Listen up, people. This is awesome. Above, please find the local commercial for the Wack It Used Car Event of 1998. As if a large used car salesman wearing a gold sport coat and literally wacking prices with open hand slaps wasn’t enough, then he makes the face pictured at right, looks into the camera, and says “just sit in the car you want, and wack it.” Dude’s laying the innuendo on as thick as a child who’s been dropped on his head a couple dozen times.  It’s so unbelievably creepy I don’t even know what to do with myself.  I… I REALLY think this guy wanted people to come masturbate in his used cars.

This is what I love about local commercials.  Most of the time, they’re not staffed with what you and I might call “professionals.”  A business proprietor rents a camera, hands it to an intern, staffs his relatives or employees as extras, and just riffs.  But since it’s the boss in front of the camera, no one’s gonna yell cut and say, “Yo, you’re being creepy as all holy hell right now.”  Which means stuff like this makes it to the air ALL THE TIME.  God bless us, every one.

After the jump, another local commercial that features some of the most seductive dancing mankind has ever seen.

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Remember last week, when Tanner the Creepy Foot Fetishist detailed what he demands in a woman’s foot on “The Bachelorette?”  God, I still get goosebumps about that.  The scene where he convinced Jillian to take her shoes off and dip her feet in the pool felt like something out of a horror movie.

Last night Tanner ratcheted up the perv factor yet again, grabbing Jillian’s open-toe-shoed foot and putting it in his lap while he admitted to having a foot fetish.  Jillian seemed legitimately creeped out, but then GAVE HIM A ROSE ANYWAY.  Apparently one of her turn-ons is being dismembered. (Note: On the show, he’s referred to as Tanner P. to differentiate himself from Tanner F., because ABC couldn’t find 30 men who wanted to compete for an average-looking girl without double-dipping in Tanners.)

And yes, I watched “The Bachelorette.”  Just one of the many sacrifices I’m willing to make for this job.  Even DVRing through the commercials, that show feels like it lasts three hours.  If, like Dunbar in Catch-22, you wish to prolong your life by making it go by as slowly as possible, I strongly recommend this show.

On Monday night’s premiere of “The Bachelorette,” thirty guys (none of whom were black — nice job, ABC racists) began vying for the affection of one average-looking woman.  And one of those gentlemen is Tanner, a Dallas-area foot fetishist — er, financial analyst — who’s happy to detail everything he looks for in a foot.  I mean woman.

Say what you will about the “Bachelor”/”Bachelorette” series being tired, but this clip is edited to terrifying perfection.  Lindsay from Videogum elaborates on the rest of the show:

Later in a pre-rose ceremony interview, host Chris Harrison asks Jillian about Tanner with a smile on his face and she says he’s great, clearly not knowing about the foot thing.  And then during the rose ceremony, she totally picks Tanner P!  He’s coming back!  One of my friends thinks he’s totally going to kill her!

Well, yeah, probably.  And that would be a terrible loss for Jillian’s friends and family.  But admit it, it would make for awesome television.  People, start the letter-writing campaign now: Tanner absolutely MUST be the next “Bachelor.”