Cougar Town (ABC) – On tonight’s show, Julie finds out that Holly hooked up with Travis. Wait, what does hook up mean now? Because I mean they kissed a bunch, but I can never keep up with this stuff. For all I know, “hooked up” now refers to some deviant group sex act that kids do at parties and later text pictures of to their teachers and other Internet creeps. My point here is that teenagers should be kept in cages.

Glee/New Girl (FOX) – Justin Long guest stars on “New Girl.” I bet he and Zooey Deschanel told each other lots of stories about shilling for Apple products. “I was a Mac and made John Hodgman look like a boob,” “I asked my phone if it was raining while I was looking out the window at what was clearly rain falling from the sky,” and so on and so forth.

The L.A. Complex (CW) – Ever since I found out this show got the worst ratings ever, I have been fascinated by it. I vote we all watch it and see if we can cause a noticeable jump in the numbers.

Unforgettable (CBS) – From TV Guide: “Carrie’s nemesis, Walter Morgan, frames her for his own murder.” Sheesh. Walter is pretty serious about this nemesis business.

Jeff Dunham: Birth of a Dummy (BIO) – I sh-t you not, this is the name of the show. I know they’re trying to be cute, but I have chosen to take this at face value and find it hilarious.

Secrets of Bin Laden’s Lair (Discovery) – You know you’re a bad dude when they call your house a “lair.” Good guys don’t have lairs.

NBA Playoffs (TNT) – Bros. BROS. Have you seen all the promo spots TNT is running for “Franklin & Bash” during the playoffs? It’s totes coming back soon and this season looks mega-epic. UP TOP! [holds hand up for high five that never comes] Oo, sick burn, bro.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: The latest DWTS reject is on Kimmel; Seth Meyers and Krysten Ritter are on Letterman; Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Lennon Parham are on Ferguson; Cameron Diaz and William Shatner are on Leno; Mark Ruffalo and Mario Batali are on Fallon; and Sofia Vergara and Paul F. Tompkins are on a rerun of Conan

Photo Credit: ABC

Cougar Town/Dancing With the Stars (ABC) – ATTENTION MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN WHO PROBABLY DON’T READ THIS BLOG: Watch “Cougar Town” before “Dancing With the Stars” tonight. It is about people who sit around drinking wine and gossiping. You love that! (This entry brought to you by Stereotypes.)

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (NBC) – Fallon gets bumped up to the listings proper because he has the President on his show tonight. Don’t like it, other late night shows? Maybe you shouldn’t have thought about that when you were busy not booking the President. Hurts, doesn’t it?

Glee/New Girl (FOX) – Tonight is “Glee’s” Whitney Houston episode. Good to see we’re still exploiting and profiting off her death a full two and a half months later. A+ work, Hollywood.

The L.A. Complex (CW) – Series premiere. From TV Guide: “Hollywood dreamers seek stardom in this dramatic series set at a Los Angeles apartment-style motel.” So … it’s basically “Melrose Place,” yes? OK, cool.

The Biggest Loser/The Voice/Fashion Star (NBC) – You know, NBC turned into VH1 so gradually I didn’t even notice.

Dance Moms: Miami (Lifetime) – Two things: 1) How did “Dance Moms” get a spinoff? 2) I sincerely hope one of the judges (there are judges, right?) is David Caruso in character as Horatio Caine.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Amy Poehler and Wendy Williams on Letterman; John Cusack on Kimmel; Nobody reads these so let’s just say there’s a talking octopus named Ralph on Ferguson; Jack Black on Leno; and Metta World Peace is on Conan, fresh off elbowing James Harden right in the dome.

Renewal season is right around the corner. By the end of April through the first of May, final decisions will be made on the fate of most network televisions shows. It’s a nervous, jittery time, but it really shouldn’t be. Not anymore. For all the hand-wringing we do about cancelation fears, the reality is: Good shows that have been around for at least a season are rarely canceled anymore. Networks are no longer in the driver’s seat. New shows are increasingly difficult to launch. How many new big hits were there in the 2011-2012 season? Zero. How many moderately-sized hits were there? Four: “New Girl,” “Once Upon a Time,” “Revenge” and — so far — “Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23.” With the increased competition from cable, it’s harder and harder to land a new show, so the networks tend to stick with what they know, even if it’s low-rated. This explains five seasons of “Chuck” and four seasons of “Fringe,” and the yearly renewal of “Community” and “Parks and Rec” despite anemic ratings. You know they’re doing gangbusters on the back-end with those shows on DVD and online licensing, though. They just have to be.

