What I really wanna do,” he said at the time, “is be sued over the bear and then appear in court with the Masturbating Bear. ‘Your Honor, this bear can’t help himself!’”

Sure enough, last night the Masturbating Bear returned for Conan’s second of four shows filmed in New York City (video below). Conan presented him as the reformed NON-Masturbating Bear: a hard-working insurance salesman who commutes to Manhattan from the suburbs where he lives with his wife and children. But you can probably figure out how it ends: you can’t keep the Masturbating Bear from masturbating. I mean, it’s right there in his name.

So now I guess we wait to see if NBC is willing to sue over ursine onanism. I’d follow that sh*t like the O.J. trial.

Conan O’Brien’s old “Late Night” show on NBC was always at its best when he did remote segments, something that doesn’t work in L.A. because that city doesn’t have pedestrians for Conan to interact with. But with last night’s show in New York, he aired two different remotes I enjoyed (see below).

The first is a short segment in which Conan returns to Rockefeller Center in disguise as a “hipster pedophile Chargers fan” who he stands in the audience while “The Today Show” films. The second, longer segment has Conan filling in as a delivery guy for a Chinese restaurant, and it has some really great moments. Watch and mourn the loss of “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” all over again. (R.I.P. 1993-2009)

To celebrate one year of shows with TBS, Conan O’Brien is returning to the city where he made his name in late night TV. O’Brien will tape this week’s shows in Manhattan’s Beacon Theater, and I’ll probably tune in because his energy and humor are better when he’s in New York. And part of it’s nostalgia, too — I prefer to think of Conan as the wacky New York-based “Late Night” host, not the guy who moved up to L.A. only to get his dreams shattered and land at TBS.

Anyway, if you’re a sucker for Conan the way that I am, you’ll likely enjoy the video below, a montage of his first year at TBS. It’s edited really well, and at four minutes long it’s way easier to sit through than a full year of “Conan.”

Yesterday I posted the baffling Hermain Cain ad that featured chief of staff Mark Block taking a drag from a cigarette and Cain breaking into a slow, creepy smile. It was obviously ripe for parody, and late-night hosts went after it with gusto. Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, and Stephen Colbert all created similar spoofs of the commercial. (I’m sure Jay Leno will tackle it some time early next year.)

Not only have I embedded the videos below, but I’ve also ranked them because I enjoy stirring up pointless discussion. For further reading on this matter, please see my defining work in the genre, EMILY > ZOOEY.

THIRD PLACE: Letterman

SECOND PLACE: Conan

FIRST PLACE: Colbert

The slow smile competition at the end seals it. If you don’t want to watch the entire video, at least watch the final minute so you can see Colbert’s smile more slowly than Cain.

Conan O’Brien made a surprise appearance on “Late Night,” the show he hosted for 16 years, to retrieve Triumph the Insult Comic Dog and engage in some witty banter with ?uestlove (see below). I happened on Wednesday night’s show, but I’m only getting to it now because the Uproxx homepage shamed me with its coverage yesterday.

Anyway, I don’t have the time to watch late-night shows these days — I’m forever catching up on DVR’d shows when they air — so it’s good to see Conan in New York where he belongs. You hear that, L.A.? He’s OURS! Give him back!

In order to promote “The X Factor,” Nicole Scherzinger put her huge fake tits on display and then called out Conan O’Brien for looking at them instead of her dead eyes (video below). You go, girl! Men are such pigs!