Ultimately, I wouldn’t worry too much about losing a favorite show, except for one:

ABC

On ABC, the only major bummer is the likely cancelation of “Cougar Town.” In an ideal world, it could be paired with “Happy Endings” and “Apt. 23″ in perhaps the best comedy block on network television. That’s still a possibility, and Tuesday nights would be ideal, though it woud leave the higher-rated “Last Man Standing” without a suitable pairing. More likely, only two of the three will be renewed, and “Apt. 23″ and “Happy Endings” have the better ratings. The one leg “Cougar Town” has up on the other two is two more seasons, which makes it closer to syndication money. The strike against it, however, is that Bill Lawrence is off working on a new show for another network.

Meanwhile, it’s not official yet, but “Modern Family,” “Suburgatory,” and “The Middle” will all be renewed as well, and “The Middle” may be better paired with “Last Man Standing” next season. If anyone is interested, “The Missing” will probably be canceled, however.

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What was once one of the best nights of the week for television with “Justified,” “Southland,” and “Parenthood” is kind of a wasteland. But at least there’s still …

Cougar Town (ABC) — Despite the midseason debut, the scheduling problems, and the paltry ratings, “Cougar Town” has never been better than it has this season. Tonight, Susan Blakely — who once played Eva Braun — is set to play Ellie’s sociopathic mom.

New Girl (FOX) — In tonight’s episode, the best new character of the season has a pregnancy scare. NOTE: Failure to pay for the abortion results in $5,000 contribution to the douchebag jar.

Raising Hope (FOX) — In the second season finale, the two-parter concludes with more revelations from “Inside Probe,” the “Inside Edition” knock-off with Nancy Grace, which reminds me a lot of the episode of “Cops” in “My Name Is Earl” that the same showrunner used.

Ummmm … ummmm ….

Storage Wars (A&E) — I’ve never actually seen this show, but I hear it doesn’t make you want to shoot yourself, which is a high compliment for a reality show. There’s a marathon of re-runs on tonight, should you get the notion to introduce yourself to the program.

Ringer (CW) — First season finale. Fun Fact: Sarah Michelle’s first major role was as Erika Kane’s long-lost daughter in “All My Children.” That is in no way an endorsement of “Ringer,” which is not a good show, but it’s a tidbit you might want to drop during your book club when y’all are breaking down 50 Shades of Gray.

LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Dave and Leno are in reruns; Kimmel has Mark Harmon; Ferguson has two Michaels: Sheen and Ian Black; and Julia Louis-Dreyfus is on “The Daily Show.”

Justified (FX) – Season finale. On one hand, I can’t wait to see how this season wraps up. One the other hand, after tonight, it will be MONTHS before we get another episode. I don’t know how to feel. Hold me. (Writers Jon Worley and VJ Boyd will be joining us again for the discussion tomorrow. I may just ask them to come over and tell me Harlan-based bedtime stories until the show returns.)

Cougar Town (ABC) – Back this week after being bumped for an encore performance of “Dancing with the Stars.” Oof. That one was below the belt, ABC.

Body of Proof (ABC) – Season finale. Dana Delaney’s character, Dr. Megan Hunt, comes face to face with a serial killer. If you, like me, are 8 years old, you have already figured out a way to make the name “Dr. Megan Hunt” hilarious.

Deadliest Catch (Discovery) – Season premiere. Technically, the “deadliest catch” is probably ebola.

New Girl (FOX) – Tonight on the show, Nick tries to bring one of the ideas in his Idea Notebook to life. HEY! I have an idea notebook, too! [pulls out Idea Notebook] [notebook is full of ideas like "What if aliens were made of candy?" and "Toilet police"] Um … this isn’t the right notebook. Nevermind.

NCIS/NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) – Tonight on “NCIS,” Tony and Ziva travel to Colombia to investigate the murder of a Marine. Characters on a CBS procedural investigating a murder by traveling to South America, eh? Sounds familiar. (See video below.)

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: David Spade and Slash on Kimmel; Masters champion Bubba Watson on Letterman; Guy Pearce and Jessica St. Clair on Ferguson; Josh Hutcherson and Rachel Maddow on Leno; Christina Applegate and Jane Goodall on Fallon; Jason Biggs on Conan.

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